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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset my friend thinks she can tell me about my husband...

87 replies

Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:20

I have known my friend a long time. We both have high earning husband and live in lovely comfortable houses, though in different countries.

My husband IS careful with his cash and doesn't like to 'waste' it, but we have everything they need and more, we go on great holidays and live a pretty comfortable life. He can sometimes try to be controlling financially but I have learned to live with that.

My friend is very much in charge of her family's finances - she tells her husband what they are going to spend their money on!

But what gets me is that she feels she can moan about my husband. I wouldn't dream of commenting on how anyone else spends their money, or how their relationship works. It's really upset me and makes me feel I should steer clear of her, at least a while... AIBU?

OP posts:
Happy36 · 21/08/2014 21:21

It sounds like she is a good friend. Tell her calmly and politely, but firmly, how you feel.

Fairylea · 21/08/2014 21:21

Well when you say your dh can be controlling financially what do you mean? Does she have a point?

Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:23

She may have but when she says things like 'but why doesn't he just get a swimming pool if he can afford it?' I get a bit riled!

OP posts:
magoria · 21/08/2014 21:23

What do you mean you have learned to live with him being sometimes controlling financially?

Pastperfect · 21/08/2014 21:26

Without examples of your DHs controlling behavior it is impossible to say whether she is being a bitch or the best friend you've ever had

DogCalledRudis · 21/08/2014 21:26

Of course commenting on someone else's partner is never a good idea. Even if that partner is really no good.

partialderivative · 21/08/2014 21:26

So, income is important to your friendship?

Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:28

Had a feeling this is that way it would go... He likes to make the decisions on what money is spent on in our house. He doesn't trust me with money. He knows he's wrong to feel like this, I have never been in debt in my life and am pretty careful myself! He doesn't have control btw, I'm not a doormat by any means. My issue is whether it's OK to make comments about friends relationships. She seems obsessed with his 'miserliness'.

OP posts:
Wetthemogwai · 21/08/2014 21:29

Peoples relationships work differently and people have different attitudes towards money. You need to make her understand that, it would bug me too

Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:30

Income is important to my friend. She's not being a bitch, she is concerned that he isn't a bit free-er about things like heating bills when he can afford them.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/08/2014 21:31

Maybe what you think is being in charge of the finances is actually being abusive and controlling but you can't see it. If she feels like that she is right to bring it up but it's understandable that you would find it threatening and upsetting.

Fairylea · 21/08/2014 21:34

So do you have equal spending money? Equal access to family money? If the answer is no to either of those it's possible you're experiencing financial abuse.

Your friend may just be concerned.

ilovepowerhoop · 21/08/2014 21:37

concerned that he isn't a bit free-er about things like heating bills when he can afford them. - what do you mean by this? Does he not let you have the heating on when you want it?

minipie · 21/08/2014 21:37

Honestly if I thought my friend's husband was behaving in an unreasonable and controlling manner (and it sounds like yours may be), I would say so.

But if my friend said "I know he's like that but I'm ok with it and I don't like it when you criticise him" then I'd lay off.

Just tell her how you feel.

thejoysofboys · 21/08/2014 21:38

IMO there's always one person in the household who takes the lead when it comes to money - especially if it's all shared/in joint accounts. In our house it's me who controls the smaller day-to-day stuff (e.g. bills, clothes shopping, Xmas presents etc) and DH who tends to lead on bigger decisions (house moves, new cars and so on). BUT we're both respectful of each other's views and have similar outlooks on money matters.

I think as long as the OP is OK with how money is managed in her house then leave her be! But I don't think it's anyone else's position to judge, especially not a friend.

It would be different if the OP had gone to her friend asking advice on something financial. But assuming she hasn't then the friend's opinion is purely critical and doesn't serve any helpful purpose.

LadyLuck10 · 21/08/2014 21:39

I think your friend has a point from what you're saying.

Cabrinha · 21/08/2014 21:40

There's a difference between not spending on a pool and not keeping the house warm enough for you. What do you mean about heating bills?

She could be a bitch. Or she could be hoping her comments will also make you question his control. Or she could just be making meaningless comments that hit a raw nerve with you for your own reasons.

Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:40

That sounds very psychological Goldmandra... you think I am living in denial of being abused?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 21/08/2014 21:41

"she is concerned that he isn't a bit free-er about things like heating bills when he can afford them."

Is your husband tight with money then? Do you shiver in a cold house when you could put the heating on?

Some of the "money saving" things your husband does makes me wonder that your friend has your interests at heart. I wouldn't be as forthright as your friend about your husband, but he does come across as being financially controlling. And the fact that he doesn't trust you with money is a red flag for me.

Goldmandra · 21/08/2014 21:43

That sounds very psychological Goldmandra... you think I am living in denial of being abused?

I don't think you are but I wonder if you might be. If you are that could be a good reason for her to raise it with you.

lacksdirection · 21/08/2014 21:43

OP, No matter where you go in life, you will come across people who feel it is their right to express their opinion on your relationship, and furthermore, will not understand how you could possibly be truly happy unless you are doing it their way.
If you are genuinely happy with your life, and only you know the answer to that, then there is only a few options as I see it.

  1. Do not discuss the finer details of your life with others until you have worked out if they are the type of people who behave this way or are the type to let you live in a way that makes you happy.
  2. Distance yourself from anyone who pushes their point of view on you or makes you feel you should defend your choices.
  3. Practice saying 'Thank you for your concern but I am happy to live my life this way.
  4. Do not get into a dialogue where you are defending yourself. You do not need to defend yourself.
  5. Understand that if you are truly happy, then how you live is not anyone else's business unless they are directly affected or anyone is suffering for you to live this way.
Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:46

So what do I do about the financial control thing? He is one to turn the heating down to save money etc. but that's just normal isn't it!? We have equal access to the family account, I don't go without. I wish I could make him relax a bit more about money/trust issues - especially as I am far from high maintenance, but not sure how to change his views. Beyond talking to him, and we've had that discussion endlessly...

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 21/08/2014 21:46

Maybe it's upset you because you know there is some truth in what she says? Maybe she should keep it to herself but then maybe she cares about you and thinks you aren't being treated fairly.

strawberryangel · 21/08/2014 21:48

Do you earn your own money?

lacksdirection · 21/08/2014 21:48

Your last post suggests that there are aspects to your life that you are not happy with, so this would probably explain why your friend has concerns about your relationship, especially if you have said the same things to her as you have said here.