To have a partner with bipolar and PTSD

[Whatamessiamin]

Judging by the constant comments made to me it seems I am. I am 34 years old and don't have children as yet, perhaps in the future, perhaps not.

I got together with my partner and saw him for what he is, a funny, good looking, loving and gentle man. We were friends initially and when he moved here he stayed with me and we got together so pretty much lived together from day dot!

He has many emotional problems and is very sensitive, his moods are also very up and down although he is not dangerous, he can get very angry with himself. After a long slog to help him as he couldn't keep a job, I managed to eventually get the support we need, we have healthcare visiting us daily and the doctor comes 3 times a week, he also goes to weekly therapy. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD, he takes medication now for Bipolar and is continuing therapy for PTSD. The doctors and support team have been excellent, his meds have no side effects either and his moods are now very stable and he is looking to start a new career with the help of the healthcare team.

My parents tell me I am wasting my life with this "loser", when I mention it to other people or colleagues they ask why I am with him. I get lots of these reactions. It is extremely upsetting for me, especially with the comments from my parents and friends. I feel like saying just because someone is mentally ill it doesn't mean they can't be loved. I have worked extremely hard to get this support and his parents told me I have saved his life.

Why do people judge others so badly, for what it's worth I also suffer from mental health issues such as depression and anxiety but I have managed it and it's fine now so I feel strong enough to cope with his. I am so sick of being told that I am wasting my life and this "loser" will pull me down. I feel I have so much to give and I have lived such a rich eventful life that I can now give to others and help them and I love him for who he is.

Do you think the same way or would you also think I am wasting my life?

[Katkins1]

Good that you got support. I think it depends on the person, but there does still seem to be a lot of judgement on this thread, especially with regard to dds. No one would say that with any other illness, so I think that it's very very judgmental and uncalled for.

[lildupin]

Those who are saying they wouldn't wish that sort of pare t on any one are so off the mark its untrue

Those saying it, as far as I can see, are those who were raised by parents with mental illnesses. I was one of them: my mother had severe depression throughout my childhood and it was extremely damaging to me and all of my siblings. We are well within our rights to talk about our own experiences.

[MumBoots]

If he is committed to treatment for his bipolar disorder, there is no reason why you cant have a happy relationship and life. But you have to go in with your eyes wide open.

Have you seen him at his worst? Not just in depression, but also his mania? You just need to be very sure that you know what it means to be with someone who has this illness. It can force the other partner (you) int a carer role at some points. And its a lifelong condition. There will be ups and downs.

I am bipolar, by the way. Been happily married for years. We have been through some very rocky times, though, off the back of my illness.

[whois]

Well it's not something I could do. I wouldn't want that kind of a relationship for my friends either.

To be honest I might also think you were the kind of person that needed to 'look after' or 'rescue' someone else.

But on the other hand as long as you are also getting something out of the relationship and things are good between you then who am I to judge.

It is reassuring that he accepts he has problems and is getting help.

I would worry that of you had children together things would get a lot harder.

[MrsWinnibago]

I have direct experience of living with someone with mental health issues and addiction. Bipolar and alcoholism in addition to a heroin habit. It was bloody awful.

That's why I said that I would not want my DDs to be in a relationship with someone who had mh issues.

[Tikimon]

My mother had PTSD growing up with her was a nightmare. No I would not want my daughter dating someone with mental health issues unless they were being managed and they were under control before they met her.

The problem I see with this relationship is that you see him as "PTSD and bipolar who happens to be my partner", not "my partner who just happens to have PTSD and bipolar". You went in with the intent to save him. Not this is DP who likes x, y, z, look how compatible we are. If he was mentally ill, then it's been a one sided relationship on your end.

What's going to happen when he's better? If the only thing tying you was his mental illness, will you still be compatible once the gratitude has worn off. Sometimes when people are sick they gravitate towards a certain type of person, when they're healthy they don't need those type of people anymore. When people are unhappy, they find people to commiserate with, but when they feel better and are happy again, they don't really want to be around them anymore.

The point is, the type of people a person needs when they're sick and when they're happy don't always line up. It's better to date a person that's mentally healthy (or has their mh under control) than it is to date a sick person who can't take care of themselves.

Anyway, I'd want my daughter to date someone that had their life sorted so she could be a healthy part of it, not someone they depended on.

[NotEvenAMumYet]

It's your life but I know somebody who is the daughter of man with similar issues to your DP and it isn't great for her, even with a great mother she had a very unstable childhood and ha had to go through counselling herself due to the emotional upset seeing her father at his 'lows' has caused. She is forever wishing she had a dependable father. It is your life though.

[Whatamessiamin]

I didn't know he was ill when we got together as he wasn't going through an episode, it was only further in to the relationship that his episodes were significant and he didn't know he had bipola either, he thought it was just PTSD. I have fought tooth and nail for him and it would only make me happy seeing him well. Already he is saying how much better he feels on the meds. I certainly wouldn't leave him after all the hard work I've put in!

[Whatamessiamin]

I don't see him as an illness. I see him as my pattner, the problem is everyone else only sees his illness and thats the point of my OP as it upsets me greatly. He isnt a violent type he is exceptionally sensitive. When he is on his highs he is actually really funny and we have loads of fun. He doesn't touch alcohol or drugs at all.

[lildupin]

How many cycles has he been through in the past 22 months?

[lildupin]

I certainly wouldn't leave him after all the hard work I've put in!

Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy?

[ilovechristmas1]

i'm shocked by the people saying they would be worried if their DC was in a relationship with somebody with Bipolar/mental health problem

is it ok to say you would be worried if your DC was in a relationship with somebody that has Autisum etc

[Whatamessiamin]

I can't say how many cycles as it's alot. He gas the bipolar which has short cycles and longer normal periods.

[Whatamessiamin]

I think it might be type 2 but not certain

[angeltulips]

Having dated someone in the last who had a bipolar episode a couple of months after we started dating, I do think it's odd that you stuck around - my experience was that I would have had to really compromise my own personal boundaries and tolerance of what was acceptable behaviour in a relationship, and in a new relationship it simply wasn't worth doing that

Now that you have, though - fine. Good on you. Am curious as to why you have lost all your friends though? I can't imagine why.

[ilovechristmas1]

some of the opinions on this thread are exactly why i tell very few people i have Bipolar total ignorance

And they say mental Health awareness id getting better,not on MN it would seem

[Whatamessiamin]

I lost my friends because I struggled in the beginning financially and couldn't go out as much. They were friends with me when I was with my ex who was successful and confident and when I started my new relationship they said they didnt want to be burdened!! :-(

[lildupin]

some of the opinions on this thread are exactly why i tell very few people i have Bipolar total ignorance

I am not ignorant of the realities of bipolar disorder. I have it myself.

[mumtosome61]

Those saying it, as far as I can see, are those who were raised by parents with mental illnesses. I was one of them: my mother had severe depression throughout my childhood and it was extremely damaging to me and all of my siblings. We are well within our rights to talk about our own experiences.

This was what I meant in my post up thread. I think it's perfectly understandable why people would be reluctant to get involved with someone if the other person had a condition that mimicked something that clearly had a traumatic effect on you. I'm sure you are aware that different people experience MH diagnoses in different ways, but I suspect that despite this, there would always be that fear. Is it right? It's right for you, and that is all that matters. It certainly isn't wrong. Personally, I wouldn't relish going out with an emotionally backward man based on my experience with my father and because I am a person of strong emotions - it would clash.

As I said, a MH diagnosis is rarely the same for each person. There are similarities and there are severity but everyone suffers in a different way. To flat out say "I'd never go out with someone who had XXX" is probably a bit unfortunate purely from the point of view that with understanding and awareness, that person may achieve the kind of life they've hoped for.. I have never hidden what I have suffered from because as far as I'm concerned, it's withholding something that is clearly (as this thread demonstrates) a deal breaker for some. I've been let down, stood up, ignored and laughed at during the course of my life for having MH issues, but to me I find it more laughable and pitying that other people wish to view MH conditions so negatively, considering that 1 in 4 will suffer from some kind of issue in their lifetime.

It's the age old "tar everyone with the same brush" analogy - or word association. Bipolar = crazy, anxious = passive. It's bullshit - nobody experiences life identical to another, and the same goes for illnesses. If someone wants to consider me a liability because I've had a MH condition for the past 20 years, then more fool them - just because I don't always deal with MY emotions as neatly or concisely as what is perceived to be normal, doesn't mean I'm suddenly capable of harming anyone, quite the contrary. I know that what I have experienced has allowed me to be a more objective and considerate person to everyone, including myself

[TonyThePony]

Of course you're not BU. As if people with mental health problems should just expect to be alone forever! Or should just be paired up with other people with MH problems because they're in some way not worthy of 'normal' people.

Everybody deserves love, everybody has their own issues. Nobody would ever say 'you shouldn't be with that person with cancer because it's an awful lot of work for you' Bipolar is an illness, and it sounds as though it is stabilising with the meds which is obviously great!

As long as you love him for him and not because it feels nice to be the 'fixer' and rescuer, then there's no reason you shouldn't be together.

Just ignore the people that criticise and judge and hope that they never need compassion.

[chcb]

OP, I rarely post on here but this struck a chord.

My husband has bipolar disorder. I knew this when we met. And I also have bipolar disorder, and he knew this too. We fell in love knowing there would be times when things could be very difficult. We talked about it and made plans.

For all of 2013, DH was incredibly depressed. I had to pick up the pieces: I worked fulltime (flexibly, fortunately), I coordinated childcare, I did all the housework, I ran our lives. I fought as hard as I could to get help for him because he kept slipping through the net of mental health services (don't even START me on that...RARGHH). He's just getting better now but his health is fragile. I love him, and I coped - but it was hard and very, very lonely and affected my own health. I don't know how strong I could've been if I didn't have experience of that illness myself.

Another thing: the bleak depression was so frustrating and difficult to handle - the constant battling of every negative word he uttered - but manic episodes are so much scarier and both he and I know that the heavy drugs are to be immediately deployed when our moods go dangerously high.

OP, if your relationship is equal and you will both give and take then the rocky times will even out. But if you are putting yourself in the role of rescuer and martyr then that explains why people might be concerned: not because they see him as a threat, but that they see you in danger of damaging your own health.

I know there is stigma; I've experienced it. I've had friends back away, I've been judged by those who know me, by colleagues, by medical professionals. I am fortunate to be stable, I keep taking the meds, and I talk about my experiences openly in the hope that I can change entrenched, unwelcome views of mental illness.

It's very likely that our wonderful daughter will inherit our condition. I hope that when she grows up she finds someone who will love her and will will not judge her. I hope that her world is more accepting than ours has been.

[ilovechristmas1]

so let's get this right for the posters who would not want their DC's to have a relationship with somebody who has Bipolar do they have a problem with other disabilities eg

Adhd
Aspergers
dyslexia
blindness
speech impediment

and many more,id would be interested to know

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I am so sorry for those on this thread who have had such awful experiences with parents or others with MH issues (lildupin and others).

However, I think it is important not to generalise...... Not everyone with a mental health problem is going to be a terrible parent or partner, just as the opposite is also true. I am bipolar and DH has / had PTSD and our DDs are beautifully unaffected by it. It obviously helps that I take managing my illness very seriously, and have been lovely and stable for almost 5 years now. Long may it continue.

[lildupin]

Not everyone with a mental health problem is going to be a terrible parent or partner, just as the opposite is also true

Of course not - not at all. My bipolar disorder is also very well managed, my psychiatrist is amazing and after a few years adapting to my diagnosis I now know a fair amount about what triggers my mood instability.

But just as it's important not to generalise, it's also important not to get so caught up in "giving everyone a chance" that you ignore the very real possibility that someone with a history of serious mental illness might relapse in the future; and that it might have a very serious affect on your own mental health (and that of any children you might have). I think it's hard when you're first in love with someone to make yourself think clearly and honestly about the actual reality of living with someone who is having a mental health crisis, but it is important to be realistic because actually love doesn't conquer all.

Being compassionate is very important, but sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of supporting someone else is IMO not a good idea. You absolutely have to have boundaries in place. OP has already said that she will never leave her DP because she's put in so much hard work. It's her life and she can do whatever she wants, but my heart sank when I read that.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

Being compassionate is very important, but sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of supporting someone else is IMO not a good idea. You absolutely have to have boundaries in place.

I totally agree with this.

Also, I would advise any child of mine to leave an abusive partner whether they were abusive because they had a mental illness or just abusive because they were a cunt.

My difficulty is when people start assuming that people will be abusive because they have a mental illness.

For what it's worth, I was not diagnosed bipolar until after my children were born. I have no choice but to raise them the best way I'm able. I had a bad depressive spell from when I was 20-22, but that was followed by 6 years of very good mental health. I sailed through pregnancy with my first child, and wasn't ill again until I was already pregnant with my second, and then I still didn't have signs of bipolar. The traumatic thing happened when my second born was just under 1, and that stirred up a whole heap of trauma from my youth.

Even then, I carried on being 'just very depressed' for a long while, several years, and then suddenly, about 18 months ago, that 'just very depressed' turned into something else and I was in danger. I was still treated for unipolar depression until my psychiatrist put me on a specific pill that's counter-indicated for bipolar, and it made me flippin' mental. At that point we started looking at things that were 'just Looking's character' and started seeing them as possible bipolar symptoms that I've just been living with.

Since that conversation, I've been put on medication of a different sort, and the change is incredible! Yes, I've had to change the way I live quite considerably, but in general things are much better now.

The reason I'm telling this story is that diagnoses are sometimes scary, and a word like 'bipolar' makes you think all sorts of things. But I'm safer and better having been diagnosed with bipolar and being treated accordingly than I ever was when I was diagnosed as Depressed.

Having said all of that, I have made the decision that I will not have any more children post diagnosis. It would be dangerous for me to come of my medication and unfair to continue to medicate while carrying/breastfeeding. It would be unfair to the two children I've already got to try and divide up my resources any more. That's a decision that I've made for me and I don't presume anyone else should make the same decision.