To think that it's disrespectful to call a woman 'bitch' or anything else during sex?

[lottieandmia]

Particularly if it has not been agreed in advance.

This happened to me recently when I slept with someone new. I told him to stop and I told him not to do it again. I do not find it remotely sexy. He also spanked me which I was particularly annoyed about because I had asked him in advance not to do this, due to the fact that I had a very bad experience with BDSM in a relationship which was very abusive and damaging to me and which took counselling to sort out. I had flashbacks and everything before it was resolved! He knew all this and still he did it and I told him never to try it again.

I was pleased that since my counselling I was able to be assertive about stuff I don't like. It shows my boundaries are fixed to some extent at least.

But why would anyone think it was ok just to spring this on someone? To me it suggests possible deep rooted dislike of women. AIBU?

It's interesting because of the pornification of sex in general, many men might think this is normal or even desirable.

I don't think YABU.

You are correct, and well done for telling him and sticking up for yourself.
If its agreed beforehand, maybe as part of a role play scenario then thats different, but as you describe it... Thats completely unacceptable.
I would think very carefully about getting naked with this man again. You should feel safe and sexy during sexytimes, not tense and on edge, wondering if he's going to do it or anything else you don't like.

Bin him he sounds like an absolute tosser.

Calling a woman a bitch/slut/etc when the couple have not previously mutually agreed they are into this kind of thing is not ok.

I've had previous partners call me names etc when we've both agreed it's been a turn on. If a new partner did it out of the blue I would not be impressed and it would be a big red flag for me.

Oh and if a man had slapped me during sex when I asked him not to I would have bitten his nob off.

To be honest this is even worse than if he had just done it.

You actually specifically asked him not to do this and he deliberately stamped all over your boundary. He is showing you what to expect from him.

I would run.

Seriously.

I hope you are not planning any more dates with this man.

the question you asked i would say Yabu, because some women like that sort of sex life. However for you you don't like it and he should have respected that and to hit you as well when you have told him not to is not on.

I don't think it automatically means a dislike of women, but it should be agreed in advance if it's something that both partners like.

Well done on sticking to your guns.
Your body, your rules. End of.

YANBU

He stopped after I asked him but how will I know if he won't try this again.

There is no way I am going to allow myself to be in a situation where someone pushes and pushes me until they are doing things that hurt and damage me, like a previous partner did. You are all right that when you're naked you should feel completely safe.

I think that the fact he has done this so early on is a huge sign to run for the hills.

Some people like that sort of thing, fine. But unless you met at a fetish club surely you'd be getting to know what one another liked before jumping in with any kinky stuff.

Plus you're quite likely incompatible.

Is this mainly the fault of porn though?

I had already told him in no uncertain terms about the spanking. He is not stupid - he knew. And he still went ahead and did it.

Dump him, he sounds nasty.

In your case YANBU and well done for telling him not to do it.

I do think this has become normalised due to porn and the way women are treated by the media in general.

That said some people like it, but that should be clear in advance as pp have said.

he won't try it again because you won't be having sex with him again, surely?

Cross post. If he doesn't respect your wishes regarding a simple thing such as spanking then you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Disrespect like that is not on.

Whatever a couple agrees upon, with the full consent of both parties, is entirely their own business.

It's most definitely not on to spank you without your prior consent. It is beyond the pale to do when you had expressly said that you did not want him to do so.

The bitch thing, in isolation, I would be more prepared to let go, if and only if, you had not said in advance that you didn't want to be called those sorts of names, he was appropriately remorseful and apologetic and promised never to do it again.

However, it's not in isolation, is it? So that sheds a whole different light on it.

What was his attitude after the bitch incident? After the spanking incident? TBH, unless there is a huge amount of mea culpa and horror on his part at what he has done, I'd be running for the hills, as it sounds to me as if he doesn't respect you and won't respect the boundaries you want to establish.

YANBU - the sub sets the pace not the dom.

Dump and move on unconsented acts are paramount to sexual assault.

Bloody good point Breaking - it is the sub who is ultimately in control, so this guy just really doesn't 'get it' in any sense!

Sorry,old gimmer here but how the heck does anyone get turned on by being called vile,mysogynistic names.I don't mind a playfull tap on the bum but name calling is just so bleurgh.

You said in advance not to do it. He did it. Masssive red flag. If it had been an honest mistake, I'd still have been bloody annoyed but weighed it up against how he was the rest of the time.

But deliberately ignoring a clear boundary that you set = No way would I ever be in a situation with him where that could happen again.

You don't know that he'll never try it again. In fact I think he almost certainly will, because he did it the first time. Men who ignore what you say are not acceptable lovers.

why haven't you dumped him ?