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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a constant flow of kids through my house

47 replies

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 17:46

I live in an area where they can play safely and don't mind that kids come knocking on huge door for my two but now it's our dinner time. I fully expect my kids to leave another persons house whilst that child is having their dinner unless tea was a prior arrangement and would expect the parents to tell them so.
Afterwards I want a bit of peace to have a cuppa and watch the news but I feel like I run a crèche. If I send mine out to play they usually end back at a friends house then I feel bad that they have imposed themselves on that household. I suppose it's up to that household to manage that as they see fit. How do others manage this? I feel like my house is never my own. Kids come through and ask to play on iPad, can they play on wii (no I'm watching the news). I do just say no but get fecking annoyed that I even have to. Would you all please just piss off please

OP posts:

londonrach · 20/08/2014 17:48

Your house sounds amazing.... (Would have loved visiting as a child) seriously speak to the parents. Also some rules like all go home when you eat full stop....

MrsWinnibago · 20/08/2014 17:52

Huge door? Either way....I'm jealous. Just get rid of them by teatime. Clap hands, shoo out of door. Sorted.

phonebox · 20/08/2014 17:53

I played out and in my friends' houses a lot as a child, and wouldn't have dared impose on their tea/dinner-time.

Standard play time was 1pm - 5pm and then we all sauntered back to our respective houses when we got hungry!

We did take the piss a bit though and if our friends' parents were fed up of us hanging around then we would just be told to go back outside and we would accept this.

I think maybe have some kind of system, e.g. is it possible to let your DC know when they can allow their friends round and say, leave the door open for them, and when it's not acceptable their friends have to stay away?

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 18:07

Have just given my two a pep talk and told them they have to manage this better. To be fair to the two kids just here, when I shouted that dinner was on the table they got up to leave but did ask if they could come back in ten minutes. Erm no. Give it an hour please. It's just their expectation that gets me. One child rings the doorbell and by the time I've gotten to the door to open it, he's already stood on the step with his shoes off making to come in whether I've said he could or not. The other just wanders through making to take the iPad even though I've already told my son he's not getting it before dinner. Other child doesn't even ask, just reaches for it. I just told him no but to just assume he can take something on someone else's house with asking!!! I've noticed this seems to be more of an issue with the boys. The girls seem more socially aware.

OP posts:

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 18:08

Don't know why my OP said 'huge door' btw. Feck knows what autocorrect was trying to do there

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nachohousekeeper · 20/08/2014 18:13

YANBU. DS has a friend who lives opposite is. When I call DS in for tea, his friend comes in our front garden and peers in through the lounge window!

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 18:50

nacho. what do you do? that would drive me nuts! Do you pull the blind down?

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HannerHet · 20/08/2014 18:59

When ours have friends to play they play in their rooms, keep out of mine (I shut the Door), and only one is allowed in at a time.

RobinSparkles · 20/08/2014 19:05

I just say "X, you'll have to go home now as DD1 and 2 are having their tea." Usually the children playing at our house are from our Cul-de-sac so if they were reluctant to go I would just take them home.

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 19:23

Back when I were a lass we all just played outside. We were rarely in each others houses. It just wasn't expected. Once we were teenagers then we would be in our friends' rooms but only if it was raining, generally we roamed around until dark. When did it become the norm for kids to be in your hair constantly?
I sometimes think I'm the monster Mum laying down all the rules but I can't be that bad if the kids all keep coming back.

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maninawomansworld · 20/08/2014 20:53

My family have always lived in the middle of nowhere so never had this problem (nearest neighbour over half a mile away). DW (well, her parents) however did.
Her parents had a very simple rule - no one in the house after dinner time. DW could go back out for an agreed time after dinner or could stay in and read or whatever but no non resident children were allowed in the house after the evening meal.

Sounds simple and fair to me.

comediewithme · 20/08/2014 21:20

Your house sounds great! We did all go home as younger children, but as teenagers one friends mum always had an open door so that if you were stuck/had no dinner/it was raining outside, you could always stay at their house and they didn't mind at all, they just got on with their family life and you joined them. Board games, tv etc, anyone welcome.

I think when mine are big I will try and do the same because no, her house wasn't always her own but she always knew where her teenage son and his mates were, and that they were safe and not up to no good.

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 20/08/2014 22:43

I would never see anyone stuck however I'm not talking teenagers here, I'm talking 9-11 year olds. And I'm the sort of person who likes her own space. I know that's not always an option with kids but I don't have a 'Youth Cafe' sign above my door. I'm going to have to take a firmer stance though for some of them I have no idea if the penny ever drops. E.g. Friend of son: Can I come round tomorrow? Me: No we're going to see Dd and Ds's Granny. You can see Ds after dinner once we are back. He rings the door the following morning to come for a play. Kids are getting their shoes on and I'm putting jackets in the car and he still engages with ds but completely ignores the fact that I'm saying we're just about to head off, we'll see you later. Ended up with me shouting at Ds to get in the car and shut the door before friend finally buggered off.

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RoadKillBunny · 20/08/2014 23:33

We have a 'nobody in the house without prior arrangement' rule. The children are out playing in the close almost all day at the moment but with only one exception there is never going into others homes. (The one exception is the family with pre school children so need constant supervision so they do all pile in there or to their garden to play be only ever when invited and out the moment the other parent says).
My house growing up had an open door policy but for verious reasons that worked for my family, when we where young meal times was the cue to go home but once we where teens my mum just fed who ever was there, we where the destination for all waifs and strays, you need to start as you men to go on if you don't want that to happen, simply state that it's time to go as you are eating and after that it is your quiet time.
When it comes to helping themselves, absolutely not! Lay down the law!

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 21/08/2014 00:09

Your Mum fed whoever was there? This is one where I do stick to my guns as I do not like extras at mealtimes being sprung upon me. A friend for dinner only if pre arranged or in an emergency obviously. Your Mum sounds like one of those nice kind ladies I'd love to be but alas it's not in my genes.

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BlahBlahYeahYeah · 21/08/2014 00:48

Im one who feeds whoever is here !

And my dd is fed wherever she ends up too.

We have a kind street

musicalendorphins2 · 21/08/2014 01:01

I often fed whoever was here, but also had no qualms about saying "DS...dinner! Time for df to go home"

Morloth · 21/08/2014 01:44

Surely dinner time is 'curfew'?

That was how it was when I was growing up and it is how it works now with my DS1's friends.

Kids all over the place and in and out until dinner is on the table and then they have to bugger off, after dinner DS1 stays home, either reading or homework or watching stuff on the tablet.

I assume all the other kids do the same.

Just boot them at dinner and tell them not to come back until the next day.

Morloth · 21/08/2014 01:45

If we are going out I just turf any extras out and go out.

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 21/08/2014 08:06

I'm still not getting the 'feed whoever is here' thing. Don't they have homes to go to? Is this without the consent of the kids' parents? Am I such an evil cow then? Is this the norm? What if they are supposed to go home for dinner and feeding them only spoils their appetite? I'd be mad if I'd prepared dinner with one of my kids coming in saying they'd already eaten. To me that is just rude. I'm hassled enough cooking for my own family never mind feeding the multitude without prior arrangement. How do you do it? I generally have to meal plan and money is tight.

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Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 21/08/2014 08:38

Oh ffs. This really is the limit. Random child appears at door at 8.20am as I'm having my morning shit and still in pjs. Honestly. Sent him packing back to his own house to wait until it's time to walk to school (which is 15 minutes away). And it wasn't because his parents had left for work.

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BlahBlahYeahYeah · 21/08/2014 11:19

Op, I suppose it depends on the children's parents and what kind of understanding you have with them. It's usually one of my dd's friend who pops along whenever and if it's dinner time, I always feed her and her mum does the same. But we are both Asian, and i think it's just part of the culture, and the hospitality extends to children too. I'd find it rude if my dd came home and said they sent me home because they were having dinner! And I'm sure it's the same for dd's friend's mum. It's just not the done thing.

Also, dd's friends that come for play dates (for want of a better word) also get fed, but I usually let the mum know that they can stay for tea, so she doesn't make any dinner at home. The other day dd's friend came from and I was going to make them fish fingers, chips and beans and she asked for a tuna sandwich instead, which I happily made. The poor mum was mortified at the 'special request' it's only a sandwich after all!

But half 8 in the morning is taking the piss!

BlahBlahYeahYeah · 21/08/2014 11:22

I do find that the non-Asian mums are usually highly embarrassed when their child asks for something in particular or doesn't like a certain food I prepare for them (like once when I lovingly made meatballs and spaghetti from scratch and dd's friend asked for waffles instead ) but in the Asian culture, the guest gets what the guest wants and there's no kind of embarrassment about it and it's not considered rude/or a burden.

Original poster

voluptuagoodshag · 21/08/2014 11:31

Don't have a problem with different cultures and I do often have organised play dates which usually includes dinner and I'll specify this to the kids' parents. I guess I only have my own childhood to compare it to and growing up we never expected to get fed at other peoples house and that was just the norm, everyone seemed to have this rule. I'm not a whizz in the kitchen but do cook proper meals that I know my family will like and grew up with the well eat it or starve method of child rearing, as did my DH and all our contemporaries.

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BlahBlahYeahYeah · 21/08/2014 11:55

I was just going to say, it's probably what you're used to growing up as a child. Hope you sent the 8:30 kid packing

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