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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this financial arrangement is unfair?

84 replies

ODearMe · 16/08/2014 15:46

Hello all, need some perspective and advice please.

I have been with DH for 15 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old DS.

DH came into a large sum of money through unfortunate circumstances when we were 5 years into our relationship. Before we married, he asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, which i did. Everything is in his name - house, cars, furniture etc etc.

As time has gone on, i have come to realise that I was a bit naive about signing the pre-nup because I feel like an unequal partner in our marriage. I feel like DH has all the power to make financial decisions because none of the money is mine or accessible to me. Also, having no mortgage means that opportunities have opened up and DH wants to experience living abroad. It is not something i really want to do by the way but he sulks if i do not agree and it makes life uncomfortable.

It sounds all very privileged to not have a mortgage and to go on nice holidays and have an option to live in another country but I feel so vulnerable and yearn to have a home of my own. This is the part I feel is unfair... I work part time and my earnings go to our joint bank account to pay bills, and fund this expensive life style I don't necessarily want or need such as holidays, expensive car maintenance, car tax, expensive tyres, bills etc. I don't earn enough to put any aside for myself. Meanwhile, DH earns what I earn monthly in a week and doesn't always pay all his money in to the joint bank account.

What I am asking is-am I being unreasonable to feel insecure that I have nothing I can call my own but have to pay to contribute to DH's property/cars.

To overcome this, I have suggested buying another house, thus allowing me to have a mortgage for my share so I can feel equal and own part of my own home. He said he was not interested in getting a mortgage and thought it was a silly idea when we do not need one.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Please don't anyone say pre nuptials don't stand up as I would not take a penny of his money.

Thank you for your help

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2013 · 16/08/2014 15:51

YANBU at all. You are married with a dc and things should be shared.

I would open yourself a bank account in your name for your wages and discuss what proportion is needed to contribute to household bills/family essentials.

Then start saving the rest so you at least have something of your own.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/08/2014 15:55

Surely if everything is his, and you don't want to take his money, then he owes you whatever you've contributed to your joint life?

Sorry, I think this sounds awful. How can he not realize how shit you must feel?

expatinscotland · 16/08/2014 15:56

Sounds financially manipulative and borderline abusive. Do NOT move abroad with this man and do NOT allow him to remove your child there.

Barefootgirl · 16/08/2014 16:01

Why do all your earnings go into the joint account to pay bills, but not all of his earnings do? Does he have a problem with you having your own money to 'play' with?

In your shoes, I would open my own bank account in my sole name, and arrange to have my salary paid into that. Then, i would transfer a proportion of the money into the joint account every month, as my 'share', and the rest of the money would be mine. If you have no mortgage and your DH can afford a luxury car, and he earns four times what you do, I can't see that you actually need to be putting that much into the joint account.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/08/2014 16:05

Go and see a solicitor with a copy of your pre-nup to see how watertight it is. Your husband's a prick.

pointythings · 16/08/2014 16:05

You should be contributing to the joint account in proportion to your earnings. So if he earns 4.5 times (roughly) what you do, then he should be putting in 4.5 times as much as you. No way should you be paying 50/50 with him, that is financial abuse.

If he won't discuss this, it may be time to look into divorce options - and to stop paying into the joint account at all, as you will need to save what money you can.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2014 16:06

And get legal advice. Because he will kick up a fuss and you need to know your options.

frames · 16/08/2014 16:06

This would be unacceptable to me. Advice from all pp very sound. I would be seeking advice on how legally binding this pre nup was, and leaving with as much of it as I could.

HappyAgainOneDay · 16/08/2014 16:09

My own advice would be to start a bank account but don't you have to supply something like utility bills addressed to you - something to prove that you are whom you say and where you live?

riverboat1 · 16/08/2014 16:19

I'd do what Barefoot says. You don't want to take 'his' money, so you can only change what you do with yours. Stop putting all your income into the joint pot, when so much of his income is definitively placed outside of that pot.

WooWooOwl · 16/08/2014 16:47

You need to make sure you are working and earing as much as possibly can. Keep your own bank account and only contribute half of the regular bills to the joint account, and an agreed amount for groceries.

You need to be able to have a savings account in your own name, and if you want to get your own mortgage then do. I don't know how it works, but would you need his agreement if you're paying for it all yourself? You shouldn't need his permission.

If he wants to keep finances separate, then it think that's his right, but it means that you keep most of your earrings to yourself.

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/08/2014 16:59

I think the pre-nup was sensible. Any part, male or female, bringing far more to the marriage should protect themselves. Anybody arguing one or refusing to sign simply shows their true colours.

If you don't like the arrangement re salary, then work out the essential bills and pay 50/50 each with the rest of your own salaries remaining in your own accounts. If you then want to undertake a mortgage on a house that just yours you can.

You do seem to want your cake and eat it. You have benefitted from no rent or mortgage but yet begrudge DH spending on the property for repairs.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 16/08/2014 17:12

It's no way to live. You aren't being at all unreasonable feeling insecure, because you are living without any security - it's ALL in HIS name, none in yours. It's not right.

I know you said you wouldn't 'take his money' but think about it this way. HE is taking YOUR money without a backward glance. You need to go and see a solicitor to see how water tight that pre-nup is (I doubt he would be able to enforce it, tbh). It isn't about 'taking his inheritance' it's about coming out of this in a way you would have if you had both been earning a wage. About what you would/could have achieved if you had lived the way you would have chosen on your income.

Daisy - I think you missed the bit where the OP hands over all of her wages to live in a way that doesn't make her happy and leaves her with nothing of her own.

Original poster

ODearMe · 16/08/2014 17:13

You seem to have missed the point Daisy. If I was to have my cake and eat it, I would live at my husband's home and have my earnings. I give my earnings to my husband instead to boost/improve what he alone owns. I get use of them, yes-but if he decided to leave me tomorrow i would not have invested anything for myself.
In my opinion, it is not a benefit to not have a mortgage. If I had a mortgage, I would be happy as feeling more equal to my husband.
Also, I did not say anywhere I begrudged signing or disagreed with signing the pre-nup. I said I was naive about the implications of it.

Thank you all for responding. I will work out tonight how much the regular bills are and suggest paying half so I can save some money of my own and get on the property ladder.

OP posts:

HemlockStarglimmer · 16/08/2014 17:28

You are not being unreasonable. I was in the same situation with my ex. When we split up after 18 years I had nothing. Not helped by not being married of course. Luckily no children though.

doziedoozie · 16/08/2014 17:40

Don't know anything about prenups - does it mean everything you own is his??? Who knows, see a solicitor.

What if he meets someone else?

Why do you work if you are so comfortably off? Do you just want to be a modern mum with an income, do you want a career?

Original poster

ODearMe · 16/08/2014 17:51

Dozie-I work as we have a lot to pay out every month.

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 16/08/2014 18:07

Are you in the UK and did you see an independent solicitor before you signed the pre-nup?

Because if you didn't, the pre-nup isn't worth the paper it's written on. Any agreement which leaves one party to it such an unfavourable position won't be upheld by the court.

I suspect in the US such an agreement also wouldn't be upheld.

I think it's time for you to insist that some assets are put into your name, or else you keep ALL of your income and invest it for the future.

If your 'D'H wants you to keep putting money into the 'marital pot', then its time to come up with a new agreement. A 'post-nuptial' agreement which takes your welfare into account.

Go and see an independent solicitor anyway.

Allalonenow · 16/08/2014 18:08

Rather than looking at splitting your outgoings 50/50 as you mentioned up thread, I think it would be more fair for you each to contribute an amount in proportion to what you earn, so if he earns three times as much as you, he would pay three quarters and you would pay one quarter of the out goings.

It's complicated by the fact that you work part time, so presumably do more of the childcare etc than him, but if you are happy with the balance there, it shouldn't be too difficult to come to a financial agreement that satisfies you both.

doziedoozie · 16/08/2014 18:09

I would still check with a solicitor who deals with this stuff.

deakymom · 16/08/2014 18:11

after a certain amount of years a pre-nup becomes worthless doesn't it? (hang on)

deakymom · 16/08/2014 18:13

www.bsdivorcesolicitors.co.uk/pre_nuptial.php

this ^^ seems to support my idea xx

antimatter · 16/08/2014 18:13

I believe your "D"H is living in a fantasy land:

Pre-nups are not strictly enforceable or legally binding in the UK (England and Wales). Unlike a commercial contract you cannot sue on a pre-nup and there is always the possibility that if the marriage breaks down the court will not uphold the terms of the pre-nup. Pre-nups, post-nups and pre-civil registration agreements (they all work in the same way) cannot exclude the jurisdiction of the court to deal with financial issues on marriage breakdown, or the breakdown of a civil partnership.

On divorce the court has very wide discretionary powers to distribute family assets as they see fit, so as to bring about fairness between the couple. The court regard the couple’s respective roles as economic provider and child carer/homemaker as of equal value to the welfare of the family.

www.prenups.uk.com/site/summary-of-the-current-law

HayDayQueen · 16/08/2014 18:14

deakymom - a good prenup takes into account the passing of time, and the length of time a couple is together.

So if they've been together for 20 years, the asset split is different to if they've been together for 2 years.

A pre-nup which DOESN'T take it into account, is far more likely to be worthless.

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/08/2014 18:15

Did you get legal advice prior to the pre nup?

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