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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why parents get so het up about sharing?

91 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:27

In a perfect world we would all live on a commune and share everything. Lovely. I used to have that dream. The fact is most adults dont really like sharing their precious things so why do parents get so funny about sharing toys? Ive actually lost friends because my little one throws a tantrums when asked to share her special toys.
She can be very selfish but also very loving and giving... a bit like most humans then.

OP posts:

TheBloodManCometh · 10/08/2014 23:28

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:29

So she won't share toys? Confused.

MyPrettyToes · 10/08/2014 23:31

my brain hurts

Applelicious · 10/08/2014 23:31

I suppose as parents we want our children to be able to form friendships. If they don't learn to share things, they might alienate other children.

SantanaLopez · 10/08/2014 23:31

wigglesrock · 10/08/2014 23:32

Your child is going to find school quite tough if she won't share.

CundtBake · 10/08/2014 23:32

It's not about sharing all your special toys I don't think. It's about social skills and thinking of others.

As an adult it would be considered rude to bring some kind of gadget/activity out and sit there playing with it and not let your guests touch it/look at it.

In my house if we have friends over and he doesn't want to share a special toy it will get taken away and he can play with it when he's on his own.

plinth · 10/08/2014 23:32

Urgh a commune sounds like hell on earth to me.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:33

And your point is? I'd go mad if a friend went rooting around in my living room touching all my special things although id happily show them special things and shate things like a game of monopoly lets say.
And yet many parents seem to find it astounding when another child comes into our house and starts to root through dds stuff and dd mskes a fuss.
I do agree with sharing btw but im not sure that the huge emphadis on it is realistiv or representative of the human condition.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:35

You ask other children over to play, they play with the toys.

Don't ask them or put the toys away..

Not surprised your losing friends.

ADHDNoodles · 10/08/2014 23:35

It's not that we're teaching our children to like sharing, we're teaching them to share.

No one likes to share their things. I hate sharing. If someone took away their ipad and told them to share, they'd throw a fit the same as a child.

But you need to know how to share reasonable things and work together. It's an important relationship skill.

IneedAwittierNickname · 10/08/2014 23:36

I see what you are saying and agree actually. When my dc were smaller they had to share toys with friends who came round, except their very special toys (eg favourite teddy). These were put away upstairs where visiting friends couldn't get them.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/08/2014 23:36

Depends.

DD has a special soft toy. She knows if she takes it somewhere then she should expect other kids to play with it. Or she can leave it on her bed for her alone.

What I take umbridge with is that when one child is playing with something and another kid wants it, prigional kid is expected to hand it over "to share". No, wait your turn. Im talking solo use items here - a scooter or a baby doll.

Cabrinha · 10/08/2014 23:36

I think it's a valid point that adults don't like sharing sometimes, especially things that are precious.
It doesn't mean that I don't encourage my child to share - but it does mean that I don't see a meltdown over it sometimes purely as "naughtiness".

I think it's useful to think about it, and how to manage it at different ages. My daughter is 5 so I can talk to her about building friendships, how she likes it when others share with her... But for example before a play date, I can say "I know you have some special toys. If you don't feel you can share them, shall we put them away?" She understands she doesn't have them either. But often she says "no it's OK, I will share".

SantanaLopez · 10/08/2014 23:36

Holy crap you have a full posting history Blow me down with a feather.

You are alienating your DD by allowing her to tantrum.

CinderellaRockefeller · 10/08/2014 23:37

Depends if your child is the kind who has one beloved toy toy which they class as their "precious thing" (although if they start referring to it as "my precious" I'd be concerned) then it's ok not to share it. Just put it out of the way when other kids come round.

If they class "their precious things" as everything and anything they have ever owned, ever and snatch and howl every time any other child picks anything at all of theirs up, then you probably want to help her work on it before she has no friends whatsoever.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:37

If I have a spe ial gadget like an ipad , I will happily show everyone and pass it around but my teeth will be on edge if anyone is rough with it as it is my special.toy etc.
Dd gets on well at svhool and has sharing skills but im a bit about those who have shunned me as dd had sharing issues at the age of 2.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 10/08/2014 23:38

I never told my children they had to share everything. I told them that if there was anything they weren't happy to share, then it had to get put away when other children came round. Everything left out, had to be shared.

Adults share things. When my friends come over, I share my drinks and food.

Sharing, within limits, is lovely
A commune is my idea of hell.

Piddlepuddle · 10/08/2014 23:38

It's a balance I think? I agree as adults we aren't expected to share in the same way. And I don't agree with sharing for sharings sake - eg if my eldest has a toy that my youngest suddenly decides he needs, I'm not going to make him share just "because". But I also read an article recently where a mother felt very strongly about not sharing, and therefore let her son monopolise a ride on car for the whole of a playgroup type session - now that is just unreasonable I think, and is not realistic of an adult world.

Anyway am on the fence a bit, think it all depends on the specific scenario.

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:39

How did you handle the sharing issues, because every 2 year old has those.

plinth · 10/08/2014 23:40

Why have people "shunned" you?

Do you think it is sensible to help your dd with her "sharing issues"?

Viviennemary · 10/08/2014 23:42

I see what you mean about sharing. I don't like people using my stuff either and a commune sounds awful. But if you invite small children to your house they will expect to be able to play with the toys. Put away toys you don't want others to play with.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:43

" noone likes to shate their things. I hate sharing."

Quite. Dd is great at sharing some things but not othets. She Iis a master of the withholding power trip and no, im not proud if it .

I like sharing some thingsvsuch as experiences, food, love etc but im also verh independent and its mostly just dd and I. Maybe that plays a part.

OP posts:

maninawomansworld · 10/08/2014 23:43

My two aren't old enough for this to be a problem yet but quite a few people I know have chosen not to enforce sharing, but to encourage it.
It's one thing to say 'now Jonny, it's nice to share your toys after all Toby shares his toys with you when you go to play at his house' , quite another to tell children they must share.
We all have possessions which are off limits to others, even as an adult I have things which I wouldn't dream of letting another living soul near (not even DW! )

Scrumbled · 10/08/2014 23:43

When mine were young I'd tell them to put any special toys out of reach, in their bedroom, or in my bedroom. Any toys downstairs are fair game for visiting children. I'd tell them that if they insisted that other children went into their bedroom then they'd want to touch things. I've never lost a friend over such issues, mine have had tantrums at my house and friends houses. Visiting children have had tantrums at mine.

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