To not even consider talking to my mum until she apologises?

[wolfe1]

My mother is a fantastic grandparent to my two biological children (who are 4 and nearly 1) - spoils them rotten, plays with them, loves spending time with them ect. However, she is not so good with either DH's son(15) or the two boys we adopted a few years ago (14 and 16). She has never been outwardly rude or made it clear they are not family (until this) but spends far less on gifts for them ect.

She lives in a different country so we don't actually see her that often but she was/is visiting at the moment and, as usual, is staying at our house. She bought loads of gifts for the younger boys but nothing for the older 3 stating they are too old for presents. She was playing with my 4yo yesterday and they were using the gifts she bought (which included a couple of sets of lego) me and DH were in the room but not actively playing with them. My 4yo said to her something along the lines of 'you could buy (older 3 DS's names) lego like you did me because they still play with it' and my mother response was 'well I'm not going to get them a present, they aren't my grandsons, not like you and (name of 1yo)' to which my son said 'well they are my brothers so how come they aren't your grandons?' and before either me or DH could step in she said 'they aren't your proper brothers, not like (name of 1yo)'

My DH went mad and told her to leave and she did. Despite a talk from my DH 4yo DS is still quite upset and confused and even asked the 14 if they were 'real' brothers yesterday because 'nanna said they weren't'. All the older boys have been fab big brothers to DS and it must of been horrible for my 14yo to hear him say that. I'm fuming at my mother and have told her not to bother contacting me unless it is an apology.

I got a call from my sister this morning saying i was being ridiculous and over reacting and the technically they were not brothers and the 4yo will have to learn this one day eventually. My mother is apparently upset because she's had to stay in a hotel and isn't seeing her grandchildren.

Anyway, I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable about this or not. On the one hand i think my mother was totally in the wrong to say that, but on the other hand, maybe I am being slightly over emotional. I know that one day it will need explaining to my 4yo but he can't really understand the ins and outs of it the minuet and sees all of them as his big brothers, and statement like that do upset him (he is quite emotional).

So basically am I over reacting or not?

[LittlePeaPod]

YADNBU.. What an awful situation. You are also right to insist on an apology. She needs to realise that her behaviour is awful.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh no, how awful :(

Obviously YANBU but what to do now?

[budgiegirl]

YANBU. I was adopted at birth. My adopted parents are my REAL parents. My adopted sister is my REAL sister. And my adopted grandparents are my REAL grandparents. Blood links have absolutely nothing to do with it.

Maybe you could point out to your DM that not only are all your children legally your children, and legally each other's brothers, they are also legally all her grandchildren.

I think you need to sit down with her in private and explain thus to her. I suppose she can't help how she feels, but she can damn sure help how she makes them feel

[TheSarcasticFringehead]

YANBU. I am adopted. I remember comments about my 'real' brother (my birth brother who was in care at the time and I wasn't even as close to as my other brothers) and being asked about if I saw my mum. When I said, well, yeah, I live with her (in my possibly innocent six or seven year old mind, that was what my aunt was asking) and being told that no, do I see my real mum? I was also treated less favourably. Thankfully my parents went down on that hard and always made sure to comment and reaffirm that obviously my mum/dad were/are my real parents and I was their real daughter, like my brothers were their real sons, all my brothers were my 'real' brothers and so on.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

You are not over-reacting at all. I suppose all you can do is meet her on neutral territory and explain, in very simple terms, why exactly what she said is so wrong, why you are all a family and that excluding some members just will not and never will happen in your family.

Give her a chance to apologise and for it to sink in. If she really can't accept it- well, then that's a different ball game. She may simply not have thought it through or known how you see your family- I know that sounds stupid, but the fact that she said what she said in front of you and your DH sounds to me like unthinking stupidity rather than malicious plotting when your back is turned.

[Nanny0gg]

Bloody good job she lives in another country.

Best she stays there.

[fun1nthesun]

Well it's a good chance to pull together as a family and strengthen the bonds you have with and between the children. Older people can get set in their ways and have outdated beliefs.

I think napoleon has it, meet on neutral territory and explain simply what went wrong. Then come back on here and let us know what she said!

[QisforQcumber]

She's a fucking stupid cow. Who tells a 4 year old that? He is 4! FFS.

[queenofthemountain]

Your mum can't help the way she feels, but she could do her best to pretend.I think you need to meet her and explain how hurtful it is to you and damaging to your adopted sons.
However the cat is out of the bag now and if it hadn't been your DM it would have been someone else before long.Your 4 year old is old enough to be given an explanation of how your family was formed

[OwlCapone]

If I were you, I would not be talking to my sister until she apologises either.

[BecauseIsaidS0]

YADNBU and this makes me feel really sad. I have an adopted uncle and we'd go ballistic if anyone suggested he is anything less than family to all of us.

[flippinada]

if it hadn't been your DM it would have been someone else before long.Your 4 year old is old enough to be given an explanation of how your family was formed

Er, really? Isn't that a decision for the parents to make?

[ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb]

how incredibly sad and small minded to think that they are not real siblings because the sperm and eggs did not come from the same source .

YADNBU what she said was hurtful and unnecessary to all of you and not actually true. IMHO unless she can treat all children equally she should not see any of them.

My stepgradmother behaved in a similar to me and my sister when we were young, she excluded us and made it clear (without actually saying it) that we weren't family. it was hurtful, it still is to be honest. please stand up for your family and stick to your guns.

[ROARmeow]

YANBU.

How long will she be in the hotel before her holiday is over and she's due to fly home?

Do you want her apology to come before that?

Stick to your guns, OP, all your kids need your loyalty and strength.

[Spadequeen]

Well done for sticking up for all your children. Tell you mum and sister to do one, nasty bitches

[FabulousFudge]

Your 4 year old sounds amazing. Incredibly astute and mature.

[GreenPetal94]

She is totally out of order saying that. But also you don't want the 5 kids to lose a grandmother. I hope she is doing some serious thinking at the hotel and will apologise.

[Spadequeen]

Doesn't sound like the 5 kids will, only 2 of them. More her loss than theirs.

[BookABooSue]

She was wrong and has been in her treatment of them for some time.

However, I don't think that's the question that you're asking. You say your DH put your Dm out of the house. Did you both discuss that as a response? I'm wondering if you're asking the question on here because you might not have gone that far but are now having to deal with the fall-out from your dsis and dm.

Your dm's uneven treatment needed to be addressed. However it sounds as though this is the first time any of you have tried to do so. In that case I think it was a bit heavy-handed to jump to putting her out of your house rather than having an adult conversation where you established rules and boundaries.

[Meerka]

YADNBU.

what a horrible, divisive, mean spirited thing to say.

I hope your 4 yo can realise that granny said a silly thing that isn't true.

I'm entirely behind you throwing her out. Btw I'm adopted and my real mother was my adoptive one.

[BloodyClarey]

YADNBU

[Viperidae]

What a nasty thing for her to say. You are a family and she has no right to undermine that

[wheresthelight]

not read the whole thread, but YADNBU.

If it was my mother telling my DD that her DBro/Dsis she wouldn't see any of us ever again

[WellnowImFucked]

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