Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To ask you to be brutally honest regarding starting again at 49......

79 replies

Startingagain49 · 23/08/2014 19:44

I have been with my partner for 9 years. for the past two years we have been living as companions, and whilst we get on well as "friends", I often feel lonely, and do lots of things with friends on my own, and barely anything with my "partner".

Recently, we have decided that this is not feasible to carry on like this, and I have been looking for somewhere else to live. This was his house I moved into, he has the lions share of equity although I am on the mortgage as a joint mortgage. I own my own house, which is currently rented out. This is in an area a long way from my work so not feasible to move into.

I have found somewhere to live (renting), and am planning to move in a month. I love where I am moving, and can see myself living there (my daughter who is 16 will also be living with me). I am really really nervous that I am doing the wrong thing, that I am too old to be starting on my own at 49 and that I am just going to get old on my own, and if I am ill or anything nobody would know. I know this sounds pathetic, but I am getting really worked up about it - I have suffered from anxiety in the past, and can feel this rising inside me.

I am so so worried I am making the worse mistake of my life, and that I should just carry on in this loveless relationship, just for security. We have made efforts to rekindle intimacy, but it just didn't happen, we have grown so far apart.

Has anyone had experience of starting again at this age? Bad or good ones, please share with me as I am getting myself in a right state worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.

OP posts:

orangefusion · 23/08/2014 21:28

I found myself single again at 47, it was horrid at first but I am happier now than I was in my marriage. I have internet dated (lots) and met some great new friends and my life now is good, healthy and fun.

I am 52 now I can see that I am a more relaxed, happy and sexy person now than I was at 38 (no idea why I chose that age). Get on with it- you will be just fine.

hoboken · 23/08/2014 21:34

I started again on my own at 48. I am still on my own 14 years later and thoroughly enjoying my freedom. I see friends and family but also love going walking, running, to the cinema, theatre and concerts etc on my own. I have no plans to find a man. I do not want my social life, housekeeping, cooking, clothes, finances or any other part of my life to depend on anyone else.

Being in a loveless relationship is dire. Coming to enjoy being on one's own may take time, though. So many people fear being alone and their fear can cause them to go from one unsuitable relationship to another. There are many threads on MN which testify to that.

Can you try and find a house share? Take a lodger?

So, sorry you are going through such a hard time.

HaroldLloyd · 23/08/2014 21:39

If that's the way shake tells it to her friends I'd eat my hat. Ignore her she is just trying to be controversial.

I think the big change now is internet dating, whereas it could be a bit harder in your thirties or forties to meet someone just due to not meeting that many new single people it makes it easier.

I think your doing the right thing, personally.

orangefusion · 23/08/2014 21:43

I should have said that your story matches mine v closely. I met my ex when I was 38 (that was why I chose it) and we married and stayed together for about 9 years. Then he found a younger more fertile model (stories diverge here) and we parted.

I am so sorry you are having to face this, it does feel scary and you will feel down sometimes. But the down wont last forever and there are great people out there who are your age (and older) who you will meet and in a year or less you will look back to now and see that the fear was natural but unfounded. Good luck OP

shakethetree · 23/08/2014 21:44

Controversial because I'm advising someone to give their relationship another chance?

You seriously need to get out more.

HaroldLloyd · 23/08/2014 21:45

Why don't you get out more, preferably somewhere without an internet connection.

meltedmonterayjack · 23/08/2014 22:16

My biggest regret in life is wasting so much of it in a miserable, loveless relationship. I wish I'd left years ago. I left 7 years ago, when I was 46 and it's a blessed relief.

My brothers live abroad and my dd at the other end of the country. If I'm unwell I have lovely friends who will ask if I need anything and offer to pick up prescriptions, bring a bit of shopping etc.

I choose not to be in a relationship because I love my own company and space and don't feel the need to be in one. If I was though, I wouldn't worry about not being able to meet someone. I've known people in their 70's and 80's meet new people and fall in love.

Life is too short to put up with a relationship that is dead and beyond help. Go for it. It really is true that it's far more lonely in a shit relationship than it is on your own. You will be ok.

KirstyJC · 23/08/2014 22:21

My mum did it - she was well into her 50s. Now she's 66, been married for about 5 years and having a ball!

Do it - life's too short. Being single is better than being in a loveless relationship.

HaroldLloyd · 23/08/2014 22:41

My mother is 68, she has stayed with my dad all her life and they are obviously unhappy and don't enjoy each other's company, it makes me really sad.

It's wrong to think that any relationship is worth clinging to rather than being alone, I was single for a large period of time, and it gives you more time to concentrate in new friendships and building a life for yourself. I would rather be single than in a loveless relationship.

writtenguarantee · 23/08/2014 22:43

I am well under 49, but 49 doesn't sound too old to me. If you think you will likely live in your 80s, you have a good 40% of your life left. Best not be unhappy for it.

queenofthemountain · 23/08/2014 22:44

I think it's easier as you get older.You know yourself better,and know more about the world.
Mt uncle met a new 'girl'friend about 5 years ago at the age of 77 and she has moved in with him now.They have travelled the world together and do fell walking or cycling every weekend

PortofinoRevisited · 23/08/2014 22:51

I am nearly 46 and should I find myself suddenly single, I would be thinking about seeing my friends more and doing things I like doing. Another bloke would be a bonus but not a focus.

PortofinoRevisited · 23/08/2014 22:54

My nan died recently. Her and my grandad tolerated each other for years. He has a new lease of life now. It's better to be single than put Up with such unhappiness for years imho

Suzannewithaplan · 23/08/2014 22:57

It's natural to be apprehensive but you can handle it, 49 isnt old, I'm 48 and I can still pull.
(Shakethetree is a notorious wind up merchant, ignore)

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 23/08/2014 23:36

Just make sure your name comes off the mortgage when you move out, or you could end up owing loads of money one day, and the lender won't care when you moved in or out, or who put what in, they'll just chase you for it.

Spickle · 23/08/2014 23:44

I was bereaved in my forties, now in my fifties and getting married next year to a wonderful man who is ........ 49!

Original poster

Startingagain49 · 24/08/2014 00:16

Thanks for you positivity, SHAKE does have a point, but we have tried over and over as we do genuinely get along in a friends/housemate way but there is no intimacy or love, which is soul destroying / flogging a dead horse comes to mind. Also I not moving out with a view to meeting someone, but rather to live my own life without feeling I am living a lie, iyswim.

The mortgage will be sorted, there is no problem relating to finances, I don't want to rely on the company of my daughter as she has her own life to lead.

Thanks all so far, it's really helpful x

OP posts:

WaltJesseMikeGus · 24/08/2014 00:36

I can even speak from experience.

My friends mother started a brand new life in Australia and met the love of her life (she is around 48/49) and they even have a business together and plan on getting married.

I'm not saying move to Australia but more you don't know what life has in store for you, the possibilities are endless and life is too short to stay in a relationship that doesn't bring either of you any happiness.

AmIthatHot · 24/08/2014 00:50

I'm 49 and I don't feel old at all. But I do feel incredibly lonely.

And see all those trumpeting online dating as the answer to everything, Well I'm sorry, but that is total shite. Online dating just makes you feel even older, as all the men your age want much younger models and the only interest you get is from old men in their 60s.

I think you can start again as an independent woman, not needing anyone else. That's how I'm getting through life

Make the break, suit yourself and live life for you. You don't need a man

wafflyversatile · 24/08/2014 01:12

that I should just carry on in this loveless relationship, just for security.

What security? You could stay in it fearing that 49 is too old to start again only to find you split up at 52 with even less time to start again.

There are no guarantees that you will find someone else but you're evidently not happy in the situation you are in now and staying in it decreases your chances further.

CateBlanket · 24/08/2014 07:03

Waffly is right - your DP could end the relationship at any time.

Don't think of your new start as losing your security but as taking off a pair of worn out shoes and slipping into a pair of Jimmy Choos

Try to ignore shakethetree - she is the Albatross of Mumsnet!

Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had I from old and young !
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:17

shakethetrees really is a ray of sunshine, isn't she!!
Of course you are not too old. It is no age and no one should settle for second best purely because they are scared to be alone.
You are bound to worry if you are ill, everyone on their own does. I was scared stiff when I was a widow with a toddler that I might collapse and it take some time for anyone to know there was something wrong. Lots of people are alone. Even if you stayed with him he might die and leave you in that position at 60,70 etc and even less likely to cope.
Go for it!

Flossiex2 · 24/08/2014 07:19

I found myself suddenly single at 49 having been in long-term relationships all my adult life. It sounds old but doesn't feel old! You can build a new life for yourself.

It's not as easy as some are saying however and there are many times when I feel sorry for myself. I have wondered if I could have put up with my marriage and in some ways it would have been much easier (practical, financial reasons) but I am positive about the future.

Make sure you keep up with all your contacts, old friends etc, make new ones, keep busy. You know at heart your marriage is dead.

Delphiniumsblue · 24/08/2014 07:21

I wouldn't go for online dating etc- bound to be depressing. Do things you enjoy and you never know who you might meet. Once you are strong and happy with your own company you could try it if you feel the need.

Redtartanshoes · 24/08/2014 07:25

You know I can kinda see what shakethetree is saying.

If you are that unhappy then yes there is absolutely no doubt that you should leave, regardless of whether you are 49, 29 or 69.

On this thread there are a lot of people saying "oh I left and it was great" "my next door neighbour left her husband when she was 103 and it was the best thing she ever did" blah blah blah.... But really that's irrelevant to you and your family. You could leave, it might be a weight off your shoulders, or you could stay and it could be hideous, on the flip side of that, you could leave and find that sometimes the grass isn't always greener, and that there isn't an abundance of hot single amazing 50 year old blokes queuing up to wine and dine you.. I think shake was kinda right in that, although perhaps a little straight talking.

Like I said, sometimes the grass isn't always greener, and all you need to do is water your own grass and look after it a bit.... Leave if you are certain it's over, but be sure, and do everything you can to fix it first. I think we are so used to living in a "disposable world" that we forget that relationships shouldn't be just thrown away at the drop of a hat

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread