To wonder why parents get so het up about sharing?

[superstarheartbreaker]

In a perfect world we would all live on a commune and share everything. Lovely. I used to have that dream. The fact is most adults dont really like sharing their precious things so why do parents get so funny about sharing toys? Ive actually lost friends because my little one throws a tantrums when asked to share her special toys.
She can be very selfish but also very loving and giving... a bit like most humans then.

We are hardwired to share. When you give something your brain receives more biochemical 'reward' than when you are given something.

Thee are all kinds of gains in life - some are material and others are emotional and social. Which are more important to balanced development?

Sorry to 'butt in' but I have been having problems with my nearly 2 year old, and a 4 year old that we spend a lot of time with.

It goes something like this: 4YO has toy. DD wants toy and screams/tantrums. I tell DD she needs to wait her turn, and distract her with an alternative. 4YO then wants toy DD has, or sometimes is quicker than DD at getting to the alternative toy so starts playing with it first. DD sees that original toy is free and grabs it. 4YO then strops because she 'was playing with that' or 'that's mine'. I point out, 'no, you wanted the one that DD had, you weren't playing with the original toy any more'. 4YO sulks. Usually her mum steps in and comforts her and makes me feel like the bad guy.

Does it ever get any better?

somewherewst I think it depends somewhat on the type of toy,and somewhat on hoe long a child has being playing with it.

So my ds1 did not want to share the train set at playgroup. He wanted all the track,and all the trains. Now imo that's not on,its a sharing toy.

OTOH there was little boy who used to spend the entire 1.5 hours in the only peddle car. You can't share that but you can be expected to take turns.

At playgroups and playgrounds etc you have to take turns. Like adults at the gym, you don't take one bit of equipment and monopolise it for hours.

But, if you invite another child into your home you must let them play with your toys. You can't ask them to bring their own or sit not playing. Anything you are not willing to have played with should be hidden away for the duration of the visit. That's just how it is. That other child is a guest and cannot be expected to sit and look at all the "special things" without wanting to play too.

In my house if you don't share then you don't get to pay with that toy/book. The only special things are each dc has their own teddy. Iv taught them to treat all things with respect, their own or not.

Your child sounds spoilt. At 2 your should have disciplined your dd for throwing a tantrum when she had to share not saying lamely 'that adults don't like sharing'. Must have been awful for your friend to bring her child round to play and yours is having a tantrum about her child was playing with your child's toys and you didn't do anything.

CD sharing seems a thankless task but keep plugging away and they get it eventually. 3.5 yo DS and similar aged children have stopped snatching away but there is still a bit if argy bargy.

If DC fight over a toy, and won't have turns each and are both being Grotbags I take the toy and out it away.

'You can have a turn when James has finished playing with the car'

This works great. However if a child wants to have a toy for an hour we get the timer out and prewarn them when thier turn is up.

I totally agree that there is 'unhelpful sharing' - certain grabby kids at playgroup, I'm looking at you.

But I disagree that all the toys in the house are child X's 'precious things' and therefore exempt from sharing. We have a few things that are X or Y's etc special ones (including bedtime comforters) and not expected to be shared - but they have to be put away when people come round. Everything else is not X's, Y's, etc, it belongs to our family, and we share it appropriately with visitors. FWIW, we had a box of random toys in our house before having kids for the benefit of visitors, because we had friends, neighbours, god-children at various times and it seemed like a hospitable thing to do. So it's not that all the toys in the house were even bought for specific children.

"When she was 2 one of my mates went off in a huff as I kept saying " well adults dont like sharing!" A bit crass maybe."

Yes, I think I would have stopped bothering to come and see you to if you'd done that. Rather than try and deal with the behaviour you dismissed it out of hand and basically said you didn't care that your child was presumably upsetting hers.

I agree with you OP.

I actually think there are occasions where too much emphasis is put on sharing. I was around a friends house once when the child who lived there picked up a toy that was on the floor to play with. The second he picked it up, another child wanted it having paid no attention to it before and it was right in front of them. After a few minutes they had to hand it over. I actually don't agree with this. If I pick my new phone up to do something and a friend of mine wants it after a few minutes, I wouldn't hand it over. I don't think adults do share as much as children are made to (and I'm not talking about offering food or drinks to guests).

I also don't like it when a parent will take a toy off their child because another child suddenly demands it with a "you can have that after x has played with it".

I do let DS put special things away when friends come around but he does share the rest which is fine. I also think it is fine that if one of my children have their special teddy or whatever it is, then no one is allowed to 'share' that regardless of where they are. Certain toys/items are precious and not to be given to whoever wants it.

Its also ok not to share when children are not respectful of other peoples property. DS is very careful with toys that have small pieces and always look after them. I have yet to see another child play here that looks after things in the same way.

I do make them share btw, my post makes it sound like I don't but there are times when it is ok to say no, that is mine/ I am playing with it and you can have it when I am done.

But crapbag that is still sharing of a sort. As an adult, I would let whoever borrow my phone once I was finished with it. Not sharing would be 'no, you can't have it even when I'm done' or carrying whatever it is around with you specifically to prevent another child playing with it.

Yes I see what you mean and obviously that would be U. I really meant the people who make their child hand over something that another child wants even when they are still playing with it. I really don't agree with that but I see it all the time. The "you have x amount of minutes then hand it over" type thing.

You sound selfish and insular and you are allowing your daughter to be the same playing is a learning tool for children they learn to compromise by playing and sharing itis basic child development these are young children you want to play with your daughter don't invite them or lock her special pre ious toys away comparing children to adults is ridiculous how do you think adults learned not to go rooting about your house it is boundries learnt through childhood

yep, it's a pet hate of mine that some parents seem to see sharing as 'my kid wants what your kid has, hand it over'. last week I took advantage of the sun and took my DD to a beach. we arrived and she excitedly unpacked her bucket and spade and literally before she got sand on them another child of similar age (3/4) came and said 'you have to share them with me'. a total stranger, with the parents and what looked like grandma all looking on approvingly. DD was baffled, and being quite dutiful handed over bucket and spade. she had essentially been mugged. after 20 mins I went and asked for them back, and again the child said, in hearing of the parents 'but she has to share them with me' - it's very awkward to say 'no, she doesn't' and I want strongly to encourage kindness . . . . but in this instance I did say 'no, these belong to DD and you need to let her enjoy them'. honestly, I felt tempted to go over and grab some cocktail sausages and a chicken leg from her parents picnic whilst muttering through a full mouth 'you gotta share, now can I have your picnic rug and frisbee?' obs it's different with friends, and your DD will in time I'm sure be able to empathise more with how others are feeling if you keep reminding her that her actions affect others, however even then there's limits. I was in a cafe with friends the other day and my DD wanted to do their DD's sticker book, their DD objected and her mum said 'you must share it'. I said no it was fine as the girl had clearly taken a great deal of time and care with the sticker book and it was precious to her - why should my daughter get to come in and alter it. I explained to my daughter that some things are for sharing but others might be a something quite precious that someone is in the middle of, so they would feel upset if someone messed with it, and DD was Ok with that. however when the other family later brought out sweets I thought it was right that they shared some with DD. we just need to be a bit sensible about context. there are real sharing fanatics.

There are some, limited circumstances where I think 'x minutes and hand it over' would be the right thing to do. If it is a toy that both children really want to play with, only one child can play with it at a time, both children have an equal claim to it, and they don't come to a natural 'stop' point in their play but could conceivably play with it for hours on end, what else could you do? Or with older children, like the 4yo I mentioned earlier, she will sometimes continue playing with something just because she knows my DD wants it. Obviously, there are only a few circumstances where all of that applies. I'm thinking along the lines of a cosy coupe at a parent and toddler group.

But 'x minutes and hand it over' should really be a last resort- hopefully the child can be encouraged to hand it over when they come to a break in their play, or the children will negotiate between themselves (even toddlers do this to an extent!), or one child will get bored and play with something else.

And there are parallels with adult life- sometimes things do have to be done on a rota basis, that applies to things that people want to do such as pick the film for film night, and also things they don't want to do like chores.

wings sounds like my DD! She's not quite 2 and is just starting to use words associated with sharing/turn taking. She and the 4yo had a snack between them. DD monopolised the snack for a time, them the 4yo wanted some and took the bowl, DD followed her round demanding 'share!' (Obviously I explained that 'share' meant both 4yo and DD got some, she's starting to get the hang of it now!)