To think this financial arrangement is unfair?

[ODearMe]

Hello all, need some perspective and advice please.

I have been with DH for 15 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old DS.

DH came into a large sum of money through unfortunate circumstances when we were 5 years into our relationship. Before we married, he asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, which i did. Everything is in his name - house, cars, furniture etc etc.

As time has gone on, i have come to realise that I was a bit naive about signing the pre-nup because I feel like an unequal partner in our marriage. I feel like DH has all the power to make financial decisions because none of the money is mine or accessible to me. Also, having no mortgage means that opportunities have opened up and DH wants to experience living abroad. It is not something i really want to do by the way but he sulks if i do not agree and it makes life uncomfortable.

It sounds all very privileged to not have a mortgage and to go on nice holidays and have an option to live in another country but I feel so vulnerable and yearn to have a home of my own. This is the part I feel is unfair... I work part time and my earnings go to our joint bank account to pay bills, and fund this expensive life style I don't necessarily want or need such as holidays, expensive car maintenance, car tax, expensive tyres, bills etc. I don't earn enough to put any aside for myself. Meanwhile, DH earns what I earn monthly in a week and doesn't always pay all his money in to the joint bank account.

What I am asking is-am I being unreasonable to feel insecure that I have nothing I can call my own but have to pay to contribute to DH's property/cars.

To overcome this, I have suggested buying another house, thus allowing me to have a mortgage for my share so I can feel equal and own part of my own home. He said he was not interested in getting a mortgage and thought it was a silly idea when we do not need one.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Please don't anyone say pre nuptials don't stand up as I would not take a penny of his money.

Thank you for your help

Yes he is in a profession out there, and I believe he will pass Medicals as they only do a chest X-ray and blood tests to make sure people don't have HIV or TB

Hey OP, sounds pretty rubbish.

People think being mortgage free solves all problems but other stuff still needs paying for doesn't it?

He is BU. I don't have a mortgage, if you were my spouse I would go with your idea of buying a mortgaged property elsewhere as a BTL. This would benefit both of you plus any children in the future. Has he said why he doesn't want to do this?

ODear as I understand xrays and medicals are just the basics. When they discover he has medical history for eg injuries, surgeries, specialist appts etc they will look further. They don't offer any sort of Permanent residency let alone citizenship to people who may drain their healthcare system later in life.

Perhaps that's something else you could look into - honestly I don't think it will be straightforward even with a profession.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. I had not thought about Medicals investigating beyond X-ray and blood test. It would be best case scenario if this is a stumbling block. In the meantime, I will discuss how I feel with my husband so he listens this time.

Thank you HayDay, if it comes to it, I will do just that

If you are in the UK the pre- nup has no legal validity, elsewhere courts are reasonable, either way legally you are in a better situation than you think.

Yes I certainly would open a bank account transfer your wages into that, and put a sensible portion aside each month into the joint account. I would see a solicitor regarding the pre nup. Are deeds in his name?

I would have thought the prenup means if you spilt then the money is his however your wedding vows would said something along the lines of what's your is mine so while married the money etc is equally yours and his. Dh earns far more than me as I only work pt to care for dc, but the money he earns is family money.

He sounds like a nasty bully. A good man won't resent you, dh got a job offer the US, and I put my foot down and said no, I could not leave my mum. Dh respected that, did not rake the jib and never resented me for saying no, it's been 10 years since.

Agggghast - that's not strictly true. UK courts will take pre-nups into consideration, but are not bound by them. If the pre-nup is blatently unfair, then they won't uphold it. But they CAN and HAVE upheld them.

I will do Armani

Maybe show your dh this thread and see if he listens.