To have a partner with bipolar and PTSD

[Whatamessiamin]

Judging by the constant comments made to me it seems I am. I am 34 years old and don't have children as yet, perhaps in the future, perhaps not.

I got together with my partner and saw him for what he is, a funny, good looking, loving and gentle man. We were friends initially and when he moved here he stayed with me and we got together so pretty much lived together from day dot!

He has many emotional problems and is very sensitive, his moods are also very up and down although he is not dangerous, he can get very angry with himself. After a long slog to help him as he couldn't keep a job, I managed to eventually get the support we need, we have healthcare visiting us daily and the doctor comes 3 times a week, he also goes to weekly therapy. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD, he takes medication now for Bipolar and is continuing therapy for PTSD. The doctors and support team have been excellent, his meds have no side effects either and his moods are now very stable and he is looking to start a new career with the help of the healthcare team.

My parents tell me I am wasting my life with this "loser", when I mention it to other people or colleagues they ask why I am with him. I get lots of these reactions. It is extremely upsetting for me, especially with the comments from my parents and friends. I feel like saying just because someone is mentally ill it doesn't mean they can't be loved. I have worked extremely hard to get this support and his parents told me I have saved his life.

Why do people judge others so badly, for what it's worth I also suffer from mental health issues such as depression and anxiety but I have managed it and it's fine now so I feel strong enough to cope with his. I am so sick of being told that I am wasting my life and this "loser" will pull me down. I feel I have so much to give and I have lived such a rich eventful life that I can now give to others and help them and I love him for who he is.

Do you think the same way or would you also think I am wasting my life?

[CustardFromATin]

Of course YANBU to love someone who is bipolar (or diabetic, or left handed).

YABVU to think it's a healthy relationship for the long term when he thanks you every day and where you could never leave due to all the hard work you've put in.

[aprilanne]

bloody hell there are a lot of negative comments here .my hubby was recently diagnosed bipolar.he worked in the same job for 30 year also had various part time jobs to supplement when kids were younger .he is a kind loving loyal husband and a good father .have a wasted my life of course not ..ok he does,nt know one end of a domestic appliance from the other but hey no.ones perfect .

[tumbletumble]

My cousin has bipolar. His wife was aware of this when they got together - he was honest about his diagnosis - but I think she underestimated how much of a burden it would be for her, especially after they had DCs.

They have two DDs age 4 and 6. She has gone back to work but it has been difficult, because her job has irregular hours and when my cousin is having a severe episode it's not safe for him to be left with their DDs, so she can't assume that he will be able to pick up any of the childcare responsibilities. She hasn't got any family support of her own (her mum is dead and her dad and brother live abroad), and my cousin's family are supportive but, when push comes to shove, they are on his side not hers. I would like to help but don't live close enough to be much use. My cousin has lost several jobs and been hospitalised several times as a result of his illness.

A couple of posters have mentioned compassion. I feel compassion for my lovely cousin who did not ask for this illness, but I also feel lots of compassion for his wife. Bringing up two young children is hard enough in normal circumstances, and this just makes it far harder.

He hasn't had a serious episode for a while now (approx 18 months). As far as I know things are good between them.

[littlemslazybones]

That's not to say I think it is like this for everyone, my Mum was undiagnosed when I was a child and I think it would be a different path for all of us had we had the right support at the time.

[MaitlandGirl]

My DP has type 2 Bipolar and Schitzoaffective Disorder and we've been lucky as the bipolar tends towards hyper mania rather than depression.

The reality is that we'll never have much spare cash, DP can't work and is on long term disability and I'm on a carers payment, our social life is completely shot to pieces, our friends have drifted away and DPs family seem to think it's all a big joke but we're happy.

Yes, there are times when I'd love some peace and quiet (DP gets restless and 'hovers' over me all the time at home) and I'd love to be able to own my own house one day rather than renting, but we fit so well together and love each other with everything that we have so we make the best of the life we've got.

Living with a partner with MH issues is hard, especially when you've got children (I had 3 when we got together) but if it's the right relationship with the right partner you'll make it work.

DP has been pretty stable for the past 5.5 years, albeit in a state of hypermania after a complete nervous breakdown, and yes it's tiring (the lack of sleep is a real killer) and I'd love to be able to go shopping without worrying about DP wandering off having been distracted by shiny things but I can honestly say neither of us wants out of this relationship and anyone who can't support us can just leave us alone.

My youngest (DD of 14) has symptoms of hypermania and I just hope she finds a loving and supportive partner when she's older who can look beyond any diagnosis and realise that she's a wonderful person who just happens to have MH issues (assuming that's the way things develop for her).

[iMacHunt]

YANBU OP in regards to the title question.

It's sad that your family and friends have reacted this way. I have experienced none of this. They are all happy for me and that I am happy.

I have been with my bf for coming up to two years. He is extremely funny, witty, intelligent, caring and has a brilliant taste in music. We share common values and outlooks (albeit he is a tad more pessimistic than me ) We fit. I am so glad I have him in my life.

He happens to have (drug resistant) Bipolar 2.

But he has always been open about it since the start (it was on his OD profile but it was his zombie apocalypse knowledge that caught my attention). He has answered any questions I have had. And I have (and continue to) read as much as I can about Bipolar and other people's experiences of it.

I have not 'fallen into a carer role' with him. He manages it himself. We are equals. But he knows that I am here if and when he does need me. When he has had his 'dark days' since being together he has opened up and let me know how he is feeling and other times he just isn't able to which I am respectful of. I am fully aware that there may well be very bumpy times ahead, or there may not, but I am as confident as I can be that we will work through it. He is far too awesome to give up on.

So OP. If you make each other happy and you believe that the relationship can work (and that goes with any relationship) then just you carry on.

[TalcumPowder]

Of course you're not 'unreasonable' to stay with a bipolar partner whom you love. What rings alarm bells for me in your posts is that you seem to be a chronic 'rescuer', and I don't think it's a healthy dynamic for a longterm relationship/marriage to have such rigid roles, and because you essentially cohabited from the beginning, it doesn't sound as if there was ever another basis for the relationship, other than him being a human train wreck and you being a helper. Your OP (and a few subsequent comments) is all about how much 'work' you have done for him, how you have 'fought' to get him treated, and how you've put so much effort into the relationship you aren't willing to give it up.

Don't think I'm being cynical about your obvious love for and commitment to your partner, but I wonder what else is going on here? Why do you always choose rescuer roles? What need does this fulfil in you? Is it possible that your parents and friends (that all of them are concerned seems quite dramatic) aren't in fact being prejudiced against someone with serious mental health problems, but are seeing something you aren't? What if your partner makes a complete recovery and no longer needs you fighting his corner - will the relationship survive him having robust mental health?

You've mentioned several times that you 'see him for what he is', but what he is surely also includes his serious MH issues (am assuming they are serious to get daily health worker visits, therapy and doctor visits three times a week, as well as drugs) and your 'white knight' syndrome...?

[Tikimon]

I certainly wouldn't leave him after all the hard work I've put in!

I don't see him as an illness. I see him as my pattner

Those two sentences are a bit contradictory. You've put so much energy into being a carer for him and getting him through a crisis, that it's sort of become your identity.

What happens when he's better and he no longer needs a carer? Both your roles are going to drastically change and you need to be prepared to deal with that change.

I'm not saying leave him by any means. Follow your heart and all that.

I'm saying you might want to reflect what it is you're getting out of this relationship. If the only thing you're doing is saving him and working on getting him better, what happens when he's better and you no longer need to do that. Then what?

Excuse the nerdy example. But if crime suddenly stopped and there was no longer a need, would Batman be able to stop being Batman? You need to ask yourself that.

[Tikimon]

ilovechristmas1
so let's get this right for the posters who would not want their DC's to have a relationship with somebody who has Bipolar do they have a problem with other disabilities eg

Adhd
Aspergers
dyslexia
blindness
speech impediment

and many more,id would be interested to know

------

Those aren't even in the same camp as bipolar or PTSD. It's like comparing an addiction to cigs to an addiction to heroine. Completely different ball game.

You will never be hospitalized for letting your aspergers, adhd, or dyslexia fester and get out of control. Yes, they can cause severe difficulties the more severe it is on the spectrum. There is a huge difference between neuro disorders and mood disorders in how they affect how you interact with people and the world around you.

Having adhd and an anxiety disorder, I can promise my anxiety disorder has caused far more issues.

But that said, if someone was letting their ADHD wreak havoc without getting treatment or putting organizational efforts in place, I wouldn't want DD to date them either. I would want someone to have their life under control and their feet on the ground before bringing another person into it.

And.. speech and blindness are physical disorders, and do not affect how emotionally intelligence/clueless you are.

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

My Dad has Bipolar and PTSD. I'm pretty happy my mum stuck with him or I wouldn't be here and I've turned out ok :)

There is so much dependence on what the media claims people with mental health issues are like, when really those are such extreme examples.

[lildupin]

Interesting that you guys are getting on so well with quetiapine. I have a box of them (25mg) next to my bed but I'm too scared to take them because I've had such awful experiences with antipsychotics in the past. Maybe I should set aside next weekend to experiment with it!

[itsbetterthanabox]

I don't think you are wasting your life. If you truly love someone you work through the difficulties. As long as he is there for you too and is trying to make life happier for you both I think it's fantastic you are sticking by him. If he makes you happy even though there are some shit times then it is worth it!

[ilovechristmas1]

im on quetiapine,was a life saver for me

really intresting to hear about other's experiences with Bipolar

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Good My mum was on lithium for the last 4 years (since she was diagnosed, at the age of 65) but she is now on seroquel (quetiapine) and doing very well indeed. I'm on that plus sodium valproate, tested every 6 months.

Hope things continue to get more stable for you!

[lildupin]

No, you're right to stress the importance of it! I have been really lax about it in the past so a reminder of the potential consequences is good.

I was on lithium for years but I stopped taking it ages ago because I wanted to see if I could maintain mood stability by managing my lifestyle, and I was successful for a long time. But lately things have gone badly wrong and last time I saw my psychiatrist I was pretty crazy, so we agreed I'd go straight back onto 800mg/day, which was my dose previously and which kept my serum levels in the therapeutic range. But I know that I need to get tested and I'm going to make an appointment for Thursday, definitely.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Sorry, that sounds really preachy. Of course you know it's important !

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Lildupin please do not put that off! My mum ended up in hospital at the beginning of July with a suspected stroke (!!!!!) but it ended up being acute lithium poisoning from her bipolar meds. She almost lost her kidney function and everything. This was all due to a severe fuck up by the chemist, but really highlights the importance of all of us keeping on top of our medication.

I was only diagnosed at the age of 38 - my story is astonishingly similar to Looking's - right down to the list! Mine takes the form of a sort of contract or agreemenet about what happens if I start to go off the rails again. Indicators for me are not sleeping, spending a lot of money and planning parties. Lots of parties

[lildupin]

Ahahaha!!

[ilovechristmas1]

dont forget your mood diary

[lildupin]

Mine's going to be pissed off with me, I was supposed to get my lithium levels done two weeks ago and I've not done it yet...

[ilovechristmas1]

ha ha you have just reminded me ive my psychiatrist this week

[lildupin]

That idea of a list is really interesting, Looking. Ordinarily I could reel off a list of my early warning signs without thinking about it but I can't think of a single one right now - I feel really muddled when I try and think about it - so maybe I'm not as fully recovered from my recent brief episode as I thought I was
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week so I'll talk to him about it then.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

I think we've all done this!

Oh yes!

I don't know whether this would be helpful for anyone here, but it was a tip my mum gave me. On the fridge, along with the numbers and the details of the medication in case DH has to call an ambulance for any reason, we have a list of my early warning signs for a 'blip'.

Mine includes such things as 'hypochondria' and 'wanting to come off my medication' and 'an unshakable belief that I only have one leg...'

Some of these things are things that only I know, but the list is there for us to both take note of when I say things that might be 'ordinary' but also, to a trained eye, might be a bit of a sign.