To be shocked at how many people think having no contact with family is normal?

[dogscatsandbabies]

I'm a lurker. Can't help it, I find AIBU gets me through many a night feed. I'm always totally shocked at how blasé some posters can be when giving advice "she sounds unbearable to me, I'd go NC" and similar phrases.

Really? Just like that you'd advise someone you don't know to break all ties with a relative over a situation you've only heard one side of, creating a family situation that can become unbearable for husbands / wives / siblings who are very literally stuck in the middle?

I know there are some situations when decisions are taken not to see family anymore for various good reasons but I'd seriously hope these were carefully considered and thought through in time given the wider impact it can have. NC just seems so normal to so many. Is it just me that thinks (safety of children etc aside) most problems are at least worth working on?

Mardy, that thread you linked to is scary. I'm feeling claustrophobic reading it, and I'm nothing to do with those people.

I've read a lot of threads from adult children talking about NC: they sound hurt, lost, abandoned and scared of their parents; worried about the consequences of going NC for themselves, their parents and the rest of the family.

That thread from the parents' POV (and it's only one thread, so may not be representative), is all about hurt, anger, control and possessiveness. I Love you therefore I own you, but I hate you so much I'm going to cut your image out of a photo of My Grandchildren. Plotting ways to intrude on the family. Going to court for access to grandchildren: "Don't take no for an answer: you're entitled!"

It's exactly like a stalker - but a socially acceptable one because the Love that justifies all is a mother's Love.

It's certainly not a sort of love that cares about the object's happiness and welfare at all.

language is powerful delph

As anyone who has experienced emotional abuse will tell you.

pausing I'd left the thread but just saw my name on active convos. Tbh I'd only skimmed that particular Gransnet thread. I'd lurked on one a while back which was v sad to read, full of practical advice ( tips like: apologise even if you think you're not in the wrong, never offer unsolicited advice, don't overstay welcome etc). I couldn't find that so linked to the first one I could.

(Thank you, Adam's. I have to admit, any personal attack went straight over my head. Perhaps I've had reason to develop a thick skin over my life!)

You're a better woman than I am, looking!

precisely adam

sorry, that was re your previous post!

Yes, I was expecting to see what you describe, Mardy: after all, needy, controlling, self-obssessed people are young parents before they're estranged grandparents.

But that particular thread's a Dummy's Guide to Dysfunctional Families. Not all the posters on it, but some... phew.

arf petula

But I'm getting a bit TAAT here, so should stop.

But some reasons are petty
Your partner is also the results of their family -nature or nurture they get their genes from their family- and so will your children- you don't get to choose!

delphiniumsblue, Sorry, but your sentence “you don’t get to choose as your kids get their genes from their family” is utter bollocks in as far as they ONLY get their genes from their family, they only get the NATURE bit inherited from their family, the NURTURE bit they get from their daily life. And you do get 100% choice in that.

The nature parts our children are just born with, there might not be a lot we can do about that, you can’t change genetics after all. But the nurture part of our children we can do everything about, that’s the play-dough bit that we (and society in general) get to mould and make and shape.

Do you understand that someone chooses no contact with toxic people because of the nurture part? Because of the danger toxic family members pose to the mental well-being of not just ourselves, but our children too? If you look at personality disorders for instance, they may not be diagnosed until after 18 yrs of age, but they are patterns of behavior learned in childhood years, more often than not in the very early childhood years.

By going no contact with toxic grandparents I might not be able to totally eliminate the chance of my child developing a personality disorder, but I can greatly reduce my child’s chance of getting a PD compared to the chance that my siblings had of developing a personality disorder as they were exposed to my toxic PD mother daily.

I know you don’t want you words analyzed, but it’s hard not to when you spout such utter shite.

Good ord delphinium I would take the opportunity not to come back to this thread because you really are talking BS 100%

"either you are a family person or you are not"

I'm a family person too, I just can't have the type of family I want when the relationship with my mum is lingering in the background.
I want to play happy families but I can't, I want her to be a positive part of my children's lives, this can't happen while she continues to act the way she does, with no sincere apologies or attempts to change her ways.

MN has opened my eyes to her behaviour and I see many people share similar experiences, I'm very grateful for the shared stories.

I don't want to be seen to hold a grudge by people who don't understand my relationship with my own mother.
I also don't want someone to act smug and reel off all the lovely events they've got planned with their family as they 'work at it' cos you cant choose your family.

Horribly smug and very judgemental, upsets me a bit.

I have friends who have gone NC with parents. I completely understand, not judge them for their decision.

I am a family person but am NC with my mother as are my siblings. This thread is a feast of insults

i think it's "being a family person" that often keeps people tied to an abusive relative. they crave a family that is loving and robust enough to incorporate everyone's differences and disagreements, and enjoy spending time together and support each other. it's a huge wrench to realise that the happy family they want may not be able to include that abusive person

Yanbu. I don't know a single person in real life who has no contact with a family member!

read the thread slightlyconfused

*"I never knew any of my grandparents and, trust me, it leaves a hole."- how does it "leave a hole"? If it's something you have never known, then you just live with it.

I grew up without a brother- that didn't "leave a hole"*

Completely agree. I grew up with my maternal grandparents and my mother only. It's never occurred to me to fret about non-existent relatives I never had.

thatniceperson

I know, it's hilarious that "either you are a family person or you are not" statement. I could just see me trying to be a family person with my husband's mother and father or my own mother and father. It would be like trying to be a good (elderly female) patient with Harold Shipman as your GP. I think someone like delphiniumsblue just doesn't get that I (or you or others on this thread) could be THE MOST family oriented person in the history of the world, but it's useless as we don't have a "normal" family to work with. It's a bit like expecting a Jensen Button to win the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix in a Fiat Panda. "Come on Jensen, you big jessie, you're either a car driver or you're not". Never mind even thinking about the tools he has to work with. Give me a set of functional parents and a functional mother and father-in-law and I will show you what a family person I am. But back in the real world, with parents and inlaws I have, I can only show you how "no contact" looks.

I wish I knew LESS about my grandparents on my mums side, she should have gone nc with them. They're horrendous, far worse than my own Mother!
I don't feel like I missed out on not having grandparents, everyone else seems to feel sorry for me though

^ A phenomenal example of the reason it's important to RTFT.

Whoopsie.

Not you niceperson.

I meant 5 up but the bloody arrows didn't come out right

I love your Jensen analogy slow.