DH controlling finances, is it fair?

(383 Posts)
ItWasMyOwnSilence Sat 16-Aug-14 19:36:02

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

Myrandomfamily Sat 16-Aug-14 19:38:08

Obviously you're not bu.

What will you do?

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 16-Aug-14 19:40:19

Fuck that.

The maternity money should be going in your account.

AlpacaMyBags Sat 16-Aug-14 19:41:59

YANBU at all. You are working, by looking after your kids. You should have access to the joint account.

ItWasMyOwnSilence Sat 16-Aug-14 19:43:32

I do have access to the joint account but it does not have much 'spare' in it after mortgage, bills, food shopping etc.

Fairylea Sat 16-Aug-14 19:46:06

All wrong. He's being an arse.

I am a sahm. We pay everything into the joint account, (dhs wage, tax credits and child benefit etc). All bills / direct debits come out 2nd month. We allocate £ xxx a week for food and petrol. Some for savings and whatever is left we split equally to spend and transferred to our own accounts.

We have equal spending money. You are contributing equally. You should have equal access to money and equal spending money.

Does your husband not see that if you weren't at home looking after HIS and your children you'd be able to have a full time job with plenty of money for treats too?! hmm

He sounds dreadful sad

You are sacrificing but it doesn't sound like he is at all!

IcecreamWhatSandwich Sat 16-Aug-14 19:47:07

It is not his money. It is your family's and you are not being unreasonable.

The Relationships board might be better for this?

chubbyhez Sat 16-Aug-14 19:47:30

That's awful. You are 'earning' your maternity pay at the very least you should have access to that.

But regardless, the whole set up is shocking.

Ronmione Sat 16-Aug-14 19:47:33

£60 a month, does the twat sit there eating his takeaway while you have some dry bread and water.

Honestly he's a selfish cunt and you need to leave him. He is happy to leave his wife in poverty while he lives it up.

If you're not up to leaving him. Change you mat pay to go I to your account. At least you'll be £110 up. I'm sure he'll make a fuss, but hopefully he'll show his true colours and you can leave him then.

But before you do get copies of all his accounts. For when you bleed the bastaes dry

LadyLuck10 Sat 16-Aug-14 19:47:53

Yanbu this isn't right op. His attitude is horrible. Does he think your dc take care of themselves?
If you have access to account then why does he need to give you pocket money, you should take out what you want within reason as well.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 16-Aug-14 19:48:35

Divorce him - you will then get the money you are entitled to.

I'm not joking by the way. He sounds awful.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 16-Aug-14 19:48:48

I didn't think "all in" joint accounts were very common anymore.

Dp and I don't have one yet, but will do once we're married, fairly shortly.

It will be for household things only and then we will retain the rest of our money in our own accounts.

op your husband sounds awful, you must say something to him about this.

hormonalandneedingcheese Sat 16-Aug-14 19:48:57

If your money is going in then so should his be. He shouldn't be giving you 'just enough', there should be enough mutul trust to either pool or for him to make up the difference - aka what you would have put in before maternity.

Ronmione Sat 16-Aug-14 19:49:33

I do have access to the joint account but it does not have much 'spare' in it after mortgage, bills, food shopping etc

Is that because he spends it on takeaways or does he move it.

ItWasMyOwnSilence Sat 16-Aug-14 19:50:33

Fairylea the way you do it is the way I think it should be done.

He makes me feel like he is doing a massive favour by giving me 'pocket money' each month.

Fairylea Sat 16-Aug-14 19:50:50

Look up csa calculator and show him how much he'll have to pay you if you split up plus go on turn to us website and find out how much tax credits etc you could get and tell him if he doesn't stop being such an absolute cunt he can fuck off.

Seriously he's awful.

Iggly Sat 16-Aug-14 19:51:33

Yanbu.

What does he think you're doing?

For Jeff's sake. You have a child together, you're looking after his child, he should bloody well make sure you have decent finances.

Not pocket money.

Bloody hell.

And you aren't a child so he shouldn't be giving you pocket money, how demeaning!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 16-Aug-14 19:51:59

First things first - your Maternity Pay into your account. This should be easy to change.

Iggly Sat 16-Aug-14 19:52:02

He thinks he's doing you a favour?

What a bell end.

PurpleFeather Sat 16-Aug-14 19:54:02

This is abuse! You are suffering from financial abuse. I'm sure someone wise will come along soon and provide you with helpful links and information.

This situation sounds extremely unhealthy. Putting the issue of your own poverty aside for a moment, how do you feel about your children growing up, thinking this is a normal and healthy relationship? How would you feel if they ended up in the same situation?

You deserve better. You need to leave this nasty and controlling man, and soon!

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 16-Aug-14 19:54:22

Do you not work hard looking after the kids then? £60 a month that you end up spending on family items is not fair, indeed the way he controls this is financial abuse.

Can you go back to work soon, full time, and split the childcare costs? As you can't afford to carry on like this.

PleaseJustShootMeNow Sat 16-Aug-14 19:55:08

Your husband is a selfish arse who needs to grow up. I'm a SAHM too. My DH would sell the shirt off his back if need be to ensure me and DS have everything we need and a heck of a lot of what we want. I feel very cross on your behalf.

phantomnamechanger Sat 16-Aug-14 19:56:22

I just can't comprehend how any relationship works and stays happy when one partner is controlling the money like this. I was SAHM for 10 years - we have joint account, DH has a small savings account for a long term hobby/project he does but money goes into that only when it is available to spare, it is not a family priority. I have always had access to our money and he never ever questions what I spend on myself or the children. We might have a lean month when he says we need to be careful if we have had a lot of expenses, but we trust each other fully.

You need him to see that it is not fair that he has masses more money to spend than you do on fripperies (if that's the word). It is NOT "his" because he earns it! It's for all of your family, including you!

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