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Original poster

To ask you to be brutally honest regarding starting again at 49......

79 replies

Startingagain49 · 23/08/2014 19:44

I have been with my partner for 9 years. for the past two years we have been living as companions, and whilst we get on well as "friends", I often feel lonely, and do lots of things with friends on my own, and barely anything with my "partner".

Recently, we have decided that this is not feasible to carry on like this, and I have been looking for somewhere else to live. This was his house I moved into, he has the lions share of equity although I am on the mortgage as a joint mortgage. I own my own house, which is currently rented out. This is in an area a long way from my work so not feasible to move into.

I have found somewhere to live (renting), and am planning to move in a month. I love where I am moving, and can see myself living there (my daughter who is 16 will also be living with me). I am really really nervous that I am doing the wrong thing, that I am too old to be starting on my own at 49 and that I am just going to get old on my own, and if I am ill or anything nobody would know. I know this sounds pathetic, but I am getting really worked up about it - I have suffered from anxiety in the past, and can feel this rising inside me.

I am so so worried I am making the worse mistake of my life, and that I should just carry on in this loveless relationship, just for security. We have made efforts to rekindle intimacy, but it just didn't happen, we have grown so far apart.

Has anyone had experience of starting again at this age? Bad or good ones, please share with me as I am getting myself in a right state worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.

OP posts:
Tikimon · 23/08/2014 19:47

Coming from a large extended family who wouldn't know how to stay married if their lives depended on it, they're all doing fine. My uncle remarried and is very happy, and he did it in his 60's.

It's doable. In fact, 49 seems better than your 20's you have more money and experience to know what you're doing. :)

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/08/2014 19:51

Me. Separated from stbx last year, I will be 49 in a couple months. I have 1 adult child and 2 small dcs (5 and 8), but it was an abusive relationship and not safe for myself or the dcs. So here we are.

I do worry about those things, especially with small children, but life is for living. You could be 24yo and walk in front of a bus tomorrow. 49 isn't that old - you've got loads of living to do!

I don't regret it for an instant. It'll be okay.

OddFodd · 23/08/2014 19:51

If you're ill, you call someone. Make friends with your neighbours, become enmeshed with your local community so that if something happens you'll be missed. It's really not worth staying in a lonely relationship to deal with the what ifs.

I'm also 49, single and very happy. I can't imagine anything worse than clinging onto a rubbish relationship because it feels less frightening than being on your own. I suspect it's an awful lot more scary really because it renders you so powerless.

amyhamster · 23/08/2014 19:51

49 is by no means old & past it !
If you wanted a new partner there's no stigma to online dating these days
Also you won't be alone because you have your daughter :)
If you want to widen your social circle I'd join book clubs, fitness classes etc
Don't worry , you'll be fine xx

RandomMess · 23/08/2014 19:54

Blimey 49 is nothing! Plenty of time to perhaps meet someone else or just love and enjoy being single Grin

Original poster
Startingagain49 · 23/08/2014 20:00

Thanks, all positive so far!

IT doesn't help that he is a genuinely nice bloke, what my parents term a "good catch", so I am getting all the "you could do a lot worse, what do you expect at your age from a relationship, better the devil you know, you need to try harder to make things work etc. etc." - it is frustrating that there is no real reason for breaking up other than we have drifted apart, and like different things as we have got older and the kids have started leaving home.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/08/2014 20:09

Isn't that enough reason? You don't have to justify your reasons to them. If you're not happy, you have a right to make changes.

Pat45 · 23/08/2014 20:17

I think drifting apart is the perfect excuse for splitting up. Just because you are 49 you do not have to settle for mediocrity. You have so many options and being bored or not actually wanting to spend time with someone is a valid reason for moving on. If you can't see a way to stay with him leave and start enjoying yourself again. This might mean being on your own but alternatively you may meet someone who you can enjoy life with. Only you know if you can stay with him. Just remember you don't have to stay. As my teens would say (like they know it all) YOLO - you only have one life!

shakethetree · 23/08/2014 20:28

Hmm.....,personally, I'd stay with him & try & make the best of it. ( if he's up for that ?? )
At 49 you'll struggle to meet another man, most single men of that age want 35 year olds, & there's plenty of them out there! - on-line dating is full of weirdos, do you want to spend your time getting to know them?

If you're happy to remain single ( or meet a man in his 60's, because honestly, that's all you'll get ) then fine. But think long & hard about this.

I'm sorry if I've been brutal, but I'd be saying this to you in you were my RL best friend.

Tinks42 · 23/08/2014 20:30

Well OP Im 51 and single, by no means do I feel, act or look "past it". I'm online dating and have lots of admirers [grins]

I'm in my prime.

Do you want to live the rest of your life just making do?

amyhamster · 23/08/2014 20:33

At 49 you'll struggle to meet another man, most single men of that age want 35 year olds, & there's plenty of them out there! - on-line dating is full of weirdos, do you want to spend your time getting to know them?

Er shakethetree - have you ever tried online dating ? That's not true at all, & why shouldn't she be happy on her own rather than just settle for someone she has no passion for
Your post is sad

CarmineRose1978 · 23/08/2014 20:36

People are bereaved in their forties and fifties all the time and go on to meet new partners and make new lives... It might be harder to choose to go it alone in some ways, but there's no reason to believe you'll be on your own forever, or even for very long. Get out there and seize a happier future! Staying in a loveless partnership is a waste of your life.

CarmineRose1978 · 23/08/2014 20:38

And shake not all men are so shallow as to want a much younger model! There are plenty who'd like a partner of their own age and experience!

Also plenty of creeps hitting on women 15 years their junior, as I found out as a 34 year old on Match...

SierpinskiNumber · 23/08/2014 20:45

I'm 49 and it's not flipping old at all! I wouldn't stay in a loveless relationship. That would be awful. If much rather be single. I think you would have to be proactive about things but I would much rather that than pottering along with an unsatisfactory relationship.

Good luck Thanks

ilovesooty · 23/08/2014 20:52

I was nearly that age when I ended my marriage. I don't have much in the way of family either.

I don't regret it. I retrained and rebuilt my career from the bottom after that as well.
Depressing post shake Thank goodness that's hardly a universal view.

monkeymamma · 23/08/2014 20:58

49 is very very young, it sounds like you are actually feeling very positive about your new life and that you and your daughter will be very happy, is it almost that you need permission to go on ahead and be happy? I can understand why when you are under so much pressure (I assume from parents/family?) to stick with what you have but it is needless - enjoy the future!

shakethetree · 23/08/2014 21:03

I'm not saying you can't 'start again' at 49, of course you can, 49 isn't old.
But it is harder to meet someone at that age, the op isn't 23 & messy around on tinder, she'll be looking for a man around her age ( I'm presuming ? ) & they are harder to find. If a man over 45 is single I'd have to ask myself why? - because his wife threw him out? so why would I want him?
Yes there are widowers in that age bracket, but not many. Most middle-aged men are single for a reason, & that's usually because they've fucked up all previous relationships.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/08/2014 21:08

wow. shake you're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you? Hmm

ilovesooty · 23/08/2014 21:09

Charming. So it's their fault automatically that their relationships failed?

eddielizzard · 23/08/2014 21:12

i think you're doing the right thing. there will be tough times, but i think you'll be happier overall and true to yourself.

DorothyGherkins · 23/08/2014 21:15

I started out on my own at 60 - my choice to walk away from an unsatisfying relationship. Moved to a new unknown area, hundred miles away, with a full time job (been working part time before). Knew no one from this area. Its been brilliant and so worthwhile - I feel I can breathe again, and I am seeing the world with new eyes. Of course 49 isnt too old - not if you really really want it.

OddFodd · 23/08/2014 21:17

shakethetree - but what's the benefit of staying in a loveless relationship at any age? Do you truly believe that's better than being single? I think that's terribly sad

GaryShitpeas · 23/08/2014 21:19

You're absolutely doing the right thing op! I'd rather be on my own at any age than in a loveless relationship.

49 is no age anyway

Don't settle for second best x Thanks

FindoGask · 23/08/2014 21:19

My mum left my dad when she was a bit older than you. She'd say it was one of the best decisions she ever made. Go for it.

FrontForward · 23/08/2014 21:21

Grin at Shake. Bollocks. I'm 48 and have plenty of options. I don't feel past it at all. Loads of men attracted to me. One before last was 5 yrs younger than me

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