to be upset my friend thinks she can tell me about my husband...

[Bigsooze]

I have known my friend a long time. We both have high earning husband and live in lovely comfortable houses, though in different countries.

My husband IS careful with his cash and doesn't like to 'waste' it, but we have everything they need and more, we go on great holidays and live a pretty comfortable life. He can sometimes try to be controlling financially but I have learned to live with that.

My friend is very much in charge of her family's finances - she tells her husband what they are going to spend their money on!

But what gets me is that she feels she can moan about my husband. I wouldn't dream of commenting on how anyone else spends their money, or how their relationship works. It's really upset me and makes me feel I should steer clear of her, at least a while... AIBU?

Very heavy to say LTB, over that, otherwise op is happy with her dh. U think she should talk to him about it, mabey see somebody from outside.

It sounds like when you and your friend get together, you sometimes complain about your husband's tightness with money, and she gives her opinion? I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Op has said friend is controlling with finances telling her dh where they should spend their money. So it's ok because it's a woman right!

I still turn heating down, carefully with phone and buy own brand/reduced, it makes dh laugh, he is fanatical about lights being switched off does that makes us controlling. The boys are not cold, starving or made to sit in the dark and we are comfortable, it's normal not to want to waste money. I'd say your friend is boasting about her lifestyle, ignore it.

Only you can tell if your husband is really controlling, or just careful with money.

With the heating thing as an example, I can't stand overheated houses. But last winter DP and I spent the evenings on the sofa wrapped in a blanket because we couldn't afford to have much heating on. If we were doing that if we could afford it, because one of us still insisted on keeping heating off, then that would be abusive. Yet I know that even if we won the lottery we wouldn't be parading round in shorts and T shirts indoors in winter with the heating on full blast - we'd still have normal heat and wear jumpers. I used to live with a man who had to have the rooms hot all winter and I hated the waste of money even though we paid the bills ok.
So it's all a matter of reasons, and degree.

So is it you, or her? Only you can work that out.

I have an interesting little story for you.

I know two wives who have very high earning husbands. Neither has had to work for years, the kids are all at private schools, they both spend a lot on leisure and clothes and hair etc.
Last time I saw Wife A, she commented on how she envied Couple B's relationship because the husband is so devoted to Wife B - anything Wife B wants, Husband B buys for her, and Wife A wishes her husband was like that. Her comment was so much about Husband B loves Wife B and his spending showed that. She wishes her relationship were like that.
It made me at the time.

I also feel that Couple B have an amazing relationship and it's been a role model for me as to what I should expect and aim for in a relationship. But what I like about their relationship is how devoted they are to each other, the way they act, the way they talk, how happy them seem, the amount of time they spend together, how supportive they are of each otherr, and how much general fun and affection and silliness they share. They've been married over 20 years and still act like a pair of teenagers in love. Their financial situation seems completely irrelevant to me as to how their relationship is.

And I also know that Husband A is a bit of a cold fish emotionally.

So what does this tell me about Wife A? She judges the level of a husband's affection by how much he spends on his wife, because in her own marriage the other things don't really happen a lot?

God knows what she thinks of DP and I then as we don't have a pot to piss in. But I think I've finally found a man who can live up to the example set by Couple B.

IS your friends like Wife A?

I think you should listen to your friend.

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse and victims often don't 'see' it.

There is a list, I think on the Wales women's aid site, sorry I can't link, which maybe you should look at to see if any of the other signs ring true.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to see a relationship in it's true light.

It isn't normal or healthy for a partner to be coercing you to keeping the heating off if you need it on and can afford it.

You could call women's aid if you would like to talk to a professional about the dynamics of financial and psychological abuse.

We have no financial issues here and we fight over the heating constantly! Like another poster I turn it down every time I walk past and DH turns it up every time he walks past - its something we are never going to agree on. In fact the only time I turn the heating up is if the children say they feel cold! Its partially about cost (having it on when unnecessary) but also because I don't feel the cold like the others.

OP said that she has equal access to money so being a bit stingy about heating costs doesn't seem to indicate financial abuse. We all compromise in our relationships over something.

I don't want to belittle financial abuse, but some people are just bloody tight by nature, rather than abusive.

Forcing somebody to sit in the cold or refusing to allow them access to joint funds is clearly abusive.

But just being an utter tightarse with your own money is a personal choice. I have a very good friend whose last DP was a miser. He earned shitloads, owned property outright, and lived like a first year student. He didn't force my friend to go without anything, she had her own income. But bloody hell that guy was a legend.

I tried hard at a the time to be diplomatic, but when the info was coming from her, it's hard not to spit your coffee out and go 'what?? He did what??'.

People have to see it in their own time though.

Some overreactions on here, nothing that op cannot sit down and talk to her dh about, and work through it if she is other wise happy!

Yes we don't have enough information to know if this is abusive or not.

Why always assume the worst?

She said she was otherwise happy, just this issue which her dh admits he is. It's over tge top to suggest financial abuse just because he's a bit tight, that would include a lot of the male population.

Op should sit down and talk to him about it, he gas no cause not to trust her she us good with money and never in debt, whereas my spending is dire, I am addressing this.

There's a difference between being tight with money and being financially abusive. But I do think it's a mean trait to keep the heating off/low when people in the house are visibily cold AND you can afford it.

Unfortunately, DP and I can't afford to have the heating on as much as we'd like and sometimes, it does mean we have to wear layers as opposed to turning up the thermostat - but it's not a control issue, it's a "we'd like to eat next month" issue! Believe me, if we could have the heating on more, we would.

If your DH refuses to turn up the heating when he can afford it and other people are visibly cold and uncomfortable, you do need to talk about it, because that's mean and is a sign of being a bit controlling - it smacks of "my need to save money is more important than your comfort."

One persons "financially controlling" is another persons "good with money"

She has said they have equal access to the money and she doesn't go without.

I think the heating is just one area where he has a particular bee in his bonnet. Maybe he doesn't understand why the op needs it so high because he doesn't feel the cold. Not empathetic, but can you call it financially abusive?

I hate getting new toothpaste out before the old one is completely squeezed. Am I financially controlling? No, I am just particularly irrational about that.

I don't think there is enough detail here to know who is being unreasonable.

Like CalamityKate the heating here is a constant source of brinkmanship so I'd disregard that entirely.

I have a friend in work whose husband works for the company too. He writes out a list of what dates she will take her annual leave on, he controls their joint account and gives her pocket money. I couldn't live like that but she is more than happy with it - freely admits she is rubbish at organising herself and this removes any anxiety for her about whether she's spending bill money or whatever. She trusts he has her best interests at heart though and I think that is key.

I think how money is managed in a relationship, is usually a very good indication of the real dynamics of the relationship.

I agree laqueen

As long as you have similar views on spending money, all will generally be hunky dory.

I should imagine very few couples are always 100% in agreement though. As long as they both sometimes win then that is fine. If they mostly agree but when they don't, one persons will, always trumps the other, then that is when you have a fundamental problem.

OP, I imagine that your husband is out of the house for long periods of time if he is a high earner.

Is it the cost of heating the home when he's not in it that bothers him?

Are you ever physically uncomfortable as a result of your husband's spending - ie hungry, cold or without enough clothes?

Imperial the OP has clearly stated they have equal access to the family account and she doesn't go without.

I can't see how anyone can infer "financial abuse" given that fact.

Normally we get upset if people say critical things that we suspect might be true. I suspect she is hitting a raw nerve and that is why you are geting upset. It might be worth thinking about what upsets you, and how things might change.

I know you said upthread you have talked to him about it lots but nothing ever changes. So it sounds like you need some outside help to make changes. Relate (used to be Marriage Guidance Counselling), can be useful. You can go alone. Or you could talk to someone at Women's Aid. You don't have to think you are being abused to get help from them with issues like this.

It sounds like you might have rationalised his controlling behaviour in order to be 'ok' with it and feel very uncomfortable that she's challenging your acceptance of the status quo. I don't think it's her you really want to avoid, it's the reality she is trying to make you face, that your situation is not ok.

It would be a shame if you lost a good friend because you can't cope with her concern over your lifestyle.

He doesn't have control btw, I'm not a doormat by any means.

She says he likes the control but he doesn't actually get it. That's not abusive!

We would all like control but we realise that isn't really life.

She also says (or strongly implies) that the heating is kept at a level she finds uncomfortably cold because he doesn't want to spend the money. That doesn't sound like his not having control.

OP's husband may or may not be financially abusive. But there are some legitimate red flags and if the friend sees those I don't think it's wrong to comment on them. That may or may not be what's going on here, but at the very least OP should consider that her friend may be genuinely concerned, before deciding that actually she's just nosy and bossy.