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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not even consider talking to my mum until she apologises?

103 replies

wolfe1 · 13/08/2014 14:55

My mother is a fantastic grandparent to my two biological children (who are 4 and nearly 1) - spoils them rotten, plays with them, loves spending time with them ect. However, she is not so good with either DH's son(15) or the two boys we adopted a few years ago (14 and 16). She has never been outwardly rude or made it clear they are not family (until this) but spends far less on gifts for them ect.

She lives in a different country so we don't actually see her that often but she was/is visiting at the moment and, as usual, is staying at our house. She bought loads of gifts for the younger boys but nothing for the older 3 stating they are too old for presents. She was playing with my 4yo yesterday and they were using the gifts she bought (which included a couple of sets of lego) me and DH were in the room but not actively playing with them. My 4yo said to her something along the lines of 'you could buy (older 3 DS's names) lego like you did me because they still play with it' and my mother response was 'well I'm not going to get them a present, they aren't my grandsons, not like you and (name of 1yo)' to which my son said 'well they are my brothers so how come they aren't your grandons?' and before either me or DH could step in she said 'they aren't your proper brothers, not like (name of 1yo)'

My DH went mad and told her to leave and she did. Despite a talk from my DH 4yo DS is still quite upset and confused and even asked the 14 if they were 'real' brothers yesterday because 'nanna said they weren't'. All the older boys have been fab big brothers to DS and it must of been horrible for my 14yo to hear him say that. I'm fuming at my mother and have told her not to bother contacting me unless it is an apology.

I got a call from my sister this morning saying i was being ridiculous and over reacting and the technically they were not brothers and the 4yo will have to learn this one day eventually. My mother is apparently upset because she's had to stay in a hotel and isn't seeing her grandchildren.

Anyway, I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable about this or not. On the one hand i think my mother was totally in the wrong to say that, but on the other hand, maybe I am being slightly over emotional. I know that one day it will need explaining to my 4yo but he can't really understand the ins and outs of it the minuet and sees all of them as his big brothers, and statement like that do upset him (he is quite emotional).

So basically am I over reacting or not?

OP posts:

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 15:22

YANBU to be upset at what your mother said, however, some people are very blunt and truthful and do not realise that they are being hurtful.

As someone who constantly gets in trouble for blurting out whatever little thought pops into my brain in the bluntest way possible, no. It does not take rocket science to figure out that some things you just keep your mouth shut about. If I can do it, her NT mother most certainly can.

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2014 15:25

I agree with diddl - it's not a "good grandmotherly" thing to do to shatter a 4yo's view of his family, that's a mean evil bitch thing to do and I wouldn't want anyone like that spending time with my children.

If I were you I'd tell the 4yo that "nanny is getting old and confused" and he shouldn't worry about the things she says because she's wrong - his brothers are of course his brothers, and were chosen specially to be part of his family (or something).

Argh, I'm so angry with your bloody mother! Awful thing to do. And your sister is no better. (can you tell how cross I am, I've had to post twice on your thread to try and get it out!)

Fairylea · 13/08/2014 15:28

Yanbu. What your mum said was awful. Absolutely awful.

WhatTheFork · 13/08/2014 15:30

You are absolutely not over reacting. Although I'm not in the same boat as you I know my mother would be exactly the same. She's an ignorant arse too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/08/2014 15:35

I'd tell your sister that your mother behaved in a completely unacceptable way and that she's not welcome to return and visit all 5 of her grandchildren until such time as she apologises and makes amends.

Coolas · 13/08/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 13/08/2014 15:40

As an adoptive parent I would say that even if your mother cannot feel the same way about older children she hasn't known since birth, a good grandmother (in fact any decent human being) would pretend.

Perfectlypurple · 13/08/2014 15:42

Wow, how mean. You not unreasonable at all.

I have a dsd. She is treated like she was mine by my parents, nan, brother etc. A few years ago when she was 14 we had a big family get together which included long standing friends of the family. I was the host and so looking forward to it and seeing these friends that I hadn't seen for a long time. The 'aunt' as we used to call her looked at my dsd like she was a piece of crap and gave my nephews money for a treat and completely left her out. Also when my 'uncle' was taking an
interest in her she tried to stop him talking to her. I will never invite her to my house again.

zippey · 13/08/2014 15:47

YANBU - I would say its almost unforgivable.

I would treat your mother the same way I would treat someone who made racist comments to a child of another ethnicity ie "I wouldnt give him a present because he is black".

The fear is that her attitude towards the older children will create a division in your family which otherwise would not be there. Young children can be very cruel when they want to be.

Lonelynessie · 13/08/2014 15:48

YANBU! Not at all, they are being raised as brothers - they are brothers full stop. Disgraceful behavior from the GM, and potentially quite damaging. Really spiteful and hurtful actually, I feel sad for you. Please don't back down over this, having been in a similar situation when I was younger (having half sisters where I was very much treated differently), I can tell you the emotions run deep and to this day have not been forgotten.

coppertop · 13/08/2014 15:49

Your teenagers are your 4yr-old's brothers in every way that matters.

And a good grandmother would not take it upon herself to tell a 4yr-old that their perception of their own family was all wrong.

A good grandmother would also not show favouritism - especially in such a blatant way that even a 4yr-old could spot it.

flippinada · 13/08/2014 15:50

Malicious old witch. As others have pointed out, this isn't someone being blunt or foot-in-mouth, it's actively cruel. Telling a 4 year old boy his adopted older siblings 'aren't his proper brothers' and deliberately not buying them presents is so nasty.

Is this completely out of the blue of does she have form for this type of behaviour?

sunflower49 · 13/08/2014 15:52

YADNU. They ARE your children, you have a blended family, which is still a proper family, a brilliant thing for you and your DH to do and if your little ones and the older boys themselves have the ability to be happy with that then a grown woman should be, too.

Sorry if that's abrupt-but I feel quite strongly about things like this. To say it in front of your children is cruel and abusive IMO.

alsmutko · 13/08/2014 15:53

This made me feel sad.
I have no contact with the father of my dd (domestic violence) and in any case he said his parents were dead. My parents sadly died over 10 years ago. So I feel quite lucky that my partner's parents are wonderful 'step-grandparents' (in quote because dp has not legally adopted my dd). They don't have any 'real' grandchildren so I have no idea how it would compare but they've always been really generous, both with their time and their gifts. I'm sure she looks on them as real grandparents.

Reassure the boys that granny is mistaken and confused. Demand an apology and insist on equal treatment for all. Doesn't have to be a vast sum of money if she's thinking that she couldn't afford to treat all (if that comes into it at all - could it be an excuse albeit a mean one?). But do try to build bridges if you can - she is your mother and the grandparent to ALL your children.

flippinada · 13/08/2014 15:53

I also think your sister needs to mind her own business - although I suspect she's been given a heavily edited version of what happened by your mum and may have a different opinion if she knows the full truth.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you could have a reasonable chat with your sister about this?

alsmutko · 13/08/2014 15:55

Reminds me a little of a tale my dp told - he introduced himself, his then partner and her ds to someone who then introduced them as 'this is XX and his pretend family'. Rude!

flippinada · 13/08/2014 15:55

NB - obviously you aren't obliged to answer those questions, just some things you might wish to consider.

Numanoid · 13/08/2014 16:00

YANBU. I think your family (you, DC and DH) sound wonderful, and it's so nice that all children get on so well and no-one is treated differently by yourself or DH.

What a nasty old witch, let her moan about staying in a hotel, she deserves it.

RedToothBrush · 13/08/2014 16:03

Why is she being so daft....

Instead of just 2 grandchildren, she could have 5 wonderful grandchildren to be proud of. You are a package deal as a family. Buy 2 get 3 free! She doesn't get to pick and choose which she likes. Instead she has actively chosen not to accept the family unit, so let her sulk away in the hotel, until she understands that she needs to support you as a family and realise saying things like that can destroy relationships, create conflict and undermine self confidence in all the children.

What difference will it actually make to the younger children, when they eventually find out the truth? Would your sister like to elaborate on why its such a bad thing?

Your 4 year old was spot on when he said "'well they are my brothers so how come they aren't your grandsons?'. 4 years old and he can articulate and understand family better than your mother.

Do you have any brothers and sisters? Did she ever have a favourite?

flippinada · 13/08/2014 16:03

Have just re-read the OP and it seems that sister and mum are cut from the same cloth. Charming pair.

wolfe you are not over-reacting. What your mum did was awful. I think it's in the realms of unforgivable, but of course that's for your and your family to decide. I really feel for you.

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 16:04

I agree ADHDnoodles but she has done more than just say this to her GS, she has actively bought some presents and eliminated others. It's far more actively cruel than being thoughtless or blunt.

Agreed. :)

Was just pointing out that even if it was just a matter of being thoughtless and blunt, it wouldn't be an excuse for this either.

flippinada · 13/08/2014 16:04

*you and your family. Apologies for typos.

ziggy13 · 13/08/2014 16:36

YANBU. My mother is a nightmare for this regarding my DSS(15) and is always emphasising the 'half' brother aspect to my youngest two who are 2 & 4. She is actually now no longer welcome in my house and I take the two youngest to meet her in a public space and if she starts on the 'half' thing we leave.

This occoured after she visited while I was telling my 2yo DS off for hitting DSS. He was in time out and my mother went over to him and asked why he told her and she said, loudly enough for DSS to hear, 'oh that doesn't matter, he's your half brother, you only have to be half as nice to him'. Me and FH were fuming and as I said she is no longer welcome.

Also, what is her relationship like with your DH? Is that bad? The only reason I ask is that I also have a 15yo DS who is also technically a half brother to my two younger kids buty mother never picks up on this. I think she I awful to DSS because she doesn't like DH.

Anyway, her behaviour is awful and I hope all five of your sons are okay

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/08/2014 16:47

Your mum and sister have behaved terribly. Absolutely you should limit time with them until they have apologised and assured you it will not happen again.

eyebags63 · 13/08/2014 16:50

Dear god, YANBU!!!! What the hell was she thinking... I guess her true colours have come out now. Keep her away from your DC, she is clearly toxic.

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