To not even consider talking to my mum until she apologises?

[wolfe1]

My mother is a fantastic grandparent to my two biological children (who are 4 and nearly 1) - spoils them rotten, plays with them, loves spending time with them ect. However, she is not so good with either DH's son(15) or the two boys we adopted a few years ago (14 and 16). She has never been outwardly rude or made it clear they are not family (until this) but spends far less on gifts for them ect.

She lives in a different country so we don't actually see her that often but she was/is visiting at the moment and, as usual, is staying at our house. She bought loads of gifts for the younger boys but nothing for the older 3 stating they are too old for presents. She was playing with my 4yo yesterday and they were using the gifts she bought (which included a couple of sets of lego) me and DH were in the room but not actively playing with them. My 4yo said to her something along the lines of 'you could buy (older 3 DS's names) lego like you did me because they still play with it' and my mother response was 'well I'm not going to get them a present, they aren't my grandsons, not like you and (name of 1yo)' to which my son said 'well they are my brothers so how come they aren't your grandons?' and before either me or DH could step in she said 'they aren't your proper brothers, not like (name of 1yo)'

My DH went mad and told her to leave and she did. Despite a talk from my DH 4yo DS is still quite upset and confused and even asked the 14 if they were 'real' brothers yesterday because 'nanna said they weren't'. All the older boys have been fab big brothers to DS and it must of been horrible for my 14yo to hear him say that. I'm fuming at my mother and have told her not to bother contacting me unless it is an apology.

I got a call from my sister this morning saying i was being ridiculous and over reacting and the technically they were not brothers and the 4yo will have to learn this one day eventually. My mother is apparently upset because she's had to stay in a hotel and isn't seeing her grandchildren.

Anyway, I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable about this or not. On the one hand i think my mother was totally in the wrong to say that, but on the other hand, maybe I am being slightly over emotional. I know that one day it will need explaining to my 4yo but he can't really understand the ins and outs of it the minuet and sees all of them as his big brothers, and statement like that do upset him (he is quite emotional).

So basically am I over reacting or not?

[Chiana]

I think you absolutely did the right thing, OP. You have to come down hard on something like this, or you send a message that it’s allowed for her to drip poison in your children’s ears. Which sounds melodramatic, I know, but it’s a melodramatic thing she’s doing, favouring her bio grandkids over her other grandkids this much. Most people would at least be a little sneakier about it!

3 of your DC are teenagers, and teens already feel insecure about their place in their family, even if they’re not adopted. No, it wouldn’t be pleasant for them to overhear that conversation, or to be left out of the presents, but I’m sure your and your DH’s swift and no-nonsense response sent a reassuring message to them that even if their granny doesn’t care, their parents do.

Hopefully your mum just needed a swift kick, and the shock will cause her to re-evaluate her choices. However, be prepared for her not to budge, or to say she’s budging, and then get sneakier about the way she favours the 2 youngest DC. I would be very vigilant with her, and encourage your kids to tell you if she says anything that makes them uncomfortable when she’s alone with them. As for your sister, they’re not her kids. You have to do what’s right for your family, not just what’s easiest to keep the peace between you and your mum.

[Pico2]

YANBU. There are some really limited circumstances that I can imagine where people might be reasonable to treat step-siblings differently (e.g. DSS has inherited millions from his GPs on the other side, you might reflect this in your will by leaving more to your other DC). But on a day-to-day basis, all of your DC need and deserve to be treated equally and see themselves as part of your family. The visit of a GP certainly isn't one of those rare circumstances when treating step-DC differently is appropriate. As for treating adopted children differently, I really can't see any circumstance where this would be appropriate.

[angelohsodelight]

I'm glad you made her leave, YANBU. There is nothing to discuss. She apologises and treats all kids the same from this moment onward.

[diddl]

Well the son of OPs husband is a half brother to the others, but that's the only "fact" isn't it?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Of course it was out of turn. The factual content of her little outburst is nothing compared to the emotional message she delighted in trying to convey.

She tried to change your whole family structure and break ties of love and belonging. She's a nasty, selfish and cruel bitch (sorry, I'm still incensed on your and your families behalf)

[Thumbwitch]

Pleased to hear they all seem ok wolfe and I do still think that is because you gave them all very clear reassurance that they are indeed real brothers.

Glad your sister seems to be a bit more reasonable but she needs to back out of it really - unless she's totally for you on this, she's partly against you and that's not good enough for your sons, IMO.

[wolfe1]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I'm glad to see it isn't just me that thinks that her behaviour was out of order.

We live in England and my mum speaks great English (she is American) so i assume finding a hotel wasn't a massive problem. If we have lived in the idle of nowhere or a country where she couldn't communicate then I probably would have said she didn't have to leave.

Also, my DH and her don't get on and never has (13 years later and I'm still far too good for him apparently , and i think that is part of the reason she is like she is with the older boys.

I haven't heard from my mum but my sister rang again, trying to sort it out. This time she said that she can see my point of view but that i should 'discuss' what happened with my mum. I have said i'm not willing to discuss it until my mother apologises and have left it at that.

To those who said about my 4yo having to find out at some point, he is already aware that both my 14yo and 16 have a different mum and dad (they still have minimal contact with their mum and also have a few pictures in their room of their other bio brothers) but he has never connected it with not being their little brother. I know it does need properly explaining to him and it must be confusing for a four year old, but i think the way my mum spoke as well as what she said was out of order.

Anyway, the boys seem okay today - the 4yo, 14yo and 15yo are running around at the moment playing guardians of the galaxy

[Thumbwitch]

Any word from your mother today, wolfe?

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

YANBU. It absolutely wasn't her place/decision to tell them either. I'd be absolutely livid.

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

Yanbu. She knew what she was saying at it was petty at best and spiteful and ignorant. She should apologise and adjust her behaviour in future.

Well done you though, a great response. Your family unit sounds lovely, what lucky sons. X

[MexicanSpringtime]

Yes, nothing more to add except that your 4-year-old sounds lovely, thinking of what his older brothers would like.

Slightly changing the subject, but my parents were separated and when my dad died I found letters from my older brother telling my dad exactly what I wanted for Christmas. He is now 65 and he is still one of the loveliest kindest people I know.

[MrsMook]

YANBU. My family is permanently affected by a spiteful grandmother who pulled rank on her grandchildren. Only the ones by her son to his first wife were good enough, not her step grandchildren, and her own grandchild by a second marriage "wasn't the same". That was 40+ years ago, and the effects of her inequality on self esteem and relationships have weakened the family unit.

Having an unorthodox family was tough at school when people were critical about who my relations were based on blood, not quality of relations.

Your 4 year old sounds like a lovely brother.

[Chiana]

YADNBU!!!!

[Kakaka]

YADNBU. Family is what you make.

I would not speak to her again until she was willing to treat all five of your children equally. No presents for any unless she has one for all.

[musicalendorphins2]

You are not over reacting or unreasonable at all. What a horrible attitude your mother has. I am sorry. Your sister is also in the wrong.

[steff13]

Oh my goodness. I don't know that I would forgive her even if she did apologize. I wouldn't be too happy with your sister, either.

[Morloth]

They need each other more than your younger two need her.

[aaangie123]

YANBU! Your son knows more than that nasty witch!
My mum and dad fostered from when I was about 6 and from day 1 I decided that every one of the kids was my 'proper' brother or sister. My Gran used to tell me they weren't and I always stood my ground and said she was wrong and that if they weren't her 'proper' grandkids I wasn't either! It usually ended in (her) tears with me being told to apologise cos I should have respect for my elders! (which I never did cos I knew I wasn't wrong!) She eventually stopped arguing with me about it and as far as I can remember treated us all the same. I loved my Gran, we (eventually) got along really well!

[SecretWitch]

Actually, my apologies, the situation was not similar at all...this incident involved your mother..My thoughtless commentator was someone outside the family..

[SecretWitch]

My heart aches for you and your children. You have made the right choice. Bless your little boy, he knows exactly who his brother's are even if his grandmother does not.

We had a somewhat similar situation when someone tactlessly commented on my daughter's being half sister's. My six year old was puzzled and asked which half of ( Big Sister's Name) belonged to her.

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

Totally the right response. That was so cruel and selfish to your children. It also says a lot about how she views your choices as an adult. I would also be wondering what else she has been, or would likely to be saying to them, if she's NOT in a position to be overheard.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Yanbu, I can't imagine what it would have been like if you didn't hear the conversation.

[Thumbwitch]

Actually I think putting your mum out of the house is not an overreaction. What you have done is send a very clear message to your sons that you are totally on their side and that your mum has been highly offensive to have suggested that they aren't "really" yours, even though they have been legally adopted (and your DH's DS of course) - good message for your sons to have received!
AND you've sent a clear message to your mother too, although she might not have got it so clearly - that her bigoted and repulsive views are not going to be tolerated in your home, and that she is not welcome around your five sons until she sorts herself out.

No over-reaction at all. Letting her stay in the home would have been quite horrible for your older boys.

[RedRoom]

I think it is spiteful of her. The children are yours, all of them. Does she not think children adopted in their teens have gone through enough already, without having adults who should know better making them feel like they aren't family and don't belong? She should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. I speak as someone who was adopted as an older child. I wouldn't let her anywhere near those children until she has apologised and can treat the equally because her behaviour is utterly damaging.

[LemonBreeland]

YANBU at all. How cruel to say that.

And for whoever said the 4 year old is old enough to know hoe the family was formed. How do we know at ge doesn't already know. Even if he does know about the adoption, and half brother scenario, it wouldn't make him any less confused about what his Granny was saying about them not being his real brothers. Because in his mind they will be.