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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with my friend?

115 replies

bigredtractor · 17/08/2014 21:23

My friend has just cancelled her visit with 2 days notice after we agreed it back in June and I'm furious. I live 400 miles away now but we were (still are, I thought) close friends from when we lived in the same town. She is my 4yo's godmother.

My sister is also visiting next week - which I let her know out of courtesy. They've met many times. We've got 2 spare rooms just now so plenty of space for everyone. She (my friend) texted me back within the hour saying that she'll come later in the year when she doesn't have to share us with anyone ( her words). I've tried to persuade her but she won't change her mind. I was really looking forward to seeing her.

AIBU to be pissed off at her cancelling at this notice? And doubly pissed off at the -excuse- reason? Not wanting to 'share' time with me and the kids seems weird to me. PLUS the assumption that we can just 'do it another time' when we're not exactly round the corner.

I'm going to have a v disappointed 4yo. Grrrr

OP posts:

MarthasHarbour · 17/08/2014 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bowlersarm · 17/08/2014 22:21

You have no right to be peeved, OP.

What you should be doing is making sure your friend isn't peeved with you and the situation you've created, after looking forward to it and having it in her diary for months.

Bowlersarm · 17/08/2014 22:23

@ pixie - what the bloody hell has your situation got to do with the op's?

RainbowB7 · 17/08/2014 22:26

YABVU as you are the one who suddenly changed the plans and I agree with everyone else it's your friend who has the right to be peeved, not you!

ChasedByBees · 17/08/2014 22:30

You have no right at all to be peeved!

PixieofCatan · 17/08/2014 22:30

I missed the post where she said that told her today I assumed from the OP it was a known factor that another visitor would be there.

I was also sharing frustration with OP at being cancelled on late notice, which is why I shared my situation/annoyance martha, it's quite upsetting. Though having realised sister was a new development I can somewhat understand the friend's POV.

PixieofCatan · 17/08/2014 22:31

I was wondering why everybody was unanimously YABU!

Gruntfuttock · 17/08/2014 22:33

Pixie is obviously one of those people who will respond to anyone talking to them with:- "Fascinating, now let's talk about me!"

Gruntfuttock · 17/08/2014 22:34

Cross-posted with Pixie's later posts.

Acolyte · 17/08/2014 22:41

She's flying and you''re still quite happy that your sister is trumping her visit.

If I were you, I'd be doing everything I could for my friend to visit and if that meant cancelling sister, doo be it.

I can't believe she has paid for her flight and you've thrown a curve ball at the last minute.
Maybe you should be offering to reimburse her costs.

PixieofCatan · 17/08/2014 22:43

Of course grunt I'm a raging narcisist ;)

FWIW, I was actually thinking more along the lines of "I'm really peeved at my mate at the moment too, lets make OP feel a bit better and let her know that she's not alone on the flakey friends front!" I assumed that OPs friend knew that the sister would be there all along, and has just decided to cancel and use that as an excuse, which is pretty much what my friend has done to me wrt her partner not being able to come is her excuse at just not wanting to come.

No clue how I missed that post about telling her today, pissed off at the world atm and wanting to join a rant and share frustrations with people going through similar (only not, as the case turned out to be)

Your friend must be disappointed herself at realising her time with you will have a different dynamic with your sister about, because it does when there's three, and somebody you're not actually that close too.

Original poster

bigredtractor · 17/08/2014 22:43

Well egg on my face as neither of them are coming now - my sister took offence when I asked whether her tickets were flexible and explained what had happened.

And I'm peeved because - and I REALLY didn't want to dripfeed - I'm on my own with 2 DCs and massively struggling as my DH works offshore. They both know that. And it seems to me that my friend - and now my sister! - is sulking at something that has always been fairly usual in our friendship. Her mum and sometimes SIL have been there when I've visited. I never batted an eyelid - I've been pleased to see them and we rolled along.

OP posts:

BakerStreetSaxRift · 17/08/2014 22:45

OP I'd cancel your sister. Threes are an uncomfortable number when you're the "outsider" of the group.

I would feel really hurt if I was your friend and you'd invited someone else to stay the same week I'd travelled that way to have a proper catch up with you.

Especially as she's already booked and paid for flights, I think you should get your sister to come at a later time.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2014 22:45

Have you told your friend that you sister has cancelled so it's back to the original arrangement?

BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 22:48

So have you called your friend, you know, on the actual phone and apologised? Have you told her that you have asked your sister to come another time? Have you asked her to come - please?

PixieofCatan · 17/08/2014 22:49

When did your sister start planning her trip? Call them both, apologise for the mishap and try to work something out, maybe friend comes down this week and sister when she next has free time? If your sister was able to book something last minute I'm guessing it'll be more likely that she'd be able to again unlike your friend?

At least you'll know for next time to check they're actually okay with it!

BakerStreetSaxRift · 17/08/2014 22:49

In fact, I'd say that's a really gracious text from your friend, she clearly is very unhappy, but values your friendship. She hasn't kicked up a fuss, but knows it would be very damaging to come all that way and feel resentful for the whole weekend.

Your friend has done the right thing.

pictish · 17/08/2014 22:50

I think this is one of those moments OP.
I can see you didn't intend offence to your friend whatsoever, and in fact are still a bit baffled as to her taking it...but I think the answer across the board has it. You unintentionally guffed up. You have my sympathies, cos we've all guffed up at times. I know this has all gone Pete Tong for you.

But hey - now you know.

Original poster

bigredtractor · 17/08/2014 22:51

My sister is actually travelling further, just a different way, not that it matters. Train tix are pretty similar to flights in ££!

OP posts:

PixieofCatan · 17/08/2014 22:55

What date was your sister supposed to come? Train tickets can be a nightmare to change but if she gets in early enough she may be able to cancel, not sure about flights though!

FishWithABicycle · 17/08/2014 22:58

I wouldn't want to travel hundreds of miles to visit either a sister or a close friend at the same time as someone else's visit. Sorry to hear that it has all backfired on you but I don't think you should be angry with either of them.

eddielizzard · 17/08/2014 23:52

well that is annoying if she's done that to you.

however i think if you phone and say 'look, i'm sorry i got it all wrong. my sis isn't coming. please come. i was really looking forward to it.' i bet she would happily still come.

phone her first thing.

Tinkerball · 18/08/2014 00:04

You still don't seem to understand why your friend maybe just wanted you alone, and it had nothing to do with how things have been "ran" in the past.

EverythingCounts · 18/08/2014 00:18

So, the lesson here is, next time you have arrangements for someone to visit, tell any other prospective visitors you can't do that weekend. With your DP away a lot you'd be letter off spreading out your visitors anyway. Try what Eddie says above with your friend.

EverythingCounts · 18/08/2014 00:20

Also, maybe she has something very personal she wants to talk to you about? What if she has been diagnosed with an illness or has had other bad news and wants to have time with you privately?

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