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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for someone's meal on my birthday

138 replies

mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 00:37

I will begin with saying I am a bit precious about my birthday even though that's a bit frowned upon here. I also go out of my way for my friends on theirs.

ok so a friend of mine has had a birthday a few weeks ago. there was two nights out and a meal. I went to one of the nights out. next month we will also be going away for the weekend to celebrate the birthday again which was quite expensive.

it will be my birthday this week and another friend who missed the nights out a few weeks back wanted to go out for a meal to celebrate the birthday again. the night she organised Will be my birthday. it didn't initially bother me I saw the funny side of it and said I would go. there will be four of us.

I then get an email saying I know it's your birthday but really it's the other friends night so we will split the cost of the table by three. it again wouldn't have bothered me much if it were a set meal but I eat very lightly usually a salad and I don't drink. they usually get three course meals and bottles of wine and cocktails. I have no idea how much all of this is supposed to cost and I'm trying to have a night out for my own birthday and I really can't afford it. the favour won't be returned for my birthday im only having a few drinks at mine which supply and a night out in town which I pay my own way for.

the other two going have already celebrated this friends birthday and will be going on the weekend away so I feel if the friend who missed it wanted to treat her she should pay for her meal herself and not drag us into it.

I'm not going to bring up the cost or anything as that would be awkward would I be unreasonable to say I can't get a babysitter and back out?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/08/2014 07:34

What a ridiculous idea! So they have already had a birthday do, but want another one, on your birthday? And you have to pay for and make a fuss of other friend, despite it being your birthday, and not hers? Have you pointed this out to other friends yet?

angelos02 · 17/08/2014 08:14

Are you old enough to be on mumsnet? Sounds like a bunch of 12 year olds.

jaynebxl · 17/08/2014 08:23

Angelos I guess that was one of those constructive, non - judgemental comments that makes MN such a warm place

piratecat · 17/08/2014 08:23

this is about the age where friendships get tested imo.

as you have already been out and celebrated the persons birthday and it is actually your own birthday you should make other plans.

on your birthday. not attend birthday mark 5.

the friends if they really were should have put yours first.

most strange

Original poster
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 10:28

I normally am very very blunt and would just address the situation head on but I also don't want to put a dampner on their night out. I know if I said it to the other two girls they would say just pay for your own but the one who wants us all to pay would make a big thing of it so it's just easier all round to just make up an excuse.

yes we are all a lot older than twelve. birthday parties were a lot less complicated at that age lol

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 17/08/2014 10:30

Just tell them how you feel. If they're friends this surely wouldn't be a problem.

rollonthesummer · 17/08/2014 10:34

I'm confused whose birthday it was, who missed the birthday, who is telling you to pay and who would think you shouldn't have to pay?!!

Can you give them names for me?!!

KnackeredMuchly · 17/08/2014 10:34

It's not some sort of 'hilarious' con where they will actually make a big fuss of your birthday instead?!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 10:37

Just make an excuse, it's only for the night, this is not happening all the time. If it were then you could have a chat with the friend.

YouTheCat · 17/08/2014 10:39

They don't sound very nice. Surely they should be making it a joint celebration at the least?

Anyone who needs to celebrate their birthday multiple times is an arse.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 10:39

sorry rollon

it was friend a's birthday a few weeks ago

friend b missed it but wanted four of us to have a meal

it will be my birthday the night of this meal

friend b emailed to say she knows it's my birthday but it's friend A's night so her me and the other friend will split the table bill in three to treat friend a.

OP posts:
pudcat · 17/08/2014 10:44

Just tell her you can't afford it. If B wants to treat A let her do so on her own and the you and the other person pay for your own.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/08/2014 10:44

But it's not friend A's night - it's your birthday...why not just all pay for your own bloody meals and stop this nonsense!

Original poster
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 10:47

that's what I originally thought was happening. it seems fair to pay dog your own. I actually dislike when people suggest to split bills as my bill always would have been cheaper on its own so I laugh it off and say yeah right nice one and put in my share of the bill and let them divide up whatever way they want.

OP posts:
Frikadellen · 17/08/2014 10:50

I would actually respond " really you want me to pretend it is not my birthday to celebrate a birthday I have already celebrated?"

Likely more polite to go with what the poster above suggested
" you have done the other girl's birthday already but if she wants to treat her herself that's fine."

Tinkerball · 17/08/2014 10:51

Stop being so wimpish and just talk to your friends! They can't really be true friends if you can't do that.

rollonthesummer · 17/08/2014 10:56

Right-am with you now! I agree with this...

I would actually respond " really you want me to pretend it is not my birthday to celebrate a birthday I have already celebrated?"

Did people treat the birthday girl for any other of her many birthday nights out as well?

Purplepoodle · 17/08/2014 10:56

Just say money tight, would it be ok if I just paid for my own meal.

Stealthpolarbear · 17/08/2014 11:08

Have you had your thirtieth?

Original poster
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 11:09

people bought her drinks for her birthday her husband would have paid for her meal and we all chipped in to pay for her weekend away so she doesn't have to pay for that.

I agree I am being a total wimp about this. I really need to grow a bit of a back bone and say something. maybe I should email friend b back and say it's lovely she wants to treat friend a as she missed the night out but I didn't and I would prefer to pay for my own meal

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 17/08/2014 11:09

If the organizer will make a song and dance about it, that's all the more reason to be honest and stop her plans. To go along with her idea just to avoid a fuss is enabling her.

Just say "I'm only going to be having a salad and a soft drink, so I'll be paying for my own." Let her make all the fuss she likes, but stick to it and don't give her her own way.

It's how I handle my 4 year old.

CrystalSkulls · 17/08/2014 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontDoIroning · 17/08/2014 11:20

Just say I've already been on a night out to celebrate and contributed to her weekend away, I know you weren't able to come out with us so I understand if you want to treat her and that's fine but I would prefer to pay for my own meal that night.

By the way how would birthday friend feel about this - if she's a genuine friend and knows you have already celebrated with her chipped in for her treat she might feel uncomfortable with this plan anyway.

Original poster
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 11:23

oh my friend will be absolutely mortified that it's my birthday and I'm paying for her meal. two of them are lovely and normal it's friend b who is more their friend than mine is always causing some sort of problem.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 17/08/2014 11:24

What you said in your last post sounds good OP and I would put that in the email. Though I would be tempted to respond to 'It's Friend A's night' with 'when is it going to be my night?' Friend B really is odd. I would never have the brass neck to ask someone to treat another person to dinner on their own birthday.

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