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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to get annoyed with my friend for failing to understand there is a difference between having a child and babysitting/working with children?

104 replies

BauerTime · 22/08/2014 12:09

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my dear friend, who is lovely and selfless and doesn't have a bad bone in her body, but seems to think that she knows all about the complexity of raising a child and the way it changes your life and capabilities, because she has nieces and nephews who she minds now and again, and works in a school. I have no doubt that she is fully capable of looking after kids, she is in fact a complete natural with them. She works with children with SEN and other disabilities and is also great at her job.

However, what is really grating on me is that she comments on others parenting, gives unsolicited advice on how to raise a child, has a complete lack of empathy for the things that come with parenting such as lower household standards/different priorities etc. I have been trying to gently point out when she goes off on one, that its not always as simple or clear cut as she thinks it is but she just refuses to see it.

This past year she has been studying, plus had a long term house guest who is messy and inconsiderate, it all got a bit on top of her and considered getting a cleaner as she never had enough hours in the day. She got v stressed at one point. I suggested that it was good practice for when she has kids in a jokey way but she completely shot me down saying that having a child would be much easier as she would have full control, would have a routine/plan, would do xyz in a day etc. She cannot see that having a small child over night, only doing fun things, having a bag fully packed of everything you need and managing to get through it and drop them back home 24 hours later is not what its like to live it every day.

I know that you have no idea if the full on-ness of having a small child until you have one but surely you can see that its not the same as a sleepover or a day at work, leaving it all behind at 5pm??????

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 22/08/2014 15:06

You're right Melissa - I have totally failed at having a child who "slotted in" with my routine. But then as my routine prior to children was "go to work, run company, travel, go to theatre, eat out and drink loads" I suppose its not that surprising.

I'm such a failure

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:08

Me too Kew, me too

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 15:11

Both mine have been to uni lectures, work courses, open days at work that I have run, every work meeting I have had for last 7 years etc. They have never known any different dc1 started attending uni lectures at 2 weeks old. I needed them both to slot in due to the nature of my work and the amount of hours I do.

HavanaSlife · 22/08/2014 15:12

And me

Kewcumber · 22/08/2014 15:14

Am I really the only one who struggled with a toddler who didn't sleep a 4 day week senior job when I also seemed to be walking out of meetings saying "I'm sorry I have to pick my child up"; worrying on the tube on the way home if it ran late that I would be late picking him up; having to be ready (him and me) and out of the house before 8am to get him to CM and me to work; if he was up in the night I didn't get much sleep and unless he was actually ill I still had to be up and ready to leave by 8am and put in a full day.

He dropped a nap young, was very active and really couldn't be left alone at all at that point, was awake every day by about 5am and I was a single parent so dealt with that 24/7 for three days with the other 4 days having to work/travel for 8-10 hours in addition.

Think that easier than teaching children?

I've always thought I was a slightly inadequate mother and that just about confirms it!

He's nearly 9 now and is a breeze btw and I trained him young to make me tea...

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:15

But of course your work and study IS childcare Melissa so you are atypical.

HavanaSlife · 22/08/2014 15:16

You are lucky then, I would not have been allowed to take mine to lectures, work meetings etc

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 15:17

Still had to do work interviews and after work meetings with all staff andonly my children so they have to sit out of way and be quiet as you have to be professional if doing interviews.

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:17

I did what you did Kew (sorry I'm going to sound stalkerish, I just recognise you Smile) - I went self-employed. It is the path to sanity AFAIAC Grin

Kewcumber · 22/08/2014 15:18

Not sure my board of Directors would have been happy with a very active rather vocal toddler at our all day twice monthly (yes I know madness) board meetings.

Negotiating contracts isn't always best done with a toddler in tow either but good for you. It isn't always an option, you do understand that, right? Teacher, nurse, finance director, lawyer, paramedic, tesco checkout person...

Now that I work for myself its much more flexible... and MUCH less well paid.

BauerTime · 22/08/2014 15:19

I'm not trying to say my life is harder than hers, just that she should maybe not criticise others over something she has no experience of. I dont do the whole 'oh you have no idea what tired/stressed/busy id until you have kids and if that's how my posts come across then maybe I'm not expressing myself right. Its just the point blank refusal to see how difficult it is for someone else and assuming that she knows best.

I can sympathise with the house guest situation as ive lived in a similar situation before and ive house shared and i know that I'm done ways it will be much worse than dealing with your own child. The remark about good practice for kids was a throw away remark, i dont go on about it at all. As i said before i think she is under the impression that i am one of the 'baby just slotted in' brigade, its more the comments about others that grate.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 22/08/2014 15:20

Arf at the idea of my 18 month old DS sitting quietly somewhere for 4 hours whilst I worked.

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:21

Still had to do work interviews and after work meetings with all staff andonly my children so they have to sit out of way and be quiet as you have to be professional if doing interviews.

But you do realise in a corporate career (many careers in fact) or at certain unis, certain courses, certain lecturers it would not have been possible or tolerated AT ALL?

So it is helpful to acknowledge your sector rather than just blithely saying what you did say?

I'm sure you didn't mean to sound smug and self-satisfied. I was just helpfully pointing out that context is all Smile

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2014 15:21

melissa83, do you think your kids would have slotted in as well if you were working for say...Asda?

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 15:21

Its not always an option to take them to work but still dont personally ever feel the whole cant get dressed, cant get here for x time in morning, or the feeling of being overwhelmed.

My mum still feels like this looking after my 2 even though shes brought up 2. I dont get what the big deal is to be honest. I have fleeting stressful moments but more often than not its other things going on and not my own children.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2014 15:22

I now have a mental image of staff stacking shelves, with their babies in slings Grin

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:23

...and MUCH less well paid

yes there is that Sad

BackforGood · 22/08/2014 15:23

Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2014 15:24

Ahh you have a Mum that helps out

That makes a massive difference to your babies fitting into your life to be fair.

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 15:25

No my mum doesnt help as she cant cope with 2 children. I take them to chambermaiding job last summer but usually one at a time but again I know the owners and no everyone cant do it. They have had to spend a lot of time learning to amuse themselves as Im busy

ArsenicyOldFace · 22/08/2014 15:26
Grin
Floisme · 22/08/2014 15:29

Yes it's annoying. However I've experienced this from both sides and I promise you, it's not nearly as annoying as when you don't have children and there are people telling you all the time that you've 'no idea' about anything because you're not a parent. If she's otherwise a good friend then I would cut her some slack.

HavanaSlife · 22/08/2014 15:36

Bupa would not have taken kindly to me taking the dc with me while I worked. Funilly enough the school of nursing were the same.

I was very lucky to have help from my mum who picked them up from childcare, booked time off work in school hols, had them when I was on night shifts etc but taking them to work was not an option.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2014 15:41

So really melissa it's more accurate to say that your work fitted in with your children, rather than the other way around.

Most people I know are not allowed to take their kids to work.

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 15:41

Its different if you have family help but you have to cut corners more if you dont. My mums the flappy type so struggles with children more whereas dh and I are more this is what we are doing your just doing it with us and we will adapt it/go with flow whilst we are wherever we are.

My mum is more of the ooh you cant travel, go here, do this etc with children type.