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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset my friend thinks she can tell me about my husband...

87 replies

Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:20

I have known my friend a long time. We both have high earning husband and live in lovely comfortable houses, though in different countries.

My husband IS careful with his cash and doesn't like to 'waste' it, but we have everything they need and more, we go on great holidays and live a pretty comfortable life. He can sometimes try to be controlling financially but I have learned to live with that.

My friend is very much in charge of her family's finances - she tells her husband what they are going to spend their money on!

But what gets me is that she feels she can moan about my husband. I wouldn't dream of commenting on how anyone else spends their money, or how their relationship works. It's really upset me and makes me feel I should steer clear of her, at least a while... AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:50

Hmmm, there is definitely more than a little truth in what she says, maybe that is why I'm upset. But I was really happy with my lot, having a great summer holiday with the kids but since I saw her I'm really not! And yes, I do earn my own money, though not a great deal!

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 21/08/2014 21:50

"He is one to turn the heating down to save money etc. but that's just normal isn't it!?"

No, it isn't. I wouldn't turn the heating down in the house to save money if it meant that everyone else felt cold, especially if I could afford it. That is being mean and selfish.

wildfig · 21/08/2014 21:51

Heating is quite a visible thing to be controlling about. If money isn't an issue, yet your guests are having to keep their coats on because no one's allowed to touch the thermostat, it's a bit like saying, 'my need to save 35p on the heating bill is more important than the comfort of my guests'. Maybe your friend sees that, and wonders what other less public 'economies' are being visited on the family, which you might feel unable to tell her about?

Or maybe she has a sticky beak. Only Smarties have the answer.

Original poster
Bigsooze · 21/08/2014 21:52

Thank you wildfig. I'm gonna leave it with Smarties, and go have a nice relaxing bath...

OP posts:
wildfig · 21/08/2014 21:53

Sorry, I don't know where that came from. Damn you, 80s advertising agencies...

LittleBearPad · 21/08/2014 21:55

What do you mean he turns the heating down to save money?

Is the house too hot so it's overheated or is it actually too cold.

Perhaps she's right to be concerned.

pineapplecrush · 21/08/2014 22:02

I have a very good friend and her husband controls finances and holidays, household items, her clothes/hairstyle etc. I went around to her house once and her and children were wearing coats indoors until they were "allowed" to turn the heating on at 6pm. I rarely say anything because I don't want her to think I'm judging and if I do, she gets defensive albeit in a pleasant way. I never know whether I should say more or not because it wouldn't change anything I'm sure and she's happy with her lot.

pointythings · 21/08/2014 22:03

Turning down the heating when someone in the family is cold to save money when you can readily afford to be warm is a problem, OP. You probably realise this. Ask yourself honestly - what other things is he unreasonably tight about? Because this example alone makes me think your friend really has a point.

WaltJesseMikeGus · 21/08/2014 22:20

I should steer clear of her, at least a while... AIBU?

Well you apparently live in different countries so I'm sure the possibility of bumping into each other is slightly limited by that.

But you probably have a privet jet so

Cuddlydragon · 21/08/2014 22:28

As others have said up thread, she may be trying to be a very good friend indeed. If you don't have full access to all the information on your family finances and an equal say in what gets spent, then maybe she has a point. You use the swimming pool comment to infer she is frivolous or status oriented but your later post talks about heating bills. If my friend was cold or she and her family lived in a cold home, simply because her husband would not spend money they could afford, I'm pretty sure I'd say something. Are you really sure she isn't worried and trying to "help" you see financial abuse ?

plinth · 21/08/2014 22:32

If you're happy about how the finances work in your home the she should butt out.

The heating thing is a bit odd - there's nothing wrong in being parsimonious (and Eco friendly!) but if you don't get a say in when the heating goes on and you want a say then, that's a bit unreasonable.

LaQueenLovesSummer · 21/08/2014 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 21/08/2014 22:51

Turning down the heating is only a problem if it means the house is no longer warm. Going from 23 to 20 is generally not a problem. Just means you can't go around in t-shirts inside while it is cold out.
But turning it down so that an extra layer of clothes is required to stay warm most likely is a problem.
Or not allowing it to be on until a certain time of day could also be a problem.

Only1scoop · 21/08/2014 22:52

Yabu a little....

I think she touches a nerve with this.

Maybe you see her point but resent her highlighting it.

CalamityKate1 · 21/08/2014 23:14

Things like this can be quite complicated though. I think its easy to say "Ooh it's financial abuse" but it isn't always the case. Nobody on the outside of a relationship can ever really understand the nuances of it.

My DH is quite tight. He also doesn't feel the cold much. Due to a combination of those factors he'd probably never have the heating on if he lived alone. I am a cold soul and would quite happily have it on for most of the year.

In winter it's like a game of chicken; he passes the thermostat and turns it down. I pass it and turn it up. He complains it's too hot. I ignore him. I've made it quite clear that I will NOT sit in four jumpers just to save a few quid. So he just huffs and tuts halfheartedly and makes a big show of fanning himself.

I think there's every chance that he'd be a bit control freakish if I let him but crucially, he KNOWS his urge to save every last penny is UR, so mostly he can be coaxed into spending. Me and the kids don't want for anything. By the same token I appreciate that his canniness with money is a huge factor in why we're comfortable in the first place.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 21/08/2014 23:23

It depends what you mean by controlling, if it's just minor disagreements about the heating but you aren't freezing your arse off and have everything you need then yanbu.
Both me and DH are careful with money, it's a good thing in my opinion. If you are happy with it then it's not an issue.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2014 23:49

Bigsooze, if your happy so be it, nobody is perfect, if you are concerned talk to your dh. Abuse is a very heavy word and I think it seems sometimes to be over used like in the case of the op. I am a StAHm, my dh earns and generally takes control of tge finances, he gives me x amount ore month, CB and DLA for dd is paid into my account. My depending is atrocious, I do have a shopping addiction and to be honest he is looking out fir the finances. I don't feel in am being abused at all, I have damaged Hisctrust in me regarding spending, I really need to address this.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2014 23:54

Nobody has picked up this friend is controlling with their finances.

Bouttimeforwine · 21/08/2014 23:55

Yes a huge difference between a swimming pool and the heating.

Does he respect you and take your views into account when deciding something? Sometimes doing something to please you that he wouldn't do himself?
Or does he just make decisions and sod you if you think differently?

Crucial difference.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 21/08/2014 23:57

I think your friend has a point. But unfortunately I also know quite a good number of women whose DPs/DHs keep them in the dark when it comes to finances, probably due to some of them not showing an interest on it.

Personally, I thought I knew what was going on, but I didn't realise how financially abusive my ex was until we separated. He was a very high earner but I din't know what he was doing with the money. When I was married to him I had to save for two weeks to get a lipstick (nothing fancy, just loreal) and most of my clothes and DS's were from charity shops. After the split, I felt liberated, I had a very small income but ", in comparison, I felt rich.

MrsBoldon · 22/08/2014 06:03

Very good point Aero!

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/08/2014 06:53

Actually, I noticed it but I thought that that could be the case, or it could be that the OP is surprised that her friend is allowed to participate in financial at a level that she, herself, would not be allowed to.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/08/2014 06:54

In financial decissions

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/08/2014 06:54

(With a single s, obviously)

Chippednailvarnish · 22/08/2014 06:55

He can sometimes try to be controlling financially but I have learned to live with that

Keep the friend, ditch the DH. "Learning to live" with someone who is financially controlling is nothing more than you have been conditioned to accept unfair treatment.