To wonder why parents get so het up about sharing?

[superstarheartbreaker]

In a perfect world we would all live on a commune and share everything. Lovely. I used to have that dream. The fact is most adults dont really like sharing their precious things so why do parents get so funny about sharing toys? Ive actually lost friends because my little one throws a tantrums when asked to share her special toys.
She can be very selfish but also very loving and giving... a bit like most humans then.

Maybe your dds behaviour is left unchecked aboutvthe sharing so she fusses more?

The one thing I find important is sharing. I wasn't a good sharer as a kid and had no friends. I am more generous, sharing and less precious now. They are just things!

Anything really special should be put away.

OK, perhaps just ignore her for not sharing but don't share with her so she knows how it feels.

Dont put an emphasis on things. For instance are all her toys really expensive?does she have to be really careful with them?

If someone breaks Dd1 toy I won't make a big deal out of it and now shell just say it doesn't matter.

Be aware that you can change.

I was a teenager before I got that being non sharing was quite a hindrance

she begrudges me a few crisps from her packet tbh and that presses buttons

This reminds me of sharing sweets as a child, the technique is to offer a crisp, but hold the neck of the bag so tightly that the friend cant get their hand in.

Or else pick out the sweet colour you really hate (the purple opal fruit or the horrible blue Bertie Bassett aniseed jelly thing spring to mind) and give that away. #generous

Sweets and crisps

I'm guessing you have an only child. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Everyday they have to share toys, food, my time. I just can't see how this none sharing thing would work in my house. 2 year olds baby doll is not for little brother to play with ever, and if one child is playing with something we don't snatch it for ourselves.

I think maybe this is why only children sometimes get labelled spoilt?

Meant to say baby doll is 2 year olds precious toy and I don't make her share it, but that's about it really.

It's just one of those things you negotiate your way through with kids. It should just be a blip on the radar of parenting. Like food, or sleep. If you've lost friends over it, someone is being unreasonable.

So you have kids over to play, your dd picks something to play with and won't let the other kid be involved? I'm struggling to understand the scenario. When my DS has friends over he isn't allowed to get any toy out that's a solo toy for example his toy guitar, because his friend can't join in. They do Lego, or cars, or something that they can do together. That to me is what sharing is about at that age. Not my DS doing what he wants while the other kid watches though he'd love that the little show off I don't expect DS to hand over what he's playing with to another kid without question but I will happily take a toy off him if it's the only one and it's causing friction.

Depends what sharing means...

If it means any toy can be snatched by another child, and first child is criticised for not sharing, then I agree.

But if it means learning to wait your turn - or offering to share - I disagree.

Isn't that how we should behave as adults?

. Put away anything really special that they don't want to share before you start - agree on it and the rest is for anyone to play with.

captainproton, I think the reason only children get seen as spoilt is lazy stereotyping, not because they have a particular tendency not to share. I was an only, and quite happy to share because I so liked having friends over (and being an only I had a lot more toys than most of my friends.) My twin girls' second or third word was "mine", first sentence was "MY turn!". My OH is the middle one of three and we always joke that if you give him dinner first thing he does is compare to see if yours is better looking than his...

I didn't say all onlys. I remember a only girl at school no one played with her because she cried a lot if she had to take turns or whatever.

So I guess in my head this is where I link the saying with my experience.

I should imagine if you have an only child you usually go to great lengths to socialise your children to avoid that kind of behaviour?

So what happens when you have a second child if your first is such a princess?

The easiest way it to aim to take turns with toys. Any special toys should be packed away before a play date if its going to be really really problematic - although I've never done this.

I think sometimes 'share' is confused with ' take turns'. I think it is hard for a child to share a toy, because some toys you can't play with at the same time, but if you encourage taking turns with it instead, it surely teaches patience and that you can't immediately have what someone else has?

It's so confusing. I really had enough of one woman coming round with her ds because whatever mine picked up to play with, hers wanted it and he wanted it now, cue shouting and tears if he didn't get it. Which then led to this woman saying mine didn't know how to share and if she couldn't share I should take the toy off mine so nobody could have it (causing tears and shouting for my 3 year old).

Whereas I've always taught mine, you wait until something is free then you can have a turn. Find something else in the meantime. Because that's how it works in the adult world to me.

I have some friends with more grown up dc. They are not allowed to take a crisp from a bowl without handing the bowl round to everybody else in the room beforehand. Which is nice the first time, but after around the 5th time it gets incredibly annoying and I just want to scream, let them have a crisp if they want one FGS. To me I'm not sure they should be putting themselves last in every possible situation like this - often they end up without the crisp or the sausage because they're all gone.

Mostly they all seem to learn eventually you have to wait your turn and you have to let others play with your things if they come round (or hide them beforehand).

I think sometimes 'share' is confused with ' take turns'. I think it is hard for a child to share a toy, because some toys you can't play with at the same time, but if you encourage taking turns with it instead, it surely teaches patience and that you can't immediately have what someone else has?

Of course adults share! When my friends come round they sit on my sofa,or at my table, they are offered to share my time,my drinks, my food, my TV (depending on what we are doing) etc etc They get to share what is necessary to make the occasion enjoyable for all. With kids that's toys.

Or don't invite other children round (and make it clear that she is not to touch other children's things either).

captainproton, was thinking about this this morning watching my girls at toddler group and I think the difference is that kids with siblings get very skilled, early on, at securing the toy they want with the minimum of fuss! My littlers are extremely sneaky... they keep their eye on the toy they want and as soon as the other kid loses momentary interest, they're in, lift it and halfway across the playground before anyone cops on. That's at 2. I would be crap at that now, at 38...

The thing is I would never expect my child to share everything. What I do expect is for her to choose if something is too special to share and it gets put away out of sight of visitng guests.

AFAIC if you have toys out and you're not prepared to let other children play with them in case your daughter tantrums you're setting her up for a major fall

Parents are rubbish about sharing! Get over to 'Relationships' for evidence. They surely do not like to share their other half, partner, DH/DW etc. No.
Sharing is massively over-rated.
Its mine.
Not ours.
Just mine.

I think there is a big difference between sharing and sharing your precious things

I will give a locum doing a night shift my ward entry card and my computer access card. I will lend anyone most of my books. I will let anyone play with my iPad or my laptop o even my car really.

I wouldn't let anyone touch my running shoes. I wouldn't lend my favourite handbags to anyone but my mum or my best mate. I have an ornament and a bag of worthless stuff that I would be upset if anyone even touched. .

I don't think sharing is that difficult for adults if belongings are treated properly. I don't mind if friends cook in my kitchen, borrow books, use my bath products. Do others seriously not do this?

I think children and some parents get confused with what sharing is. it doesn't mean you have to hand something over just because another person would like it. you take turns, set a time limit if necessary. when using something with lots of pieces like legoland, or craft stuff you don't keep it all to yourself you let others have equal share of the bits.

To me 'unhelpful' sharing goes like this:

Playgroup: Child A is happily playing with X. Child B comes over and grabs X off Child A. Child A is understandably upset. Child B'S parent wades in suggesting that they 'share', rather than telling his/her offspring not to just grab what they want off other children. Child A's parent me doesn't see why Child A should share in this particular situation, but is far too polite to point this out.