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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's disrespectful to call a woman 'bitch' or anything else during sex?

100 replies

lottieandmia · 11/08/2014 12:32

Particularly if it has not been agreed in advance.

This happened to me recently when I slept with someone new. I told him to stop and I told him not to do it again. I do not find it remotely sexy. He also spanked me which I was particularly annoyed about because I had asked him in advance not to do this, due to the fact that I had a very bad experience with BDSM in a relationship which was very abusive and damaging to me and which took counselling to sort out. I had flashbacks and everything before it was resolved! He knew all this and still he did it and I told him never to try it again.

I was pleased that since my counselling I was able to be assertive about stuff I don't like. It shows my boundaries are fixed to some extent at least.

But why would anyone think it was ok just to spring this on someone? To me it suggests possible deep rooted dislike of women. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 22:54

This all sounds so grim

Sarah121 · 11/08/2014 22:59

Too many men watch porn and their little brains think it's reality. I am personally sick of being asked for anal (no way jose) or a tit wank. yawn

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/08/2014 23:09

If I had a son I would be concerned about how online porn could affect sexuality. It is a real worry these days when it's so accessible.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/08/2014 23:13

I think some people are practised at making you feel comfortable and then throwing something in. Looks like back to the drawing board for me...

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2014 23:19

One of my friends dated a man who encouraged BDSM, she went along with it for a while. Then he started choking her out during sex, using "toys" that weren't really toys against her permission.

He was a GP. Are you in London?

If he can't accept your basic rules in the bedroom now he will continue to over step them. Drop him like a sack of shit, now.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/08/2014 23:22

No, not in London. But it's possible that he worked in London before.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/08/2014 23:23

That sounds awful Alis. Did this come as a shock to her?

OP posts:
WitchWay · 11/08/2014 23:37

The whole idea of someone asking whether you'd allow spanking on the phone before you'd met is odd to me!

Never done OD though - I wouldn't know where to start.

Amethyst24 · 11/08/2014 23:48

WitchWay I agree. I think it's a massive mistake to get into talking about sex AT ALL when online dating until you've met the person. It's far too easy to waste your time being the wank fantasy of someone who has no intention of ever having a relationship with you.

Also, "How do you feel about spanking?" is basically Cunt for, "I'm going to spank you, know this."

WitchWay · 12/08/2014 00:07

Urgh - wank fantasy Sad

Agree - anything raised as a topic I'd assume was what they wanted to do

Original poster
lottieandmia · 12/08/2014 00:23

I have to say that now I think back his approach to certain things is somewhat strange and different from other people who would never mention those things.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 12/08/2014 00:24

I had already met him though quite some time ago before he started talking about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 13/08/2014 10:46

I told him what he did was not acceptable and he said he was sorry but he had been stressed at work. Confused

OP posts:
MostWicked · 13/08/2014 10:50

A feeble and completely unacceptable pitiful excuse for an excuse!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 13/08/2014 10:54

I completely agree MostWicked. I am definitely not going to see him again as it's obviously he sees me in a completely objectified way.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 14:32

Is that the best he could come up with Hmm

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 14:35

huh ? I have been stressed at work, we all have. It doesn't force you be a boundary-breaking sexual weirdo.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 14:36

I hope no woman in an abusive relationship goes to him for help in his personal nor his professional capacity Shock

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 14:48

Exactly AF Makes me glad that when ive got depressed about my situ and needed to talk ive always asked to see a female GP.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 14:52

One shouldn't bloody well have to though, DE < grr >

Original poster
lottieandmia · 13/08/2014 18:14

It's made me think twice I have to say. But when someone has a duty of care you assume that most of the time they will have a level of empathy towards others. Clearly not!

OP posts:
CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 14/08/2014 09:35

Me and DP, through almost two years of being together and 5 years of knowing each other, we have built up a lot of trust and I enjoy spanking, being called his "Good little girl/slut/whatever" because there is trust there.
You had a bad experience and asked him not to do this and he ignored you. I don't blame you for never seeing him again. Things like this should be agreed by both parties (i know you are aware of this OP by being in a BDSM relationship prior) and talked about afterwards if you didn't like anything. The scene should be stopped straight away if you don't like something. I can see why you find this unsexy.
I, however, don't find it objectifying as it is with my DP, and as I say, the trust that is there. If it was anyone else, I would have agreed beforehand and stopped instantly if he did something I don't like that has not been agreed by both parties. Sex is supposed to be consenting.
I don't find it disrespectful when it is with a partner you had built a relationship with and did this kind of thing on a regular, but, he has disrespected you by ignoring you so YANBU at all, OP. hope everything is well x

Original poster
lottieandmia · 14/08/2014 11:33

Well of course it's different when it's within trusting relationship but I think it's really dodgy to just do it on someone new who you don't know well. Thanks I have blocked him now. He will try to talk me round if I give him any explanation!

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 14/08/2014 11:42

Yes when I started the thread I intended the title to be in the context of you've never had sex before and they spring it on you. So apologies to anyone who might think I was criticising their sexual preferences - I'm really not.

OP posts:
CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 14/08/2014 12:55

I read the title first and as I was typing all that I thought... "better read the OP haven't i?! Grin "
it is dodgy yes, i'd have gone off on one... probably cried... haha!

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