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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to pay for someone's meal on my birthday

138 replies

mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 00:37

I will begin with saying I am a bit precious about my birthday even though that's a bit frowned upon here. I also go out of my way for my friends on theirs.

ok so a friend of mine has had a birthday a few weeks ago. there was two nights out and a meal. I went to one of the nights out. next month we will also be going away for the weekend to celebrate the birthday again which was quite expensive.

it will be my birthday this week and another friend who missed the nights out a few weeks back wanted to go out for a meal to celebrate the birthday again. the night she organised Will be my birthday. it didn't initially bother me I saw the funny side of it and said I would go. there will be four of us.

I then get an email saying I know it's your birthday but really it's the other friends night so we will split the cost of the table by three. it again wouldn't have bothered me much if it were a set meal but I eat very lightly usually a salad and I don't drink. they usually get three course meals and bottles of wine and cocktails. I have no idea how much all of this is supposed to cost and I'm trying to have a night out for my own birthday and I really can't afford it. the favour won't be returned for my birthday im only having a few drinks at mine which supply and a night out in town which I pay my own way for.

the other two going have already celebrated this friends birthday and will be going on the weekend away so I feel if the friend who missed it wanted to treat her she should pay for her meal herself and not drag us into it.

I'm not going to bring up the cost or anything as that would be awkward would I be unreasonable to say I can't get a babysitter and back out?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 18/08/2014 22:29

Go and have fun. Just enjoy friend b stewing throughout the meal and then come back and tell us about it.

So, when is your birthday, OP?

Original poster

mommy2ash · 18/08/2014 22:30

thankfully friend b is way past 30.

I have no issue with them paying for the other girl and not me I just wanted to pay for my own which I now can thankfully. it's a shame there had to be so much drama to get back to the original plan. the movie night I planned with my dd when it all went wrong still sounds really appealing though.

OP posts:

Dubjackeen · 18/08/2014 22:35

I would have given her a really baffled look when she suggested i went on another meal for birthday friend and asked her if she'd taken a knock to the head.
I see the thread has moved on, but I'm stealing this line for future use

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/08/2014 22:38

It's odd though, OP. I don't understand this:

a) Multiple birthday friend. Presumably she knows that she's only really got one birthday so should be celebrating it with her friends only ONCE.

b) Friend C - going along with friend B's plans as is friend A. How does friend B have the power to dictate what was happening and who the hell was she to uninvited you?

c) Why haven't Friend A and Friend C made provisions for your birthday? Why aren't they paying for YOUR meal out?

.
There's something very fishy about all of this. Considering that birthdays are so important to this group of friends, why are they not planning yours?

Original poster

mommy2ash · 18/08/2014 23:02

friend a planned her nights out when it was actually her birthday.

the meal on my birthday has been planned by friend b and us three invited by her.

the weekend away was planned by other friends of friend a so none of this is any of her doing at all.

once I had told our other friend what was going on she said no we are treating her you pay for yours this has all been a mix up. friend b has form for this kind of behaviour.

so the other two girls are very lovely and easy to get on with its friend b that is the problem.

I don't do meals out for my birthday. I have a diverse group of friends and I would be putting pressure on some of them financially if I did. I know they would still make the effort to come but I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing the would probably struggle the following week. I invite my friends to my house and provide food and drinks for them and after we head to a late night bar those who can afford it can drink the night away those who can't can just dance the night away with me as I don't drink. I enjoy it I feel it's win win for everyone.

OP posts:

slithytove · 19/08/2014 08:27

Still feels like now they know that they are celebrating friend a on YOUR birthday, they should treat you too. Very peculiar.

I'd stick with your plans with dd personally.

eddielizzard · 19/08/2014 08:38

i still wouldn't go.

weird friend b will be there and the atmosphere will be awful. plus it will actually be YOUR birthday yet you're there to celebrate someone else's? very strange. they really should be treating you too, especially as you don't drink and you'll just have a salad!

i would have a nice evening at home with your dd.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/08/2014 08:43

I wouldn't go. Really, I'd reply with 'how about everyone pay for their own meals from now on, this is ridiculous and makes the dynamic all weird'.

IDontDoIroning · 19/08/2014 08:50

Yes it is a bit odd what are they saying "- come out with us it's your birthday but we are paying for one friend as it was her birthday some time ago and she's had a birthday night out etc but hey you don't mind do you ? Oh and even though it's your birthday but we are treating someone else we have got you a token gift because that's all you're worth even though we are paying for the other friends meal". Why is she such a good friend they will pay for her meal but not such a good friend of yours so they won't. Fine if that's what they want to do but to do it on your birthday is a bit mean.

Tbh I wouldn't go

expatinscotland · 19/08/2014 08:55

FGS. A flow chart is needed to follow all this. All these nights out and weekends away for a birthday?!

I'd go along, pay for mine and next time just stick to giving mates a small gift and card on their day.

Only1scoop · 19/08/2014 09:34

Tedium of the highest order

LEMmingaround · 19/08/2014 09:39

So let me get this straight? Its YOUR birthday. The other person already had birthday celebration but they want you to pay towards her meal?

With friends like that..........

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2014 09:47

I've read all of this.

They should be paying for your food as well.

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2014 09:48

And face it. Since you eat cheaply It shouldn't be a burden.

Chiana · 19/08/2014 10:08

I still wouldn't go. "Friend" B will likely create a tense atmosphere because she didn't get her way and it will be stressful, which you don't need on your special day. Just make a gracious excuse (no child care is always plausible) and have a quiet night in with your DC, a takeaway, and a good DVD. And gradually start to distance yourself from Friend B. She sounds like a stroppy cow with no respect or consideration for you. You can do better.

ChasedByBees · 19/08/2014 10:11

I wouldn't go. It would be a weird atmosphere and why should you celebrate someone else's birthday on your birthday when you've already celebrated theirs?

CrapBag · 19/08/2014 10:40

Wow!

I actually wouldn't go after this. There was no mistake. 'Friend' b knew exactly what she was saying, the backtrack has been purely down to your nice friend. I bet she will be a cow on the night itself.

I agree with others, they should also be paying for your meal as well as that day is your ACTUAL birthday. You have celebrated birthday friends day enough. You are well within your rights to say no to this.

Also make sure 'friend' b doesn't turn up to your house! I wouldn't bet on it that she won't come.

rollonthesummer · 19/08/2014 11:06

So, have you agreed to go or agreed not to go?

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 19/08/2014 13:09

Still seems weird that the other "nicer" friends, seem to think it is ok, to pay for her meal as a birthday treat, even though she has already celebrated her birthday, regardless of the fact they attended that or not, yet expect you, on your actual birthday to attend and pay for your own meal.

None of them sound too great tbh.

jaynebxl · 19/08/2014 14:25

I think I would find someone else to do something nice with on my actual birthday.

jaynebxl · 19/08/2014 14:25

Then just say sorry can't come, will be out for my birthday.

quietbatperson · 20/08/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inmyshoos · 20/08/2014 17:45

Friend B if you can call her a friend sounds like a right cow. Id let everyone know what a cow she has been.
You sound lovely op. Dont let it spoil your birthday

Original poster

mommy2ash · 20/08/2014 18:46

I'm not going im having a movie night with my dd instead

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 20/08/2014 18:54

good choice. and the reaction?

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