to be upset my friend thinks she can tell me about my husband...

[Bigsooze]

I have known my friend a long time. We both have high earning husband and live in lovely comfortable houses, though in different countries.

My husband IS careful with his cash and doesn't like to 'waste' it, but we have everything they need and more, we go on great holidays and live a pretty comfortable life. He can sometimes try to be controlling financially but I have learned to live with that.

My friend is very much in charge of her family's finances - she tells her husband what they are going to spend their money on!

But what gets me is that she feels she can moan about my husband. I wouldn't dream of commenting on how anyone else spends their money, or how their relationship works. It's really upset me and makes me feel I should steer clear of her, at least a while... AIBU?

Yes I agree there are some red flags and I would say the same to a good friend. I just think we can't jump to conclusions without more information.

I'm not denying financial abuse occurs but think there's been a bit of a jump here.

I'm more inclined to believe Findo's account here of some low-level moaning between friends going on & the OP's friend not quite understanding that not everyone has the same spending priorities as her. For all we know, the friend's spending could be based on keeping up appearances without any thought to retaining a safety net. I'm not sure that the friend was implying any financial abuse more a misunderstanding of why the OP's husband isn't spending on material goods in the same manner she does?

member - Perhaps that is the case. But people usually only get upset at what a friend thinks about their relationship, if it hits a raw nerve.

No, she said the heating is turned down, not the same as off.

But how far down, op?

Down as in - stop walking around in tshirts in the winter and go and put a sweater on to stay warm, or down as in - put your winter coat on, hat and scarf, in fact half the time it's warmer outside in the middle of winter than it is inside....

If DH kept turning the thermostat down, I would just turn it straight back up and say 'leave it alone, it's too cold in here'.

Putting in a swimming pool - hardly the norm, is it? They are expensive and a lot of work to maintain.

The swimming pool may have been a joke in relation to OP's Husband's meannness?

Maybe re the raw nerve: I can moan/be uncomplimentary about my family but feel very defensive if somebody outside the family were to express the same.
Or another example: I'm Scottish & have misgivings about Independence but hated when Australian PM Tony Abbott commented negatively about Scottish Independence.
I think there can be a sense of it's all right for me to comment but not others but am not convinced it neccessarily means a raw nerve has been touched.
If a raw nerve exists,it could mean "I wish dh would loosen up on his spending priorities" rather than "dh is financially abusing me" imho.

Where could you order a 1st Starbucks in the UK 25 years ago, LaQueen, let alone a 2nd?

Can you be more specific? My dh is a tight wad when it comes to heating but we've compromised. I can see he has a point and I no longer turn the heating up to ridiculous heights. But we have the heating on enough for !me to be comfortable.

We both take an interest in our finances but there's no one person in control.

Apparently, LaQ, the first Starbucks in the UK opened in 1998 I really need to get out more

You want to be able to have open conversations with friends ("I really want to buy x but he said no as it's too expensive") and for friends to sympathise with you ("that's not fair when he could easily afford it" or something similar??). But somewhere she's obviously crossed a line...I wondered if she crosses the line with other topics too or is it just your husband and/or money? If it's the latter then perhaps she' attempting to talk to you seriously about something - would an honest conversation let you explain and reassure your friend that you don't feel hard done by/controlled by your husband or that you feel she talks about money too much/spends it too freely?? Tricky to figure out if she's being nosey and critical or trying (unsuccessfully!) to sympathise.