to get annoyed with my friend for failing to understand there is a difference between having a child and babysitting/working with children?

[BauerTime]

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my dear friend, who is lovely and selfless and doesn't have a bad bone in her body, but seems to think that she knows all about the complexity of raising a child and the way it changes your life and capabilities, because she has nieces and nephews who she minds now and again, and works in a school. I have no doubt that she is fully capable of looking after kids, she is in fact a complete natural with them. She works with children with SEN and other disabilities and is also great at her job.

However, what is really grating on me is that she comments on others parenting, gives unsolicited advice on how to raise a child, has a complete lack of empathy for the things that come with parenting such as lower household standards/different priorities etc. I have been trying to gently point out when she goes off on one, that its not always as simple or clear cut as she thinks it is but she just refuses to see it.

This past year she has been studying, plus had a long term house guest who is messy and inconsiderate, it all got a bit on top of her and considered getting a cleaner as she never had enough hours in the day. She got v stressed at one point. I suggested that it was good practice for when she has kids in a jokey way but she completely shot me down saying that having a child would be much easier as she would have full control, would have a routine/plan, would do xyz in a day etc. She cannot see that having a small child over night, only doing fun things, having a bag fully packed of everything you need and managing to get through it and drop them back home 24 hours later is not what its like to live it every day.

I know that you have no idea if the full on-ness of having a small child until you have one but surely you can see that its not the same as a sleepover or a day at work, leaving it all behind at 5pm??????

It's not worth falling out over so let it go. The only advice I would offer to your friend is: it's about time her house guest either starts to pull their weight or else sorts out her living arrangements and moves on. Your friend will learn the difference if/when she has children of her own. Who knows she could be terrible or she could be great, only time will tell

What gets me most about being a parent is the lack of freedom. I can't just stay at work for 5 minutes longer to finish that important document or just head out for a few drunks after work on a whim. I HAVE to be on a specific train otherwise I will not pick my kids up on time.

DH and I can't fit in all the activities we would like to do in the evenings as one or other of us has to be at home so I find it quite limiting that way. And no you can't just take your kids along to a dangerous workshop with nasty chemicals and dangerous tools apart from the fact that they should be in bed anyway.

If I was selfish I would spend Saturday afternoon playing tennis, but I won't as I feel it's far more important to spend that time with my kids as I work all week. Yes I could just dump them in the clubhouse for a few hours but that really wouldn't be fair on them.

Sounds to me, OP, like she is just sounding off. She wants you to sympathise with her regarding her inconsiderate house guest and not minimize this in any way, she feels this is absolutely the worst thing and no it isn't at all like having children.

Regarding commenting on other's parenting she comes across to me as just wanting to highlight her superior knowledge, from working with children. Thing is it is different when you come in from the outside, you care for the children for a small period of time in a relatively small period of their lives. A parent is a parent for life. They are forced to think of these children's long term futures, added to this they love them unconditionally. It is not the same as working with children and I say this as someone who is a parent and who has worked with children.

Everybody is like this from time to time IMO, wanting to feel sympathised with and wanting people to recognise their 'expertise', it is more difficult (and frightening) to be humble and admit how much you don't know or can't control. I think I really grew up when I became a parent due to the sheer vastness of responsibility felt over another's life.

^Essentially I think she is attempting to apportion blame for the ills of this world. If she can avoid the pitfalls she can maybe convince herself she can avoid the misfortune. Added to this if she can convince herself others are to blame and she is innocent, it could offer her comfort, in the sense it allows her to feel she can clear herself of responsibility over the things that do go wrong.