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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this 'event'- SIL being a twat

135 replies

Amadeupname · 11/08/2014 16:47

NC.

DP's brother got married three years ago. We don't have much to do with them apart from (approximately) monthly phone calls and we'll drop in if we're in their area and vice versa. We live about 50 miles apart.

They came over at the weekend and we randomly for another reason had some old photo albums out when they turned up. So we were looking through their wedding pictures and suddenly SIL got really funny with me. She didn't say anything but went all quiet and stopped looking and was really 'off' with me when I asked her if she wanted a drink, about work etc.

Later that night BIL called to say thanks for a nice afternoon and to apologise for SIL's mood. I said 'I hope it wasn't anything I'd done'. He said 'No, no, you know just one of those things'. I heard her in the background saying 'It was not one of those things' and she took the phone off him and basically had a massive go at me about how I'd ruined her wedding because (a) I'd worn trousers and (b) I'd worn black and white.

I didn't think she was particularly Bridezilla but maybe she was actually. I didn't say a word during the phone call (she just ranted at me) because I'm a grown woman and I'm not going to have a slanging match over the phone with another grown woman over what I chose to wear one day two years ago.

Anyway, SIL has arranged a charity BBQ thing near her house which we said we'd go to ages ago for moral support even though it's massively out of our way. I've now told DP I won't be going but he can go without me if he wants. He says I'm BU. I say I'm not. Am I?

OP posts:
ElleDiamond · 11/08/2014 17:05

I would go and wear the same outfit you wore to her wedding Grin

scarletforya · 11/08/2014 17:06

Black and white is fine. She is a stupid woman. I wouldn't go.

Bustarhymes · 11/08/2014 17:06

SIL = demented.

Go to the BBQ, it's not worth falling out over. Eat and drink a lot.

Original poster
Amadeupname · 11/08/2014 17:08

Happy By drink I actually meant a cuppa tea.

Thanks MN, you've made me feel much better about the whole thing. I'm still undecided whether I'm going to go. I like to think my decision will be couched in some moral and emotional dilemma about family loyalty but actually I might just see how I feel and what the weather's doing closer to the time Blush

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 11/08/2014 17:08

Yanbu, she has issues if she is upset over this 2 years later! I can't see what the problem was with your clothes.
Why does your DH think YOU are the unreasonable one, and what did he have to say about her ranting at you.

BrianButterfield · 11/08/2014 17:08

A white dress is a bit inappropriate at a wedding but white trousers/black top is fine.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 11/08/2014 17:08

That's really odd. And very annoying.

I'm usually of the brisk zero tolerance tendency when it comes to this kind of bad behaviour, but is it really a good idea not to go to the barbecue?

SIL seems to like blowing trivial things into big dramas, if this incident is anything to go by. Is she engineering a fall-out, or just very immature? Because if you don't go, a wider rift is very likely. Gives the whole thing (trouser) legs, so to speak.

If you do go, and ignore the very existence of the bizarre monochro-trouso outburst, you will have been sensible and SIL will quite possibly be even more annoyed that you clearly don't care.

So on balance, I say go.

magentastardust · 11/08/2014 17:13

It isn't really the done thing to wear white at a wedding, if you turned up in a white full on dress then I can understand her being a bit miffed however what was the problem with white trousers and black top unless she was wearing exactly the same outfit.
She has definitely over reacted and owes you an apology about her phone rant.

I would go but be tempted to put in a sarky phone call first to get approval on your planned outfit. (sorry I know that isn't helpful)

LauraChant · 11/08/2014 17:13

To be honest I don't think it's the done thing to wear trousers to a wedding or to wear white without getting clearance from the bride first.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read. Yes, don't wear a long white dress and a veil. But white trousers? Or a white top? that is insane.

And what on earth is the matter with trousers at a wedding? My sister wore a black and white top and black trousers to my wedding. If she had sought clearance I would have thought she was insane.

Original poster
Amadeupname · 11/08/2014 17:14

Abbie That's very sensible and I absolutely don't want any kind of rift that involves me in any way. I have no idea if she's trying to engineer something or if she just genuinely is that immature. I don't know her well enough at all to say.

Lucky DP thinks I'm BU to not go and I should rise above it. He was v v v pissed off when she was ranting down the phone. He wanted to call them back and have a pop back but I convinced him not to. He calmed down and we had a laugh about it over a bottle of wine.

OP posts:
magentastardust · 11/08/2014 17:16

I would also make personalised xmas cards for the family this year-using the wedding photo's of you in your offending wedding ruining outfit :)

Yama · 11/08/2014 17:17

I link the sound of your outfit. Actually, I have white linen trousers and a black halter neck and have never put them together. So thanks. Smile

Anyway, YANBU and I'd be pretty miffed if dh didn't get miffed on my behalf.

Yama · 11/08/2014 17:17

Sorry, cross post. I can see that your dp was miffed.

Original poster
Amadeupname · 11/08/2014 17:19

Yama It did look really nice and I got lots of lovely comments. And actually it was something a bit different for a wedding as well where most women were in dresses and heels. I had patent peep toe flat sling backs with a bit diamante bow.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 11/08/2014 17:20

Shit! I think someone ruined my wedding but i didn't realise at the time. This thread has opened my eyes. I'm off to make a phonecall..... Grin

upthedamnwotsit · 11/08/2014 17:20

No way in hell would I be going. Someone who rants down the phone at you for something you did two years ago clearly doesn't like you or is so full of resentment that it might as well be the same thing. And you said it's massively out of your way- even more reason. Don't put yourself out for people who treat you like dirt, no matter who they are.

Fairenuff · 11/08/2014 17:20

I would go to the BBQ and be extremely pleasant. I wouldn't mention the trouser incident at all but smile sweetly and chatter away. She will be fuming that she hasn't affected you at all, that you aren't sorry and that you clearly think she is being more than a little silly.

But she won't be able to do anything about it without making herself look even more unreasonable.

RonaldMcDonald · 11/08/2014 17:21

Sometimes people have/hold weird ideas about things

If I were you I'd speak to your SIL
I'd explain nicely that I wasn't aware of her family's strict adherance to the rules regarding trousers, white and black at weddings and had I been of course I would have borne them in mind before choosing my outfit

I would do this because it was ages ago
It obviously pissed her off
She's clearly a tool

Mainly I'd do this becasue your H is her H's brother. It is important that any petty insanity doesn't come between that
BE the bigger and better dressed person - oh and go to the BBQ

Yama · 11/08/2014 17:21

Could you wear the outfit to the charity bbq?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/08/2014 17:21

Dear god. She must be smoking something pretty strong.

Original poster
Amadeupname · 11/08/2014 17:21

Apocalypse If it was your SIL especially, you should definitely call and rant immediately.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 11/08/2014 17:21

Ask her if there's a dress code for the bbq....

Zucker · 11/08/2014 17:22

To be honest I don't think it's the done thing to wear trousers to a wedding or to wear white without getting clearance from the bride first.

So by this reasoning a bride/groom who is most likely in the middle of planning the upcoming wedding has now to find the time to yay or nay individual guests outfits. Ridiculous!

OP I wouldn't go to her precious bbq either, she's made her bed now let her lie in it. There's only so much being the bigger person a person can do, before it's called being a doormat.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 11/08/2014 17:28

Holy crap, three female relatives incl SIL turned up in trousers on our wedding day...so gonna have words!

Amadeup Just do what you feel comfortable doing, if that means not going then so be it.

Although I'm really tempted to suggest you go to this bbq event dressed as half a pantomime cow... a black and white one obviously Wink

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 11/08/2014 17:31

To be honest I don't think it's the done thing to wear trousers to a wedding or to wear white without getting clearance from the bride first.

Even if that's so, ranting about it ^two years later* is very strange, no?

If it were that bad, you'd get someone to raise it quietly on the day, or very shortly afterwards. But if you didn't think it was worth complaining about at the time, how is it worth having a row over all this time later?