To not even consider talking to my mum until she apologises?

[wolfe1]

My mother is a fantastic grandparent to my two biological children (who are 4 and nearly 1) - spoils them rotten, plays with them, loves spending time with them ect. However, she is not so good with either DH's son(15) or the two boys we adopted a few years ago (14 and 16). She has never been outwardly rude or made it clear they are not family (until this) but spends far less on gifts for them ect.

She lives in a different country so we don't actually see her that often but she was/is visiting at the moment and, as usual, is staying at our house. She bought loads of gifts for the younger boys but nothing for the older 3 stating they are too old for presents. She was playing with my 4yo yesterday and they were using the gifts she bought (which included a couple of sets of lego) me and DH were in the room but not actively playing with them. My 4yo said to her something along the lines of 'you could buy (older 3 DS's names) lego like you did me because they still play with it' and my mother response was 'well I'm not going to get them a present, they aren't my grandsons, not like you and (name of 1yo)' to which my son said 'well they are my brothers so how come they aren't your grandons?' and before either me or DH could step in she said 'they aren't your proper brothers, not like (name of 1yo)'

My DH went mad and told her to leave and she did. Despite a talk from my DH 4yo DS is still quite upset and confused and even asked the 14 if they were 'real' brothers yesterday because 'nanna said they weren't'. All the older boys have been fab big brothers to DS and it must of been horrible for my 14yo to hear him say that. I'm fuming at my mother and have told her not to bother contacting me unless it is an apology.

I got a call from my sister this morning saying i was being ridiculous and over reacting and the technically they were not brothers and the 4yo will have to learn this one day eventually. My mother is apparently upset because she's had to stay in a hotel and isn't seeing her grandchildren.

Anyway, I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable about this or not. On the one hand i think my mother was totally in the wrong to say that, but on the other hand, maybe I am being slightly over emotional. I know that one day it will need explaining to my 4yo but he can't really understand the ins and outs of it the minuet and sees all of them as his big brothers, and statement like that do upset him (he is quite emotional).

So basically am I over reacting or not?

[angelohsodelight]

I'm glad you made her leave, YANBU. There is nothing to discuss. She apologises and treats all kids the same from this moment onward.

[Pico2]

YANBU. There are some really limited circumstances that I can imagine where people might be reasonable to treat step-siblings differently (e.g. DSS has inherited millions from his GPs on the other side, you might reflect this in your will by leaving more to your other DC). But on a day-to-day basis, all of your DC need and deserve to be treated equally and see themselves as part of your family. The visit of a GP certainly isn't one of those rare circumstances when treating step-DC differently is appropriate. As for treating adopted children differently, I really can't see any circumstance where this would be appropriate.

[Chiana]

I think you absolutely did the right thing, OP. You have to come down hard on something like this, or you send a message that it’s allowed for her to drip poison in your children’s ears. Which sounds melodramatic, I know, but it’s a melodramatic thing she’s doing, favouring her bio grandkids over her other grandkids this much. Most people would at least be a little sneakier about it!

3 of your DC are teenagers, and teens already feel insecure about their place in their family, even if they’re not adopted. No, it wouldn’t be pleasant for them to overhear that conversation, or to be left out of the presents, but I’m sure your and your DH’s swift and no-nonsense response sent a reassuring message to them that even if their granny doesn’t care, their parents do.

Hopefully your mum just needed a swift kick, and the shock will cause her to re-evaluate her choices. However, be prepared for her not to budge, or to say she’s budging, and then get sneakier about the way she favours the 2 youngest DC. I would be very vigilant with her, and encourage your kids to tell you if she says anything that makes them uncomfortable when she’s alone with them. As for your sister, they’re not her kids. You have to do what’s right for your family, not just what’s easiest to keep the peace between you and your mum.