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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why parents get so het up about sharing?

91 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:27

In a perfect world we would all live on a commune and share everything. Lovely. I used to have that dream. The fact is most adults dont really like sharing their precious things so why do parents get so funny about sharing toys? Ive actually lost friends because my little one throws a tantrums when asked to share her special toys.
She can be very selfish but also very loving and giving... a bit like most humans then.

OP posts:

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:44

I do help her with sharing issues. Today she shared a very precious object with some random kid. A stranger. I love bombed her for it!

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:45

If children are 2 and you have other 2 year olds coming over and you know a toy will not be shared you've really got to out it away or it's just asking for trouble.

I mean how bad did it get for you to lose friends? It's standard behaviour at that age to spat over toys.

Catsize · 10/08/2014 23:45

I get where you are coming from OP, and have often thought this. A friend and I have a two minute rule, which works really well with our 2yr olds. Each gets the desired thing for two minutes before handing it back to the other. Eventually, one will move onto something else.

wigglesrock · 10/08/2014 23:48

Sorry, I'm really confused as to how old your daughter is? I assumed she was at school because you said she got on fine sharing at school.

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:50

Adults do share stuff though don't they. If someone brings out a plate of cakes and I was 2 I would try and snatch them all then start screaming. I might hold the telly on my lap and refuse to let anyone look. I would insist on watching only my things and wail thoughout anyone else's choice.

I would scream no my car and not let anyone in it.

Scrumbled · 10/08/2014 23:50

So your dd (4 to 6)is at school now but you felt as if your dd was shunned at 2 for not sharing? Were the other children around you at that time that bit younger? Expecting your dd just to handover what their babies wanted at that time?

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:52

Whilst I no longer think that living in a commune appeals I do think we live in a society where we can no longer adk a neighbour to borrow sugar and that saddens me.

Tbh I am sad that my dd finds it hard to share...she begrudges me a few crisps from her packet tbh and that presses buttons.

When she was 2and I should have ingrained it more , my dm died of cancer so I think I missed out on thst parenting boat.

Is it too late? What can I do to encourage her ?

OP posts:

ADHDNoodles · 10/08/2014 23:54

She's 2. It's hardly too late to throw in the towel for anything yet.

Just keep at it and read some online article on getting toddlers to share.

HaroldLloyd · 10/08/2014 23:55

They all find it hard to share they are selfish little beasts.

I misread your OP I thought what you were saying is that you didn't think she ought to share, apologies.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 10/08/2014 23:58

She is now 6 and does it more as a power trip now than anything else.

OP posts:

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 11/08/2014 00:00

When she was 2 one of my mates went off in a huff as I kept saying " well adults dont like sharing!" A bit crass maybe.

OP posts:

Scrumbled · 11/08/2014 00:01

Superstar

I think some more context and info is required for people to give you any meaningful opinions.

Scrumbled · 11/08/2014 00:02

I posted that before reading your last post.

pregnantpause · 11/08/2014 00:04

I am an adult. I share everything I have with those I love. Books. - precious, I'd be heartbroken to not get back books, gadgets that I can't afford to replace, my wok having spent years developing it's perfect non stickness- my family, my dh and my true friends are welcome to use these. I express how awful it would be to see them misused and my loved ones understand.
I have two children. Barring a special bedtime cuddly they know that any toy in this house is shared. As a family we share everything, or we don't have it. Their toys are shared, whoever owns it regardless, we share, and take turns or said toy/cup/pen /item gets removed. An ability to negotiate, reason, appreciate others feelings, recognise the importance of friends/ relationships over materials, and the overall benefits of learning to share are far more important to teach my child than " it's yours, you value it,so don't feel obliged to share it"

Later in life as things are personal it is common sense that we don't share our cars etc with strangers, or even friends, but these are complexities learned later with more understanding of social norms and expectations -in early childhood, the rule of sharing teaches more about life and social skills than trying to teach the reality of fair and ownership does. That should be taught later Imo, as it is a concept that is correctly appreciated with more mature age- not an adult, but an older child as opposed to a toddler.

Dontgotosleep · 11/08/2014 00:15

I see the point you're maknig o.p. I once read a reply to a problem about a mum concerned about her d.s who wouldn't share, what do you think the reply here's a leaflet teach him some manners... If you do you'd be wrong. The reply was. How would you feel if someone was coming into your home and using your washing machine. Eating your food? That's his property!
Maybe she had a point.

pregnantpause · 11/08/2014 00:18

Posted before reading recent up date - the crisp thing leaves you with a fabulous opportunity to teach her.

The trick to teaching sharing is to HAM IT UP " oh dd I'm sad that you don't want to share your crisps- it makes me feel like you don't like me ( pointing out how other children feel while applying it to yourself) "thank you so much for sharing a crisp with me, I know that you want to share how nice it is with me,and make me feel happy to be included! I'll share my crisps with you next time!" ( pointing out benefits to sharing and how it makes others feel) " dd! I have crisps, there's only one packet, but I don't want to have them to myself, shall we share?oh, aren't these nice?! Isn't it nice to have them together?!( big fake smile)

It's fake, eye rolly and you feel like an idiot but it works. It's true, in that other children will feel happier/ be nicer if she shares. She will fain from it.

If you have more than one i heartily recommend the if you don't share/ negotiate your way out of an argument- you all lose said toy. It's effective, they stop coming to you for nothing, learn to agree to disagree and sort it between themselves. Great life lessons as far as I'm concerned ( though not the case if one is a secret bully)

pregnantpause · 11/08/2014 00:19

Benefit- fain? No idea, blame apple, my iPhone did it

Scrumbled · 11/08/2014 00:19

I begrudge my husband taking crisps out of my packet but I take his all the time he snarls but lets me. However, I often sit down in restaurant and order my food so that the kids will have something they'll like from my plate if they don't like theirs. I sit there and plan a mix n match scenario.

I think you should forget about adults sharing issues when you think about your dd. Yeah, getting huffy and referring to adults sharing when you dd was 2 probably didn't help. But I suppose there was probably huffiness and unreasonableness on both sides at the time.

If there are issues then have rules for sharing.
If you give her a biscuit or packet of crisps, they are hers, not yours. Don't ask and set her up to fail.
If it's a packet of something for everyone, then don't let her rule who gets what.
If she has friends around then tell her what the rules are. Let her have somewhere to have her stuff that won't get touched. Let her know that If she sets up a train set downstairs , has a Lego building on the go and sits there building, brings down dolls then the other children will want to join in.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 11/08/2014 00:21

My dcs are expected to share most of their toys. They each have a few special items that I allow them to keep just for themselves. That means that if someone is coming over to play, these items are put away for that time. That way they know that they do have to share, but they still feel that they have a few special things that are their own. It works fine for us. Both dcs are good about sharing with other children (except with each other sometimes but I suspect that's a sibling thing more than it's a sharing thing).

ADHDNoodles · 11/08/2014 00:23

Still, 6 is very young. It's not too late. It'll be harder, but it can still be done.

Here's the problem. Two six year olds are playing together with toys that are at this point expected to be shared (or they shouldn't be out). One refuses and throws a tantrum. Instead of the mother intervening she defends her daughter saying "Well adults don't like to share either". Well, they don't but they still do.

I wouldn't put my DD in that situation either. She's expected to share, it's hardly fair to make her play with a child who isn't.

dylanthedragon · 11/08/2014 00:28

I don't see teaching a child to share toys as being linked to adults sharing personal items such as cars, ipads etc. I think it's more about introducing the idea that some things have to be shared and other peoples' right to use them respected. Things like parks, benches, buses and (dare I say it) parking spaces.

I agree that children should be allowed to keep special toys aside.

I'm afraid I have no specific advice on how to help you DD become happier sharing other than explaining in advance what will happen if she doesnt and being consistent. Perhaps the offending toy/s could be taken away for a short time? But she is only 6. I don't think it's too late to help her change her behaviour. Sorry you had such a sad and difficult time when she was a toddler.

Scrumbled · 11/08/2014 00:28

Posted before finishing. When sharing does come up use the intrinsic rewards that come with it. She has a friend come around, the most precious items are away. She's chosen the things she wants to share, the reward is a nice game playing with it together. When visitors come around she can help make biscuits, cut up a shop brought cake, open up a bag of nachos, whatever it is.

I don't expect my kids to hand over their laptops to anyone, I tell them not to. I don't expect me to handover the sweets that they've been given. I do expect them to find ways to entertain their friends, ask if their friends need anything, hand round biscuits.

Lucked · 11/08/2014 00:46

But there is pleasure in sharing not just maintaining friendships but the joy of giving. My two year old gets pleasure at offering treats to others or me a spoon of yoghurt etc.

Sometimes things have to be shared if there isn't enough to go around. If you are out and about could you buy just one cake, packet of crisps for both of you it has to be shared?

How is your dd now when friends visit?. I would have thought at 6 she would be old enough to understand that other children will go home so them playing with her toys isn't really something to worry about.

Maryz · 11/08/2014 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBloodManCometh · 11/08/2014 04:04

I'm not on board with your overall philosophy, OP.
You seem to be saying that children should be treated like adults but that isn't right.

I have no problem with adults swearing (within reason) but I'd be horrified if a 6 year old swore.
I personally don't finish all of my meals - and then have dessert. But that's because I'm an adult. As a Nanny, there is no dessert for the kids unless they finish their main meal.

Sometimes children have different rules because they need to learn - a childs world is a lot more black and white than an adults world.
A child should be encouraged to always share (though a single "precious" toy can be exempt) because they need to learn to be kind and thoughtful of others.
An adult, however, is aware of these life lessons and can work around them.

Also, on a much more basic level, children have more stuff to share than adults!

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