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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest that my dp delays an opperation he needs because I am due to give birth soon?

34 replies

ikeaismylocal · 21/08/2014 10:50

Dp has repeatedly dislocated his shoulder over the last 2-3 years, he played lots of basketball and the dislocations started whilst he was playing but now they happen when he does everyday actions. The dislocations whilst doing normal things started about a year ago and I have encouraged him to go to the Dr and talk about an operation to stop the dislocations but dp has been reluctant and he has been doing special excersises to try to stregnthen his shoulder but it doesn't seem to have helped much.

The situation came to a head a couple of nights ago when dp dislocated his shoulder in his sleep by rolling over.

Dp has decided to finally go and see the Dr about his shoulder with the hope of having an operation. If he is referred for the operation (which seems quite likely, his friend had fewer dislocations and was given the operation) the maximum wait would be 90 days, most likely around 6-8 weeks.

I am due to give birth in 9 weeks, with my last pregnancy my blood preasure shot up at around 35 weeks and I had to rest constantly, we now have a toddler so if my blood preasure becomes high again dp will need to take time off work to look after ds. The other issue is driving, dp would possibly not be able to drive to and from the hospital, it's half an hour away so we could get a taxi but there will be lots of taxis to and from with dp taking me, then going home to ds, then coming back, then us all going home, it would probably come to around 200 pounds just in taxi fairs (stupidly expensive taxis where we live!)

AIBU and heartless to ask dp to wait until after the baby is born to have this operation?

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 21/08/2014 10:53

I think you're trying to forsee the future too much. DP needs to see the doctor...you shouldn't focus on this potential op as you simply don't know when it will happen.

YABU to suggest he delays though.

primarynoodle · 21/08/2014 10:55

can he not explain that to the doctor who could book him on for a later appointment? surely the maximum time limit protects patients against having to wait for months for an op tjat they want asap?

CatsCantTwerk · 21/08/2014 10:55

Yabu and overthinking it. for what its worth your dp would be extremely lucky to get the op in that short amount of time, I know this from experience.

YouTheCat · 21/08/2014 10:56

He could go to the doctor still but explain the situation. Then they can always pencil him in for a time a few weeksa month after the birth. At least he'll be in the system then.

My brother had this op as he kept dislocating his shoulder following one of the many times he came off his motorbike. He's had no problems since.

londonrach · 21/08/2014 10:59

Yabu. If he needs the operation he should have it dine. Delaying means possibly more damage and pain. Do you ave friends or family that could help with the driving.

longtallsally2 · 21/08/2014 11:01

How frustrating that he wouldn't go before!

However, I agree that it would be sensible to talk to the GP, but make sure he discusses possible timescales with the GP.

It would be useful to have him fully functioning in order to help look after the baby and a toddler afterwards, so a real nuisance to be getting it done now, rather than last year, but at least he will be useful afterwards

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/08/2014 11:02

I understand what you are saying, however he needs to BS able to hold he baby or dress the baby or feed , carry car seat etc without the stress of worrying if he's going to hurt himself doing it. If it halkenef in his sleep then that's pretty bad and would make me wonder if bending over to lift out bath or trying to do something one handed at a funny angle while holding baby could be a serious risk.

I'd be asking friends or family right now, if they would he able to be on stand by.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/08/2014 11:03

Excuse typos

DayLillie · 21/08/2014 11:05

YABU - he needs the op - should have had it already, and as others have said, he can see the doctor and they can possibly work round it to some extent.

If you put it off, it will never be the right time.

LadyLuck10 · 21/08/2014 11:05

It must be quite a worry for you, the timing sucks. I think it's best though that he goes for the op. He won't be much help if it gets dislocated even while he is asleep.
The best thing you can do is have a back up plan should the op and birth happen around the same time. Do you have any family that could help out, or stay for a bit while you both are recovering.

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 21/08/2014 11:13

We have lots of family close by, but it is all dp's family, and they are mostly uninterested in ds, most of them have never been to visit us despite all living within a 5 minute drive of each other so I'm not sure how much help they would be.

I think dp should go to the Dr, he has a telphone appointment tomorrow.

The thing that mostly worries me is that either me or dp will be putting our health (and if it's me, the health of our unborn baby) at risk by running around after ds. I do very much hope I don't develop high blood preasure, my mum had it with all of her pregnancies, my father was a bit crap and I was a toddler when she was pregnant with dc2, they made her go into hospital as resting at home was just not an option with a toddler to look after. There is a special rule in the country we live in that all medical things, operations, but also things like IVF or speach therapy must happen within 90 days I'm not sure what happens if you say you want to opt out of the 90 day rule, there must be a way of doing it.

I'm frustrated that he didn't try to deal with this earlier when life wasn't quite so hectic!

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 21/08/2014 11:14

He needs the op, and in that sense you are BU to make him wait at all because of the possibility of extra damage...

...but the fact that he's refused to go for ages does rather change that a bit - if he'd taken the initiative to sort himself out ages ago your WHOLE family - including him - wouldn't have a potential big inconvenience around the time of the birth.

So. With the birth approaching, I say that your needing to be as relaxed and confident as possible going into childbirth trumps a shoulder. Also, yes you could get family in etc., but the way these things tend to go - if you DO end up bed bound and he has just had a shoulder op, the kind of 'oh I'm fine' partner who puts off going to the docs is probably going to be the same kind who won't phone your mum to help carry your toddler around, will just do it himself and re-damage his shoulder post-op.

So I would think that for everyone's sake includign the poor shoulder it would actually be better and safer to ensure that op and baby do not cross over.

Get him to go to the docs but make it clear that he will not be available for the op until baby is a couple of weeks old?

Castlemilk · 21/08/2014 11:15

If it's a clear rule OP, then I would probably wait until slightly nearer your birth date to go to the docs - and have him be ultra careful with the shoulder until then.

iggymama · 21/08/2014 11:16

If he is seeing the consultant soon ( could you pay privately for the consultation then go on NHS list) then perhaps he could take a short notice cancellation slot and have his op ASAP and be better before baby arrives. Some folk have holidays booked so a fair chance of getting in quick.

If you are paying for the 1st appointment you could be seen in less than a week.

BrainSurgeon · 21/08/2014 11:23

Oh dear, what a predicament. Sounds like you are not in the UK so not sure what to advise regarding medical options.

If at all possible, and assuming the doctor does advise the operation, my advice would be to speed up his operation, the sooner the better so that he is fully able to look after you and baby on 9 weeks time!

Otherwise, as other posters have said, there is a serious risk that he may not be able to help much with the baby (or toddler) if his shoulder isn't functioning, so delaying the operation won't sort the problem. Rock and a hard place!

LoafersOrLouboutins · 21/08/2014 11:24

I understand why you're annoyed (grr why couldn't he go to the doctor before now) but realistically if he needs the operation then it must be done ASAP. Yabu-ish

TheCraicDealer · 21/08/2014 11:31

I don’t agree that childbirth trumps a shoulder, I’m sorry. Dislocating a limb is agony, and if it’s now so unstable he’s doing it in his sleep then it needs sorted ASAP. IIRC you co-sleep with your toddler and intend to have the newborn in with you as well. If he’s in pain throughout the night that’s going to be unpleasant for all of you. And realistically, if he puts it off when will be a good time? It’s going to be a good few months before you’re in a routine with both of them- that’s months he has to forgo treatment.

I would proceed with the appointment and treatment plan as normal, ask the doctor about realistic recovery times and plan childcare accordingly.

fourforksache · 21/08/2014 11:33

yanbu, it doesn't sound life threatening and the birth is as much his issue as it is yours. in his shoes, I'd see the gp in a couple of months. he's waited this long after all, a couple more months isn't long.

WooWooOwl · 21/08/2014 11:41

You are overthinking this, he hasn't even seen the doctor yet, let alone be referred for the operation.

I also disagree that childbirth trumps a dislocating shoulder. It does not. Of my DH needed an operation I'd want it done as soon as possible no matter what.

It's very possible that family will step into help if your needs are that great. Would any of your own family be able to come and stay to help you.

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 21/08/2014 11:47

The co-sleeping is a worry, I am confident that we can safely co-sleep with the toddler and the newborn if both me and dp are in the bed as both babies will have seperate side car cots on either side of the bed ds can cuddle into dp and the newborn can cuddle/breastfeed with me. If dp is on strong pain killers that make him drowsy he won't be able to co-sleep with either baby, my plan is to put the newborn in a normal cot, but that does seem oh so mean when the older child is in with me, but I need to think of safety first and I think it will be easier to put the newborn in a cot than put ds in a cot/bed.

It isn't so much the birth I am worried about, it is the chance that I will need dp to help me look after ds if my blood preasure is high, also this baby is currently not head down, I have a heart shaped womb and a big fibroid which means that if the baby grows much bigger before going head down there won't be much chance of him going head down as he will get too big to manover in my odd womb which would mean I would need a c-section which ofcourse I would need dp's help after. I am happy to go and give birth alone if needs be.

It would be ideal if dp could have the opperation in the newxt couple of weeks, but it seems unlikely it will happen that fast, a cancelation is something to hope for!

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 21/08/2014 11:49

he doesn't sound like he would be too much help with a baby and toddler if he is dislocating his shoulder In his sleep

Piccarcas · 21/08/2014 11:53

Given all the circumstances, can your DHs procedure date be brought forward to ASAP?

Tvseemstobemyhobby · 21/08/2014 11:55

What if you have to have a c section and can't lift car seats, push prams etc.. . Think it would be better to go to the doctors and get his op moving now and done ASAP. What's the recovery time like??

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 21/08/2014 12:13

One arm is fine so he can lift ok with that one. He's never aactually dislocated his shoulder whilst looking after ds, it seems to be more when he reaches up or moves his body awkwardly, that's not to say it won't happen whilst caring for ds.

OP posts:

ArabellaTarantella · 21/08/2014 13:57

I'd love to know where you are that he can get an operation that quickly

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