To think this financial arrangement is unfair?

[ODearMe]

Hello all, need some perspective and advice please.

I have been with DH for 15 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old DS.

DH came into a large sum of money through unfortunate circumstances when we were 5 years into our relationship. Before we married, he asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, which i did. Everything is in his name - house, cars, furniture etc etc.

As time has gone on, i have come to realise that I was a bit naive about signing the pre-nup because I feel like an unequal partner in our marriage. I feel like DH has all the power to make financial decisions because none of the money is mine or accessible to me. Also, having no mortgage means that opportunities have opened up and DH wants to experience living abroad. It is not something i really want to do by the way but he sulks if i do not agree and it makes life uncomfortable.

It sounds all very privileged to not have a mortgage and to go on nice holidays and have an option to live in another country but I feel so vulnerable and yearn to have a home of my own. This is the part I feel is unfair... I work part time and my earnings go to our joint bank account to pay bills, and fund this expensive life style I don't necessarily want or need such as holidays, expensive car maintenance, car tax, expensive tyres, bills etc. I don't earn enough to put any aside for myself. Meanwhile, DH earns what I earn monthly in a week and doesn't always pay all his money in to the joint bank account.

What I am asking is-am I being unreasonable to feel insecure that I have nothing I can call my own but have to pay to contribute to DH's property/cars.

To overcome this, I have suggested buying another house, thus allowing me to have a mortgage for my share so I can feel equal and own part of my own home. He said he was not interested in getting a mortgage and thought it was a silly idea when we do not need one.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Please don't anyone say pre nuptials don't stand up as I would not take a penny of his money.

Thank you for your help

What do you pay out if you have no mortgage? If he earns 4x what you earn I'm assuming between you you bring in £3-4k a month? Even if it's half that I struggle to see where it all goes if you are mortgage free. If it's school fees then I suppose that's ok since that benefits your joint children but otherwise?
Why do you say you wouldn't touch a penny go his money? Have you not shared a life for 14 years? Do you honestly still see it all as his? The inheritance, fine, but everything else...assuming you have savings accounts between you etc?

Honestly, you need to stop paying all your wages into the family pot and start a savings account in your own name. Then when if you divorce this sorry specimen you will have some money of your own.

You don't want any of his money but you are happy for him to take all yours?

Stand up for yourself and put your money in your own bank account, and simply pay your share of the joint bills.

Or leave and get a solicitor to negotiate a settlement that is worthy of what you have put into the marriage.

Just reread your first post, and have to say that it is not "his money" but it is the money of your marriage and partnership.

In any sort of relationship, business or personal, whoever controls the money, holds the power, and this of course is why you feel so insecure. You and your DH both need to change your mindset about your family finances, so that you both become equal partners.

Best of luck OP

When me and DH 'set up house' together, he already owned a house and thus £30 grand that he made from that went into the house we then bought together. A pre-nup never even crossed DH's mind (although his mate did suggest it at the time ). Yes I know shit happens and people split up but we are in this for the long haul and we would never of considered 'what would happen if we split up' when starting our lives together. I think if you are married, contributing to the house and have a child then you should have an equal sharw in the house, assets etc. As others have said don't know how watertight pre-nups are in UK anyway x

You can register an interest in the property. You should do this asap.

I assume he's made will leaving all to you.

My dh was left a life-changing sum (several multiple 6 figures) when his dm died (although we'd been married around 12 years by that point). When the estate was settled, his only attitude was "What shall we do with it all."
At one point, he fancied buying something which, frankly, wasn't up my street and I pointed out that it was his money, strictly, so up to him. "Don't be silly, it's ours," he said.

Just sayin' ....

If having your own property is important, then surely you should be working FT to ensure you earn enough to pay the mortgage on a property of your own. Where were you living when you met your DH? Did you not have a home of your own/any assets?

I think you should be contributing to the family 'pot', just not your entire salary.

I don't see any issue with pre-nups, I think they're entirely sensible when one party has far more in terms of assets than the other, especially when the party without assets has a somewhat profligate attitude towards money. I intend to have one in future, because in my last relationship my sponging tosser of an Ex said he would never make a claim on the money I brought to the relationship (£60k), subsequently when we split up he denied such a conversation ever took place, despite then also running up considerable debts on our mortgage account, which I am liable for.

Separate accounts/assets with a joint one for essential bills only to which each person contributes an appropriate percentage of their salary is the best approach as I see it.

To answer your questions:

1. I would not take his money as he had a serious car accident and the money is compensation for it. He may need surgery in later life and may even end up in a wheel chair and need the house to be modified.

1. The money pays for fuel for the two expensive cars, holidays, tax for expensive cars, food, bills. DH likes to put expensive tyres on the cars which can be £500 a pop.

1. Yes I did seek legal advice for pre-nup

So the money wasn't inheritance? And the accident happened well into your relationship but he treats it as his?

Yes that's right chubz. But itnisna is, in case he should need it for future operations etc. he got it or a reason.

I'm not doubting he's entitled to it, just knowing the way it came about changes things in my eyes. An inheritance I could almost understand being squirreled away to himself...

But I see you as included in that compensation arrangement, as his life partner what effects him has an impact on you.

Of course, I might end up his carer.

If you are in the uk, in the event of a divorce, the marital home is deemed to be owned equally by both spouses. So even if your DH bought it entirely with his own money, earned prior to marriage, and the mortgage/deeds are only in his name, it's still half 'yours' IYSWIM.

Your DH is using money in order to maintain power and control. He is manipulating you, the comment about sulking also indicates that.
If you feel vulnerable and insecure, and you tell him so, and he still feels things are fine then what does this say about how much he loves and cares for you? Why would he continue to behave in a way that makes you unhappy? Unless all he really cares about is himself. I could have this completely wrong and he genuinely doesn't realise how unhappy you are, but I doubt it. Your relationship sounds very unequal. Agree with all those who say get some legal advice.Good luck.

When we bought our current house we changed our previous arrangement, which was joint bills split 50/50, each paying for our own cars. This house was more expensive & if I'd paid for 50% I'd have crap clothes & hair! We've had a kid since & everything (income, bonus, inheritance) is technically ours. Dh earns more than I do & has been the beneficiary of some inheritance so I kind of give him more influence over how much we spend on hols & DIY. But tbh I paid more into the despot for our first house. He's generally more generous than I, so it works for me ;o)

IMHO it's all swings & roundabouts & over the course of our lives it'll work out equal, especially if you take into account working and childcare hours. I think it's sad to construct your household management based on what happens if it ceases to be (& I have divorced parents!)

I think if you don't sort this out in a rational way to be more fair you may be storing up problems for the future. Wouldn't you be better sorting it out now?

My parents just got divorced after 40 years of marriage. The amount of bitterness they have stored up over that time (over relatively minor things) means I'm unlikely to ever see them in the same room again. If they'd sorted stuff out when I was younger, they'd either be still married, or at least be able to attend shared family occasions.

The compensation money is for his pain, suffering and loss of amenity (and any resulting financial loss). It is legally 'his' money and not intended to compensate a spouse - because he was the person injured.

It's likely a large compensation award would include an element for past/future care - care is usually expected to be provided by a family member and the rate is reduced accordingly...from memory usually to £4-5 an hour, for a time specified period (ie x hours a day for x days a week etc). Legally some part of that care claim (if care has been demonstrably provided) is about as much as the OP would be entitled to.

I have no idea about the legalities. Just seems obvious to me when something devastating happens when you are in a long term relationship you aren't the only one affected.

It sounds kind of late to be having this discussion....

Five years into your relationship something happened and he was awarded money which was part compensation for what happened and part payment for anything that might happen in the future, as a consequence?

It sounds like he decided to use all the capital to live now - expensive house, cars etc. Great (if a bit short-sighted). But EITHER he has the disposable income to fund the ongoing costs, bills and upkeep (in which case fine for him to keep all the assets in his name), OR he needs your income to support it. In which case he should be sharing the assets.

However, if the payment was also made for the future then you both need to plan for that - working out whether the big house is an asset that he would sell to pay for care / treatment.

It is a pity that he didn't get better advice on this when the payment was made.

I would get your wages paid into an account in your name and discuss with dh how much he think you need to contribute into the joint account.

Where abroad? If he wants to go, you don't actually have to leave the UK. What does he expect to get out of the experience that a 6 month sabbatical won't achieve? Your ds will be able to attend reception at school when he is 4 and you could lose out on a school place, lose any community feel for you and him, and of course, give up your job. Sulking would make me dig my heels in more. The worst thing I did was accompany my dh abroad.

He is spending because he has one eye on the future where he might not be able to have a fast car, work abroad etc, and quite understandable. However he is relying on you for a role as carer, giving up your job.

You need him to give you full disclosure of finances, future plans as a family- not centred round his needs - and just because you're married doesn't mean everything comes to you. He can have a will in place without telling you.

Ask him to dissolve the pre nup. Surely its obvious after all this time you're not a gold digger!

It sounds kind of late to be having this discussion....

Five years into your relationship something happened and he was awarded money which was part compensation for what happened and part payment for anything that might happen in the future, as a consequence?

It sounds like he decided to use all the capital to live now - expensive house, cars etc. Great (if a bit short-sighted). But EITHER he has the disposable income to fund the ongoing costs, bills and upkeep (in which case fine for him to keep all the assets in his name), OR he needs your income to support it. In which case he should be sharing the assets.

However, if the payment was also made for the future then you both need to plan for that - working out whether the big house is an asset that he would sell to pay for care / treatment.

It is a pity that he didn't get better advice on this when the payment was made.

Oh god just don't do it. If you don't want to go you don't go. The risk of being trapped there forever if you split is too much of a real one.
I must say, he sounds like a bully.