To have a partner with bipolar and PTSD

[Whatamessiamin]

Judging by the constant comments made to me it seems I am. I am 34 years old and don't have children as yet, perhaps in the future, perhaps not.

I got together with my partner and saw him for what he is, a funny, good looking, loving and gentle man. We were friends initially and when he moved here he stayed with me and we got together so pretty much lived together from day dot!

He has many emotional problems and is very sensitive, his moods are also very up and down although he is not dangerous, he can get very angry with himself. After a long slog to help him as he couldn't keep a job, I managed to eventually get the support we need, we have healthcare visiting us daily and the doctor comes 3 times a week, he also goes to weekly therapy. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD, he takes medication now for Bipolar and is continuing therapy for PTSD. The doctors and support team have been excellent, his meds have no side effects either and his moods are now very stable and he is looking to start a new career with the help of the healthcare team.

My parents tell me I am wasting my life with this "loser", when I mention it to other people or colleagues they ask why I am with him. I get lots of these reactions. It is extremely upsetting for me, especially with the comments from my parents and friends. I feel like saying just because someone is mentally ill it doesn't mean they can't be loved. I have worked extremely hard to get this support and his parents told me I have saved his life.

Why do people judge others so badly, for what it's worth I also suffer from mental health issues such as depression and anxiety but I have managed it and it's fine now so I feel strong enough to cope with his. I am so sick of being told that I am wasting my life and this "loser" will pull me down. I feel I have so much to give and I have lived such a rich eventful life that I can now give to others and help them and I love him for who he is.

Do you think the same way or would you also think I am wasting my life?

How long have you been together in total? Sorry if you've mentioned it already and I missed it.

I have had long term relationships, infact I had a 10 year relationship with a man completely the opposite to him, when I got depressed or anxious he found it difficult to understand as he never felt depressed. He worked full time and was doing extremely well. We broke up as we became more friends that partners and I felt that I had more I had to do with my life. Since being with my current partner, I have grown so much and become so much stronger and more independent that when I was with my ex. My current partner is the only person I have been with who has mental health issues.

Been together for 2 years now.

Thanks Looking, you gave me alot to think about and to work on in the future!

And he was ill for 22 months of the two years? Is that correct?

I suggest you ignore this talk of flags.

You love him. He's been through distressing events which have made him ill. He's getting well structured support and actively engaging in his recovery.

I'm sorry your friends were so ignorant and judgmental.

Great post Looking

Best wishes to you too.

I do understand why people balk at the idea of committing to a relationship with someone with bipolar/PTSD/personality disorder, because we live our lives based on the world around us; the experiences we have had will of course alter the perception we have upon all sorts of human variables; mental health, social class, educational worth etc etc. For someone who has endured horrific experiences at the hands of a bipolar/PD parent, it's hardly surprising that the reaction would be to avoid getting into a relationship with someone who suffers. Sadly, the same can be said for people who 'assume' the dynamics of a disorder, based on media portrayal (eg. armchair psychology/diagnosis) and the negative emphasis.

However, it is worth knowing that MH conditions are all variables among themselves. There is not one symptom that gets someone diagnosed. I sometimes found this helpful to explain in therapy groups where people felt 'defined' by their diagnoses. When someone is pregnant, they do not endure all the symptoms listed that could be a side effect of carrying a child. The same can be said for mental health; you could have a person with bipolar who does not seek the need to engage in addiction (drugs, alcohol, spending. sex) and the main symptom of their condition is unstable emotions. Some conditions are more severe than others too. For a personality disorder, I think there is at least 9 'symptoms' - not everybody will self harm, for instance.

Education is the key, really; people form a perception of disorders and illnesses (mental and physical) that with a little fine tuning sometimes, can be changed. There are some that will not want to take on a situation like this because it brings back traumatic memories - that is perfectly understandable and probably best for all concerned.

You do what makes you BOTH happy. Living with mental conditions for partners and sufferers are not always easy but they are not always hard either. People do recover and people manage conditions with medication and therapy, just like physical illnesses. You do have to keep your needs in mind too; even though you may be working as 'the carer' sometimes (we all need caring for occasionally, right!) you have a right to an equal relationship. Some people will see your decision as the wrong one and you have to acknowledge it and accept it. There are plenty of people who will be happy for you and support you all. People with MH are still people and are able to provide and support, love and cherish; there is no written rule that says everybody with XYZ will be a difficult partner.

You sound like a wonderful couple. Its very unkind of your family to treat you both this way. I have a friend who gas bp and lives a very normal
life and has dcs.

Just to balance my previous post - I wouldn't blame anybody who ended up leaving someone because of their mental health problems. Particularly not if the sufferer was refusing to seek help or do any work to stay as well as possible. I've lost friends - it happens. It's sad, but it happens.

I am really upset by some of the views on here. I have bipolar and have two lovely well looked after children one of whom has asd and I recently married the most wonderful man but according to some posters those with bipolar shouldn't be bringing up children or deserve to be in a relationship. Would you feel the same way if the OP's partner had diabetes for example?

PtSd results from alot of trauma, as bipolar in some instances (although not all). Does that mean people who have suffered alot should not have a relationship?

My brother has schizophrenia. I'm not going to pretend he isn't a troubled person...not because he is ill, but he has a lot of stuff not related to his illness which would make him hard to live with. But he is trying to do his best at all times, he is actively doing as much as possible to both minimise the effects on other people and to make sure he is stable. He doesn't have children but is a fantastic stepdad and husband, he is funny and caring, he's an amazing uncle to my DC. He is living with a shit illness and has lost friends, a lot of friends. They only see him as his diagnosis. Some are shocked he can have a job ffs.

I am diagnosed with bipolar and several other mental health problems, and actually find it heartbreaking when people say that people like me is not someone you'd want your child to be with, effectively saying we do not deserve love. I have major ups and downs, but recently getting the right medication for it, it's been very stable.
My other half is very supportive and looks after me when I need it, and I look after him. We're equals. I hope that by time when your partner is properly stable, you too can have an equal and happy relationship, that does not revolve around his diagnosis. x

Hi OP, I am in a similar relationship, my husband suffered a complete breakdown about 8 years ago due to PTSD.

We had just been married, and everyone told me that I was too young to deal with it and should leave him, but I didn't and we are still married.

It has not been easy though, and we fell into a nurse and patient type of relationship, rather than husband and wife, and this took almost 4 years to change with the help of a lot of counselling, and still happens at times now.

He will never be totally stable and had 12 jobs in 2 years,so we had constant financial worries as well as day to day ones....not easy.

It does get better though, and I have waited until he has been in a job for 9 months happily now and is finally happy and balanced for the most part, so much so that I feel now we can try for a family

My advice is to not give up if you love him, but to be cautious you don't become his carer.

Happy to chat if you need anymore information, we were lucky that our counselling was provided by the army but there are loads of charities that will help you xx

I have bipolar and have two lovely well looked after children

That's really good to hear and of course it's possible. Personally I made the decision that me having children would be indefensible because bipolar has a genetic element; because pregnancy is a high risk time for bipolar women; and because I myself was raised by a chronically depressed mother and I don't want to take the risk of inflicting that on anyone else.

I don't think either of us can claim to be "right." We've both thought about it carefully and come to our own conclusions.

That previous post made me sound like I believe in eugenics! I don't. I strongly believe in the right to bodily autonomy and of course that includes the right to reproduction. My own experience of living with bipolar disorder has made me feel that the risk of creating a human being with the same condition is not one I want to take.

I think some people still view mental illness as a weakness in a person , almost victim blaming . If your partner had a physical chronic illness like Chrohns would they be saying the same thing or would they be sympathetic ?

It's worth remembering that after both world wars, we had a whole generation of men with PTSD, shell shock and numerous other mental health problems.

I think to write people off so easily without giving them a chance or trying to help is very very unfair.

If your partner had a physical chronic illness like Chrohns would they be saying the same thing or would they be sympathetic?

If diabetes or Crohns caused the sufferer's entire personality to change, usually for the worse, in a very dramatic way, then I would give the same advice.
I'm only coming at this from the POV of someone who's lived with bipolar disorder for a long time. When I'm ill I'm not worth being around: it's as simple as that. When I'm depressed I am monosyllabic at best and aggressive at worst. I have bipolar II so I don't have full blown highs, just hypomania, and it's usually mixed state so I am agitated and inappropriate. My cognitive function is also sometimes quite badly impaired. I just don't think that starting a relationship with someone in that condition makes sense. Being a supportive friend is another matter entirely, of course.

It's worth remembering that after both world wars, we had a whole generation of men with PTSD, shell shock and numerous other mental health problems

Yes - and it's my understanding that a lot of women and children had their lives very badly affected by living with these men. Obviously it was NOT their fault, but the fact remains that bad PTSD can cause changes in your personality that can make you damaging to be around.

Treatment is a lot better now than it was then (apparently, anyway - my PTSD counselling was appallingly poor as far as I'm concerned) and the prognosis is undoubtedly better than it was. But I do think that people have to keep a close eye on their own welfare as well as being compassionate towards the sufferer.

Those who are saying they wouldn't wish that sort of pare t on any one are so off the mark its untrue. How upsetting, rude and patronising and demeaning to those with mh issues. I developed psychosis after my degree recently.I am also a single mum to a 6 year old. It's none of your business how I parent just because of my mental health issues, or how I choose to live my life. I think you are lovely, op, and if you love him and are happy, then yes, stay with him. No one knows how your relationship works, and shouldn't attempt to analyse it, or you. Too much judgement on this post from the offset. By the way, I've got a first class honours and am doing my PhD at an rg uni next year. My dd is loved and cared for, and I do my best by her always. Some people wouldn't even do a degree and single parent if they were well. I think that says a lot more about my determination, that it does my my issues.

Wow so much support here and diversity. Well done Kat and I do agree that determination is key, that's how I managed to get through my depression.

There's alot of controversy about mental health and its not funded enough which is why people are suffering so much. After over a year waiting for the NHS I contacted Mind and they were excellent and saw him the very next day! Not only that but they also allocated me a support worker too. I saw a new GP and they immediately sent a health team and made their diagnosis but it took along time as we lived in a different area where it wasn't taken so seriously.

I wish that other people that I read about on here who aren't able to cope can find somebody who really cares and a good GP is vital. Don't give up as help might only be around the corner.

Well done for the previous posters partners who are supportive.