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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to be brutally honest regarding starting again at 49......

79 replies

Startingagain49 · 23/08/2014 19:44

I have been with my partner for 9 years. for the past two years we have been living as companions, and whilst we get on well as "friends", I often feel lonely, and do lots of things with friends on my own, and barely anything with my "partner".

Recently, we have decided that this is not feasible to carry on like this, and I have been looking for somewhere else to live. This was his house I moved into, he has the lions share of equity although I am on the mortgage as a joint mortgage. I own my own house, which is currently rented out. This is in an area a long way from my work so not feasible to move into.

I have found somewhere to live (renting), and am planning to move in a month. I love where I am moving, and can see myself living there (my daughter who is 16 will also be living with me). I am really really nervous that I am doing the wrong thing, that I am too old to be starting on my own at 49 and that I am just going to get old on my own, and if I am ill or anything nobody would know. I know this sounds pathetic, but I am getting really worked up about it - I have suffered from anxiety in the past, and can feel this rising inside me.

I am so so worried I am making the worse mistake of my life, and that I should just carry on in this loveless relationship, just for security. We have made efforts to rekindle intimacy, but it just didn't happen, we have grown so far apart.

Has anyone had experience of starting again at this age? Bad or good ones, please share with me as I am getting myself in a right state worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 24/08/2014 07:29

I started out again at 46 and tbh I had the time of my life. There are plenty of men out there, loads of life to be lived and happiness to be had.

Op you will be fine. I can feel it in my water

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:30

I think OP has worked at it- she isn't leaving 'at the drop of a hat'. The assumption seems to be that she must have a man. Best to get used to being alone first.

Redtartanshoes · 24/08/2014 07:38

She also asked for brutal honesty.

Life isn't always fluffy and pink and cute. Yes she might be happier, no she might not.

Just saying

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:46

Of course she might not be happier, but she won't know unless she tries! What is life if not an adventure? If you see it as something to be endured in a situation that you don't like, but see as safer, it is not living! She can afford to do it- a great time to try new things, meet new people and see the positive.

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:47

Go in Twitter OP, great motivational quotes on there!

daisychain01 · 24/08/2014 07:51

carmine described my situation, I was widowed in my mid-40s very suddenly, and much to people's surprise and I suspect secretly, resentment I didn't completely "crash and burn" despite being very close to my Late DH. For his sake, I decided life has to be grasped for the moment and tried to be positive even though I thought to begin with "my life is finished".

Please see your life as being what you can make it, not defined by another person. Fine to want to have a loving relationship, but not to the extent that you rely on them to be who you want to be. Dont listen to family or friends who are your detractors, they are trying to live your life for you, their judgement are an opinion, not your reality. Also, just because they cant handle change, shoulnt stop you! Go with your dreams - better to try and trip up a few times than regret the things you never tried!

Oh and by the way I am with a lovely DP through Online dating but I agree you need to be cautious, there is a mix of good and dodgy (like real life!).

Go for it, age is only a date on the calendar!

FrontForward · 24/08/2014 07:53

Shakes daft post made me post directly refuting hers. The genuine answer is it's not as bad as you think however...

I think you need to build a life as a single person. Fill it with stuff you enjoy and new stuff. Join clubs...anything that takes your fancy.

If you want male companionship, sex etc try internet dating. I haven't done it but have friends who have done so.

Based on 5 close friends:the happiest are those who have their own busy lives, financially independent, look after their appearance but don't 'try' hard to attract a man but also have a true sense of their own self worth.

The least happiest are those who aim for blokes who they are not compatible with either financially or in appearance. One friend in particular, dresses staidly, has same haircut as she has had all her life, boring clothes and yet rules out men who are similar. Another friend has never taken financial responsibility for her own life depending on her husband and then benefits. She wants a man to rescue her.

The other three are responsible for their own careers, finances, own homes and have interesting lives and interests...into sport and have no trouble attracting men.

Be, who you wish to be with

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:56

Daisychain has it right 'life is what you can make it- not defined by another person.

daisychain01 · 24/08/2014 07:56

She also asked for brutal honesty

Which likely means telling her if we think she's deluded and unrealistic.

To which there is a majority vote saying "go for it!" Startingagain seems like she just needs reassurance that its worth taking the chance, and yes it is!

Mellowdramatically · 24/08/2014 08:07

As a 43 yo who split from 20 yr marriage, I had a night out with a 58 yo gorgeous lady the other week. She pulled I didn't (and never do :( ) but shows people do it. I've never tried OD as it sounds like a minefield. There's lots out there who want sex and not much else.

I lack confidence and have needed time to get used to being alone, though I have kids with me 90% of the time. But I have to say its great and I would struggle to share my space now with anyone else. If you have friends and your daughter to do things with you'll be fine :). Also get a cat

Mellowdramatically · 24/08/2014 08:25

Also as this sounds like an amicable split from your partner, can you not still be there for each other as friends (especially as he must have a relationship with your daughter?). You don't have to stop caring for each other?

HaroldLloyd · 24/08/2014 08:31

I mentioned online dating. I mentioning it purely because it's probably something which has grown a lot in popularity since the OP was last dating/single.

I certainly don't think you need to have a relationship to be happy, I've been single for a 10 year stretch and was perfectly happy.

Back2Two · 24/08/2014 08:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

GrapefruitAndCucumberLoveThem · 24/08/2014 08:40

Single does not mean unhappy. I would not stay with a man because u fear being single! I have recently meet somebody, to my shock, at my advanced age! we connect and that is what he wanted, the connection & compatabilty. Ok didnt meet him immediately but i have been much happier single than with x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/08/2014 09:50

Controversial because I'm advising someone to give their relationship another chance?

But the OP has said they've given it another chance and it hasn't worked. And there's a world of difference between "OP do you think maybe if you worked at counselling to get the feelings back or develop some common interests that you might be able to feel more like a couple again?" and "You'll never find a man at your age - stay with what you have, even if you're miserable."

FWIW, you don't have to be part of a couple to be happy. Some people are very happy being single.

Latara · 24/08/2014 09:52

One of my 50 yr old colleagues started a new career (nursing) in her 40s, is divorced and was single for a long time but through activities she does (mountain biking etc) has met a decent attractive man and is moving in with him.

Another colleague got married for the first time at 50.

And a couple have started new careers in nursing in their 50s.

My mum left my dad when she was 50 for similar reasons to the OP, they had just fallen out of love - she had several boyfriends and lots of fun living on her own.
Now she is 65 and single but that is her choice at present. She has a lovely flat, still works FT and has 2 daughters (me & my sis) that she is close to.

OP, you won't be completely alone as you have a daughter. Initially she may prefer not to hang out with mum as many teens / early 20s don't like to. But many daughters & mothers are close from age 25 onwards if they have had a good relationship, and go out shopping or have coffee with their mums regularly which is nice.
You can choose to try to meet a man or not, but it's better to be single than in a bad relationship I think.
Renting a flat is a good move because you aren't tied to that flat - you can move around as it suits you.
Because you own a house which you are renting out, and you have a job then that means you are better off financially than a lot of women who split from partners, and that's a very positive thing.

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 11:45

Well I'm 45 and single and don't feel at all hopeful of meeting anyone else. I'm not happy about that and its not my choice to be single. Well its my second choice. I prefer it to being in an unhappy relationship.

Its not as easy as when you're younger. I get plenty of messages in online dating but that doesn't convert to new life partner.

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 11:45

Its not as easy as when you're younger. I get plenty of messages in online dating but that doesn't convert to new life partner.

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 11:45

Its not as easy as when you're younger. I get plenty of messages in online dating but that doesn't convert to new life partner.

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 11:46

Its not as easy as when you're younger. I get plenty of messages in online dating but that doesn't convert to new life partner.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/08/2014 12:01

But as you're single - you have the opportunity to get into a good relationship at some point. So potentially another opportunity to be in a happy couple relationship.

When you're in an unhappy relationship - if you choose to stay, then that's it. No potential to find that lovely partner you can ENJOY growing old with. You're just... stuck....

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 12:33

Bastard duplicate posts! Grr.

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 12:36

Which is what I said in my initial post. I'll choose this over an unhappy relationship but I'm not happy about my present or looking forward to the future.

As different posts have shown it's probably not so much to do with age. some people go through life always being able to find the next one quickly. Others don't. I've always had big gaps between relationships and being older doesn't help.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/08/2014 12:48

lol waffly I just thought you were being emphatic.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/08/2014 12:51

I do think it's down to mindset as well. Yes, some find new relationships quickly. But some of those relationships aren't necessarily long term either. I know someone who can start up a new relationship very quickly, but I rather think it's TOO quickly IYSWIM. I would rather wait longer and get it right, especially after getting it wrong a couple times.

And I've always felt that you need to be happy on your own before you can be happy in a relationship. Confidence? Just comfortable being yourself? Not sure.

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