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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ds1 go to the in laws on his own again?

50 replies

Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 12:25

DS1 is 8 and wanted to stay with DH's parents. He went Friday evening and was due to return Thursday. He decided he wanted to come home yesterday (Monday) and so MIL brought him back. We live 2.5 hours away.

Upon return he told me that MIL had told him that she will not be planning anything special for him on any future visits as they were supposed to be meeting with her friend and going to the cinema. Also he was told that he would not be invited again for a while because of his lies.

The lies in question are in relation to ds wanting to go on BIL xbox and said he only was on it for 15 minutes, now we all now that 15 mins to an 8 yr old is probably an hour at least so there wasn't an issue there. ds had told me about this on the phone and I shared it with MIL on the phone. But the bit that pissed me off was that when I got off the phone to her she pulled ds up on it. She told him that telling such lies would hurt BIL's feelings, he's 23.

He wet the bed while he was there and I am told that he was not told off for it. But last night he was upset, crying, never wants to go again..

He has had 2 bad nose bleeds this morning and begs me not to tell MIL what he has told me as she might shout at him for it. He seems so upset by it all and as much as I want to ring and find out what the hell has gone on she tends to make everything about her and be the victim so there really is no positive outcome in confronting her. DH says not to let him go again and I do agree but why does no one face up to this woman about anything? DH won't ring her and instead will discreetly speak to Father IL but I doubt anything will be raised with her.

I am not quite sure what I am asking here, a viewpoint, some perspective or advice? Thanks for reading..

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 19/08/2014 12:28

Not making him go again, and explaining to MIL why not if she asked is as far as I'd bother. She isn't able to deal with an 8 year old, so it's unfair to him to put him in that position again.
If you feel she needs to be spoken to, why don't you do it and not DH?

DizzyKipper · 19/08/2014 12:29

I'm guessing no one faces up to her because she's established through past behaviour that it really isn't worth facing up to her for. As you've said,there'll be no positive outcome for confronting her. If she's anything like my MIL she won't accept anything that's said to her, will twist and turn everything around, and make herself look like a victim (whilst trying to recruit as many people onto her "side" as possible). Your son doesn't want to go again so you're perfectly reasonable not to send him should she ever ask. Whether you want to tell her why as and when it comes up is up to you.

WooWooOwl · 19/08/2014 12:30

It sounds like it will be impossible to find out exactly what has happened here, simply because your MILs perspective and your ds's perspective are going to be two different things.

I don't think there's much that can be achieved by pulling your mil up on it, and as it's your DHs mum, I'd say it's really up to him. It will be enough to just reassure your ds and not to allow him to stay again.

MrsWinnibago · 19/08/2014 12:31

The trip was too long firstly. As he's not used to going, why plan such a long one?

JustAShopGirl · 19/08/2014 12:35

Your child was upset by her - so why don't you - as your child's mother "face up to this woman" over it all. Just because she is your husband's mother does not mean you can't tell her how you feel.

Just say he will not be coming again and tell her why.

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 12:36

Thanks for your quick replies, she isn't a complete ogre but in reality I will speak to her about something and have an adult conversation and then she will ring round her husband and sons and 'let them know' that I have called her and she's upset by the discussion. Then I will get calls, texts etc why have you had a go? Even if I haven't.

It's just drama that I don't find in many 'adults' it all feels like a playground row!

OP posts:
mandy214 · 19/08/2014 12:38

I've read your post slightly differently - is it not a case of he wasn't allowed on BIL's xbox, he says he was only on it for 15 minutes (even though he shouldn't have been on it) and then tells you on the phone that it was only 15 minutes. You (realistically) know it was more likely to be an hour; MIL pull DS up for saying it was only 15 mins when it was in fact an hour. MIL maybe thinks that you'll think BIL was being precious if he didn't want to share his xbox for 15 minutes - but thats not what happened.

Your DS (I'm guessing) is upset because he's upset his grandma / knows he did something wrong or is worried because he knows if you push it / try to find out what happened, it might be something else and he'll be in trouble.

That's my impression (speaking as a parent of a 9yr old DS Grin)!

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 12:39

MrsWInnibago He was due to be at MIL's until Tuesday then go off to my Mum's until Thursday. He has stayed at MIL's for the weekend before and also at my Mum's.

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Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 12:42

Mandy he was allowed on it, BIL had promised to let him on after work and kept his word. Ds is exaggerating by saying only 15 mins and has a habit when it comes to Xbox of thinking only a few minutes have passed! My issue was that she pulled him up on it after my phone call to her the next day and I only found out yesterday. Poor Ds had forgotten he had told me as it was on the phone the night before.

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 19/08/2014 12:43

Yes I very much read that as your ds struggled to behave an when told off by you mil he didn't like it and decided I come home.

I actually don't think she did much wrong.

You won't know the ins and outs so I would just decide it didn't work as you won't repeat the experience.

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 12:48

But pulling him up on something he had said to me on the phone the day before that i discussed with her? He had mentioned the sunday night that he wanted to come home and I said to go to sleep and see how you feel tomorrow.

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Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 12:52

Sounds like there is more to this, And how MIL dealt with the incident. It is worrying that this child seems traumatised (nose bleeds, wetting the bed, out of character) over something so small. Occasionally I would get my dad's heavy hand if I back chatted, but I never was like your poor ds.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 12:54

I don't know if I would confront her, you might not get the truth, but I would never send him there alone again.

Miggsie · 19/08/2014 12:57

As your MIL said she wouldn't invite him again then make sure she never does - she doesn't sound like a person I'd leave a young child with - she seems to enjoy making people feel bad.

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 13:02

Miggsie I think this is exactly it, she does make people feel bad. And she has shared beforw now that 'her boys' would never behave like that and if they had they would've been slapped. We don't hit our children and don't believe in it but appreciate that parenting has changed since we were children.

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SorryForTheTypos · 19/08/2014 13:09

I'm 50/50 about whether DS was acting up or she was overreacting, but the bedwetting and nosebleeds make me inclined to think your son was really upset there.

I wouldn't "face up to her" as it sounds as if she enjoys drama as you said she makes everything about her. I wouldn't facilitate him going to stay again and if it is ever questioned, just calmly say "I don't think it is anyone's interests is it?".

Pangurban · 19/08/2014 13:15

Wouldn't put him in this situation again without support from him immediate family. You don't know the full story about what went on to upset him so much. She sounds manipulative and quite good with her own pr when you mention the phone calls to the family saying how upset she is after getting off the phone about some issue with you and you being oblivious to this great injury. Good at omission in order to present herself in a good light. You'd probably be even more puzzled if you were eight.

Did he do anything so bad as to be merit being shouted at?

Pangurban · 19/08/2014 13:17

Interesting you mention she talked about slapping. Would she have hit him, do you think?

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 13:22

I honestly don't think she would have hit him. And he is a good boy generally besidea the typical "I'm bored" "this is boring" he doesn't swear or backchat.

The 23 year old BIL in question is the only son still at home and IMO is mummied a bit so it may be that she is looking out for her sons feelings over the whole xbox thing. But at 23 surely he should not be upset by a fib from an 8 year old.

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Thenapoleonofcrime · 19/08/2014 13:23

The plain fact is, whatever happened he doesn't like it there and shouldn't be made to go back soon.

Sometimes children do need correcting or helping to behave when away, but the person has to do it in a way the child doesn't get overwhelmed. It is hard though, as his mum you may shout but have lots of loving time and it's not a big deal. A granny shouting at you is much scarier.

Perhaps this may blow over in time, something similar happened last year to us, one of the grandparents was a bit rude to one of mine, if I had said it it would have been no issue, but the child was quite upset.

It has blown over this year though and they have been back to stay with the gp, just for a short time though.

petalunicorn · 19/08/2014 13:30

I don't think you will ever know the truth of what went on and tbh I don't think there is any point on dwelling on it. The most likely thing is that he was a bit of a pain and she's not used to dealing with a child and got fed up with him. If a visit ever gets suggested again, ask DS if he wants to go, if he does remind him he got upset this time and is he sure, and then go from there.

Pangurban · 19/08/2014 13:36

They really weren't going to cater in any way for an 8 year old, were they? Even her own son (your Dh) is saying not to send him there again.

diddl · 19/08/2014 13:41

It sounds as if it could be six of one & half a dozen of the other.

Did she invite him or did he ask to go?

He does sound frightened, though.

Well she said that she won't be asking for a while, & it's not obligatory anyway!

I think it's hard to "face up to her" on this as you weren't there & don't know exactly what happened.

Pangurban · 19/08/2014 13:44

I must out myself though and admit my 11 yo has never stayed alone with his paternal grandparents. In my case though, it is very obviously not a good idea. He once hit his head on a large plant pot of theirs and was crying. They kept saying he was crying 'cos he was tired. No, he was crying 'cos he had just hit his head on the plant pot.

On another occasion, some square cornered glass coffee tables were is discussion as they were in the middle of the room. My fil started saying that they learn if they hit their heads. No, I'd rather my toddler son didn't learn by hitting his head on the corner of your glass coffee tables. To her credit, my mil made a nest of the tables to the side of the room.

Original poster
Natalie1989xo · 19/08/2014 13:53

It was a planned visit as we moved in May and it was something to look forward to. Trip 'home' visit all grandparents etc.

It is hard as I wasn't there, I wish she was approachable so it could be discussed but don't think that is possible.

The cinema trip yesterday was also a chance for her to catch up with her friend so i imagine she was inconvenienced at having to change her plans. Hence the 'I shan't plan anything special for you again' comment.

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