To think that it's disrespectful to call a woman 'bitch' or anything else during sex?

[lottieandmia]

Particularly if it has not been agreed in advance.

This happened to me recently when I slept with someone new. I told him to stop and I told him not to do it again. I do not find it remotely sexy. He also spanked me which I was particularly annoyed about because I had asked him in advance not to do this, due to the fact that I had a very bad experience with BDSM in a relationship which was very abusive and damaging to me and which took counselling to sort out. I had flashbacks and everything before it was resolved! He knew all this and still he did it and I told him never to try it again.

I was pleased that since my counselling I was able to be assertive about stuff I don't like. It shows my boundaries are fixed to some extent at least.

But why would anyone think it was ok just to spring this on someone? To me it suggests possible deep rooted dislike of women. AIBU?

It's not what he did that was disrespectful, it's the fact that he did it without gaining your consent, even worse when you had specifically told him not to.
I would find that intolerable.

Dump him, dump him now. I'm all for a bit of experimentation in the bedroom, but you had made this expressly clear and he still did it anyway. This to me goes way past disrespecting you but makes me think he is actually cruel.

Get rid, move on.

I agree completely and I'm not going to see him again. We are not in a relationship - it's kind of at an early stage where I was trying to assess how we fit together. Not very well it seems!!

I absolutely agree that where two people have consented to something they both like, everything is fine if not illegal. I just don't get why people can't listen to what they're told. No doesn't mean yes.

Generally, people do listen to what they are told. It is creeps and abusers that do not.

BDSM gets some bad press and abusive people can use it as a pretense for violating people.

BDSM can be very intense but at the end of a session it should be positive fort all those involved. No mention of hard limits, safe words etc run a mile!

He doesn't listen to you because he doesn't respect your feelings when it comes to sex OP. Huge red flag!! Glad you're dumping you can do much better!!

I say this as a person who likes the name calling - but only when agreed previously!

Exactly breakingdad. I was in a terrible relationship years ago with an angry, abusive man who bit me, hit me and pulled my hair during sex and crushed my ribs when I did not want it. It was an awful, damaging experience.

Since then I have been clear with anyone new that I don't like this and please don't do it.

As others have alluded to, I am not struck that that some 'vanilla porn' includes gagging, choking, hard spanking, name calling etc and that men may start to think this is normal, and women that its expected without consent.

Oh god I agree with everyone else, do not have sex with this man again. He obviously does not respect your boundaries and seems to think he knows better than you as to what you should do in the bedroom.

I am not adverse to some dirty talk, but I think I would be pretty pissed off if my DP started calling me a slut or a bitch during sex. It's something that fits well in a fuck buddy relationship in my mind, where it's all hot and heavy, leave your inhibitions at the door. When there is love and genuine affection I think I would be quite irritated. Though I do like having my hair pulled sometimes

Yanbu re the calling you a bitch and spanking when you had specified it was a no.

But I don't think it is because of porn that some men ignore the wishes of the woman/man they are in bed with. It's because they're arrogant fuckwits.

Well it was not a relationship - way too early. But I don't think that makes any difference. You're either into that stuff or you're not. You should be respectful.

Oh and he put love bites on my neck which I hate. In my mind that's not acceptable for anyone over the age of 16.

I must be old but I can't see any reason to have sex with someone unless you ARE in a relationship. This is where things go wrong imo. Having sex with someone is so intimate. There should be some real knowledge of the other person before sex happens.

a bullet dodged there, lottie

Well I've spent months taking to him. I thought I did know him quite well. I don't think you have to be in a relationship to have sex at all. Especially when you don't have the time for one like I don't.

Indeed AF. I have a feeling it could only get worse.

Me too.

He ignored your boundaries once. He'll do it again.

Drop him like a rock.

YADNBU

It's fine if you like this type of thing are with a long term partner and/or you have agreed this before. Some women like it and it turns them on.

But I agree, why do they think all women will like this and don't understand that they could easily be over stepping the mark.
maybe it is because we have too much porn easily available.
Another reason to blame governments.

I seem to attract people who turn out to have red flags. I have come a long way through counselling but surely I'm still missing something?

how did you meet this Prince Charming ?

Online dating AF. I don't have much time to go out and actually meet people in. RL. I do think I am better than I used to be. I will tell people 'no' if I don't want to do something and I will be firm about it. That for me is progress even though it may seem small!

I thought it would be OD.

God it gets worse the more you write. I think you should tell him why you don't want to see him again so he doesn't do it to his next victim.

Oh by the way carda - he was not remorseful at all. In fact he didn't say anything about it.