To be shocked at how many people think having no contact with family is normal?

[dogscatsandbabies]

I'm a lurker. Can't help it, I find AIBU gets me through many a night feed. I'm always totally shocked at how blasé some posters can be when giving advice "she sounds unbearable to me, I'd go NC" and similar phrases.

Really? Just like that you'd advise someone you don't know to break all ties with a relative over a situation you've only heard one side of, creating a family situation that can become unbearable for husbands / wives / siblings who are very literally stuck in the middle?

I know there are some situations when decisions are taken not to see family anymore for various good reasons but I'd seriously hope these were carefully considered and thought through in time given the wider impact it can have. NC just seems so normal to so many. Is it just me that thinks (safety of children etc aside) most problems are at least worth working on?

[flippinada]

So, koala you read people pouring their hearts out, telling deeply personal and hurtful stories and thought that was an appropriate thing to say? Wow.

Something else that has occurred to me, I wonder if some people imagine no contact as being this big, dramatic declaration/confrontation - that's not necessarily the case. It can mean simply not getting in touch with someone.

[SlowRedCar]

koala when you come across these threads where people advocate NC for totally minor or spurious reasons like the grandparents giving too many sweets to the kids, do you speak out and tell them how stupid they are being? On the actual threads where it is being said? I wouldn't be able to control myself if I witnessed (which I never ever have) such sledgehammer to crack a nut type of advice. Are you sure you are not just exaggerating for effect here?

[KoalaDownUnder]

All the deeply personal and hurtful stories were about abuse - which I clearly said was not included in my statement!

[KoalaDownUnder]

SlowRedCar, no, I admit I never have...often because they're old threads, or because there are already several pages of posts encouraging the OP to overreact (not all of them saying 'no contact', but some of them), and I don't really want to get lynched.

I absolutely DO NOT think anyone who has told terrible stories on this thread overreacted, though. I sincerely apologise for implying that.

[mysticpizza]

Yes. Yes I absolutely have a personal axe to grind about someone I don't know having a different opinion to me on the net. Busted

You have claimed to have seen non joke threads where someone has been advised to go NC for a trivial reason. Link or I shall be forced to conclude it hasn't happened.

[SlowRedCar]

Something else that has occurred to me, I wonder if some people imagine no contact as being this big, dramatic declaration/confrontation - that's not necessarily the case. It can mean simply not getting in touch with someone.

I think a lot of people do envisage that kind of dramatic scenario.

With me it was no more or no less than my mother having one of her weekly meltdowns and me saying "mum, I can't deal with this right now, I am tired, have bad period cramps and I think I am coming down with the flu. I am sorry I have to go. But I will call you tomorrow, promise, love you, bye". And then simply not going back or calling. Ever.

There was zero drama from my side, then, or over 2 decades on.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Conclude whatever you wish. As I said before, I'm not going to dig up specific threads about other people's problems. I don't understand why you think I, or the OP, would pretend to notice this if we hadn't.

[bethcutler13]

Of course it's easier said than done. But someone times it's necessary. And most people are rational enough to not decide to cut off all contact from a family member because a stranger on mumsnet said to do so. I've been told to go NC with my mil repeatedly on here but as a rational person I am yet to do so, I'm busy assessing the situation and deciding what's right and what is the lesser of two evils.
I can see where both sides are coming from, some days I wish id gone NC the moment it was mentioned.
Every situation is different and as adults we accept responsibility over how to handle the situation at hand, as helpful as mumsnet advise can be it's not professional advise and everyone should remember that.

[mysticpizza]

SlowRedCar - I appreciate our experience isn't everybody's.

I'm so glad going NC brought you some peace and a drama free life

[mysticpizza]

koala Rest assured.

I've concluded.

[SlowRedCar]

SlowRedCar, no, I admit I never have...often because they're old threads, or because there are already several pages of posts encouraging the OP to overreact (not all of them saying 'no contact', but some of them), and I don't really want to get lynched.

I wish you would get involved on the threads it happens on. An internet lynching doesn't hurt, lol, I promise. Hell we're both on the airline-recline thread and I was called a selfish wanker on that after 11 pages of YABU replies, when one or two of us popped up with YANBU. That's just the net.

I do kind of see what you mean though.

I think LTB is used far too often and far too readily on MN. It's the go to reply for any marital problems. Just LTB. Problem fixed.

However, there are very many threads where a woman or women are rightly being advised to LTB, as they are in very abusive and horrendous relationships. I would NEVER EVER chose one of those genuine-abuse threads to say I think LTB is bandied around too much on MN. I would say it in the threads where LTB is being advised for trivial reasons.

And with all due respect, I think that was a mistake on your part on this thread, to have read it, to have seen all the genuine replies, then to chose this particular thread as the one where you finally say "yes NC is bandied about in here for silly reasons like giving the grandkids too many sweets".

It's not so much what you said, but where you said it, that I personally find a bit off.

But hey you apologised, so I am not rubbing it in. Promise. Peace and all that! Besides I am sure this wanker has an airlines seats battle to wage. lol.

[Legionofboom]

I don't really understand why people should have to justify going NC.

Where does a relative 'being a bit difficult' end and abuse begin? Who gets to decide?

If someone on MN has suggested going NC as an option then surely it's just that. An option. (Disclaimer I have never seen this done for a trivial reason unless it was a joke)

Also, often when people post on MN, the problem they talk about isn't really the problem at all and there is far more going on underneath. Therefore in response to the OP of a thread it might seem ridiculously flippant to say "go NC" but 8 pages in and the real backstory has come to light it can be a very different situation.

[combust22]

legion - I agree.

I have lots of relatives that I don't keep in touch with- why do I need to even justify that? I have the rich snotty cousin who comments on my kids' "cheap shoes" and gives me a running total of the savings she has. My alcoholic chain smoking uncle, my rabidly christian sister who wastes no time in trying to cast out demons from my kids and my house, my cousin who has spent most of his adult life in prison for violent crimes.

These are not people I would choose to asscociate with when choosing my friends- I don't see why I should change my criteria just because we have some genes in common.

I don't get the judgement on this thread. Why do we even need "good reasons" to have NC? "Bad" reasons are fine with me.

If I don't hit it off with my relatives then I don't see why I should have to have a relationship with them- if we don't hit it off as individuals I am not going to waste my time making small talk and spending precious days in their company just because someone says so.

[KoalaDownUnder]

It's not so much what you said, but where you said it, that I personally find a bit off.

That's fair enough, and you're right. I guess it was one of those OP's that I read and think, ooh, I've thought that lots of times! And then rushed through the rest of the thread (reading it, but perhaps not as thoughtfully as I should) to post my own opinion.

Not cool. I apologise.

[PausingFlatly]

for Koala

[Meerka]

slowred when you never picked up the phone again, did you mother try to contact you? or did she just let it drift?

sometimes one person wants to go quietly NC and the other uses that (along with any other tiny excuse) to make huge drama. Actually I imagine that many poisonous parents woudl make a drama about it. It's the neglectful ones don't care if their children never call.

[SlowRedCar]

Meerka, my NC was around 25 yrs ago. Caller-i.d. didn't exist then. And yes she called, and did loads of other attention seeking things too, but they petered out in a few short months when she saw I was serious and not "biting" to any drama bait. I changed phone number back then, once. The new number was ex-directory (secret). Anyone given my new number then had strict instructions that it couldn't get back to my mum or dad. About 18 yrs or so ago caller-i.d. came in, and I have just filtered my calls that way since then. She has tried to reel me in various times, I just don't bite. I think that's the important....never take the bait they leave out.

I have never told anyone outside my very immediate family this story, I hope it's not derailing or out of place.

When I was living abroad, and she had no idea of even what my address was at that point (this is about 18 yrs in to NC), she got in touch with the Salvation Army in the UK and reported me as a missing person, from a loving caring family, who had just lost touch with their much beloved daughter/sister when she had moved to another country and an address book with important details got lost.

Now this was horrendous (and quite funny too) as the country I live in now is very big on personal privacy. Anyway the UK Salvation Army got in touch with the Salvation Army in this country. But no council or government body here will give out names and addresses at all, it's not like in the UK where the voters register and other things are public knowledge. Anyway, the salvation army in this country engaged the services of a lawyer/solicitor with a very strict privacy agreement in place, and that lawyer was able to get my name and address from my local council and contacted me to tell me my loving mother was searching high and low for me.

The "search" for me took 18 months from my mum starting it in the UK to me getting the lawyers letter here. They did an awful lot of work. All on a pro-bono, humanitarian, voluntary basis. Imagine the look on that poor lawyer blokes face when I called him up the next day, and explained I wasn't lost. I had just disowned my mother 18 yrs previous, as she well fucking knew. I told the lawyer that all my siblings, most of them live within walking distance of my mother, all have my address, phone number and contact details and all of them are in contact with me fairly regularly. And my mother knows all that. She will always ask sibs etc to share photos or tell things about me or my life.

She just loves the drama of being able to tell her new unwitting friends victims who don't know the backstory, about her lost beloved daughter, who she misses so much, who just got mysteriously lost in a move abroad. And how she, the loving mother, hired in international rescue, a.k.a The salvation army who work for free across the globe, to find the poor lost mite who was no doubt pining for her mammy dearest.

So no, she never just let me slip into a quiet, peaceful NC, she tried lots of weird and wonderful things, but I refused to bite to her bait(s) and managed on the whole for it to be drama-free. It was just a question of remaining a 100% resolute and not showing any chinks in my armour.

I hope none of that was inappropriate to the thread.

[SlowRedCar]

Not cool. I apologise.

no worries koala, I said earlier I wasn't rubbing it in, and there was no need to apologise twice. But it does really mean a lot to me that you see what I/we mean.

have a on me!

but OY! make sure your seat is in the upright position

[SlowRedCar]

These are not people I would choose to asscociate with when choosing my friends- I don't see why I should change my criteria just because we have some genes in common.

Combust, good points! Indeed, toxicity is not the only valid reason for NCing family. There are many people in the world I wouldn't like myself or my children exposed to. And you are all right about ....why the heck do any of us feel we have to justify our NC actions. I'm definitely guilty of that in this thread, and in life in general. And maybe it's time I stopped feeling I have to. to you all.

oh and I don't mean I mind answering a question like Meerka just asked, but I am bloody stupid to waste my breath typing on someone with such set in stone, narrow-minded views as Delphi earlier on.

[Floisme]

Goodness I posted on the first page of this thread and didn't plan on coming back. However I've now read it all through and heard peoples' stories and feel a complete arse.

My comments were mostly a reaction to many of the mother-in-law threads that appear on here - some of which I do find quite upsetting. Also, as I said, I feel sad about never knowing any of my grandparents (although I accept that I may well have an idealised view). However those are topics for another thread entirely. I would never advocate staying in an abusive relationship and I apologise unreservedly for any upset or offence my comments may have caused.

[Meerka]

slow, thank you for being brave enough to post that. I'm touched. I hope it wasn't painful, even though it has been many years.

floisme ... thank you too. I am NC with 1 family atm, went no contact with a very close female relative in the past and have very low contact with my father, sadly. None of it was what I wanted, all of it was very difficult and still haunts me years later. But without any doubt at all it was the right decision each time. It takes a LOT to get to the point where you don't invite either your father or your mother to your wedding and realise that it was the right thing to do.

I came to the conclusion that you cannot as an adult live under the thumb of people who wish to control you at every turn. You have to live your ownlife.

But I miss a close family whom I could go back to. When the shit hits the fan, a family's the place you wish you could go back to and you long for that. But you can't. It hurts.

[SlowRedCar]

meerkat , no worries, no pain at all, just utter and total embarrassment at the salvation army and voluntary lawyers giving their time and expertise for free, only to be conned by my drama llama mama.

flo, you were certainly not the person who set my teeth on edge. Only one person did that, and I didn’t miss her and hit the wall in stating that directly to her. I do however find it very touching that you’ve read the thread and have the decency to feel embarrassed, when you have zero need to! Cheers to you!

But I miss a close family whom I could go back to. When the shit hits the fan, a family's the place you wish you could go back to and you long for that. But you can't. It hurts.

I hear you! I feel you.
(not in a pervy way I hasten to add)

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

NC is not dramatic always. It is slow, painful and deeply personal. All the peacocking on both sides of this thread has made me sad. It's so hard being NC, almost like being cut adrift. It's not an easy way out, but neither is it a badge of honour, making drama for drama's sake.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Cheers, SlowRedCar and PausingFlatly, I appreciate it.


reclines sloooooowly

[ADHDNoodles]

However, I didn't at all agree with Noodle's point about having to have some special kind of willpower to avoid all the games and drama and BS after NC. That was not my experience at all. Pre NC it was impossible to avoid the drama/games/bullshit. After NC it was a doddle.

I'm glad it worked out.

I just mean that the people you're still in contact with in the family (unless the entire family sucks) will inevitably pass along 2nd hand info about what's going on. You'll still hear what the person "has to say" without being able to respond to it. If you tell person passing along the info they are mistaken, that's not what happened or how it is, it gets back through the pipeline eventually.

At least in my family.

But they don't really know when to shut up.