To think this financial arrangement is unfair?

[ODearMe]

Hello all, need some perspective and advice please.

I have been with DH for 15 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old DS.

DH came into a large sum of money through unfortunate circumstances when we were 5 years into our relationship. Before we married, he asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, which i did. Everything is in his name - house, cars, furniture etc etc.

As time has gone on, i have come to realise that I was a bit naive about signing the pre-nup because I feel like an unequal partner in our marriage. I feel like DH has all the power to make financial decisions because none of the money is mine or accessible to me. Also, having no mortgage means that opportunities have opened up and DH wants to experience living abroad. It is not something i really want to do by the way but he sulks if i do not agree and it makes life uncomfortable.

It sounds all very privileged to not have a mortgage and to go on nice holidays and have an option to live in another country but I feel so vulnerable and yearn to have a home of my own. This is the part I feel is unfair... I work part time and my earnings go to our joint bank account to pay bills, and fund this expensive life style I don't necessarily want or need such as holidays, expensive car maintenance, car tax, expensive tyres, bills etc. I don't earn enough to put any aside for myself. Meanwhile, DH earns what I earn monthly in a week and doesn't always pay all his money in to the joint bank account.

What I am asking is-am I being unreasonable to feel insecure that I have nothing I can call my own but have to pay to contribute to DH's property/cars.

To overcome this, I have suggested buying another house, thus allowing me to have a mortgage for my share so I can feel equal and own part of my own home. He said he was not interested in getting a mortgage and thought it was a silly idea when we do not need one.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Please don't anyone say pre nuptials don't stand up as I would not take a penny of his money.

Thank you for your help

Hi everyone,

We've just removed all references to the country the OP might be moving to in order to prevent her being outed.

If you could avoid mentioning the country by name, we'd be really grateful.

So.... this one thread which features a chap and his money features a lot of people trotting out the LTB angle, it's unfair etc.....

Then we have this thread, where the lady in question has the finances, and exactly the opposite answer it trotted out......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2161559-To-not-want-to-give-away-half-my-money

#hypocrites

my tuppence worth: OP should certainly set up her own account, and contribute a proportion to the household runnign costs etc - and it should be 50% of the amount it costs to cover the "house" expenditure, if that's the route she wants to go down. Just because her partner earns more, does not then mean that he should contribute more - surely then the Mumsnetter's would be up in arms about that being "financial abuse".........

Also - why in the hell doesn't the OP actually, you know, discuss this with her partner.

Sounds to me as if her lifestyle is pretty good, although she does therefore seem a little unhappy - but has she actually discussed this with him? There is no need for him to pay all of his money into an account to cover the bills etc, why would there be - playing devil's advocate, and taking the dangerous step on MN about posting from a guy's point of view - just maybe the OP is using the age old woman technique of "stating" everything is fine......... a little tip - if a guy asks if everything is fine, and the answer is yes, us guys tend to take that as an answer..... little hints, huffs etc are usually far too subtle. Just tell us, it's better.

Sorry - back to the point....
Talk to the husband - tell him that either you are not happy, you are not happy with the arrangement, not happy with the proposed move to another country etc - discuss it like adults.

This whole situation seems like the OP entered into everything willingly, openly, but now isn't happy she can't get hold of any of the cash he has clearly set aside to take care of probable future medical care due to the accident suffered, which provided the cash in the first place.....

Excuse me BubbleButt.

I do not want access to DH's money. I want to feel like an equal partner. I have spoken with DH about this before and asked if I could get a mortgage in my name which would solve this issue. I would be investing in my own future and getting on the property ladder in my own right. He did not want to entertain this. It has made me resent putting my earnings into something I don't legally own.

Please do not criticise me for coming to mumsnet for support as it had come to crunch time for me.

ODearMe
Wasn't criticising - it seemed pretty much a "humblebrag" from you initially - no mortgage, comfortable life, cars provided etc.

Also - it seemed as if you had not made your husband aware of your feelings.

Reading your above reply - it seems to me as if you are planning to leave him, and want to set up your own mortgage/property outside of your marriage.....

Why would you want to take on un-required debt like this? What would be the purpose and reasoning behind it? I can sort of understand it if you were to move as a family unit, and you then wanted to take on a 50/50 mortgage on another, after selling your current property, but apart from that I fail to see your point.

It smacks, to me, of jealousy from your part that your husband has cash that you have now decided you want, yet you can't access it, despite willingly accepting this.

I appreciate that you have your own job, and you would seem to want a semblance of financial responsibility, and without being patronising, well done to you as it is an admirable thing when it appears that you would not actually need to work.

However - Is this just your "ego"? why don't you discuss a 75/25 split on the bills etc then? where you have your own cash, and he contributes more to the household (other than the cars, the actual house itself etc).

Again - from a male perspective - he probably assumes that you are happy with the whole situation, you seem to have willingly decided to pay for 50% of the bills and willingly leave yourself with "no money", I am assuming however that he doesn't lock all of his other cash away like Scrooge McDuck, and you (like the cars etc) can simply have what you want, when you want it?

It's difficult on here sometimes - as most scream abuse/LTB without actually reading the message - for me this whole thing just seems like a misunderstanding rather than anything more........

Thanks for you your response. Please believe me when I say it is not a 'humble brag' at all-I was setting the picture of my situation. Not jealous of DH's money either, maybe just a bee in my bonnet as I just want to 'feel' equal to him.

Perhaps you are right that I am not very good at communicating my feelings to DH in a strong enough manner. I have told him before but nothing happens to change anything. We are going out tomorrow night and I intend to tell him again how I feel instead of letting this bubble away under the surface.

You are right, it would only be worthwhile to get myself a mortgage if we move house and this is my ideal outcome.

Didn't mean to be condescending in anyway ODear, and I hope it didn't come acoss in that manner.

I hoped to put across a semi-reasonable response, hoped to help :D

I had a huge argument with my wife around 3 years ago, because in the past I was stupid with my money (before I met her), meaning that I was essentially black listed for credit for a significant amount of time - whilst I was still earning, I couldn't contribute (in name) to the mortgage.

Knuckled down, got myself sorted out financially, changed jobs etc, and we were at a point where I actually purchased our next house as sole mortgage holder (she put cash down for deposit) for no other reason than I am a good chunk younger than her (8 years).

She started getting very "stand-offish" with a lot of stuff - we didn't use "credit" for a lot of stuff, we had the mortgage and a car on finance, but no credit cards, store cards etc - we saved to buy stuff when we needed it (bigger stuff like furniture upgrades etc!)...... but becuase I was earning more than her, it started to make her feel "be-littled"....

Came to a head in a situation not too dissimilar to some of your comments above, but she simply would not tell me - confronted about her being a moody arse, was it me/the kids etc, was she happy - was just down to the change in financial circumstances since we met - she used to feel like she was "in control and in charge", she then felt like she was a "kept woman"...... despite being nothing of the sort.

Basically - the next time the mortgage came for review, we joint-applied. Has taken the interest down slightly, has given her some feeling of "contribution" (we both paid previously but was in my name solely!) - we split all household bills equally, contribute to savings equally, contribute to a holiday fund equally, and each take care of one kids childcare funds/activities etc - whilst maintaining seperate accounts for wages etc.

Not quit sure where I went in the end with that, but I do sympathise with you - I wish you luck in your conversation and hope you get it sorted :D

I find pre nups really odd. If you feel you need one then there is something wrong.
Maybe I'm just stupid but I didn't get my DW to sign one and I've got the family estate in my name now - a little over £7m worth!
If I thought I'd need a pre nup I wouldn't have married her.

You should have run a mile the moment the words 'pre-nup' left his lips!