to not want my ex's mum or GF to have my DD when I'm able and willing?

[TractorTam]

I received a letter from my ex husbands solicitor yesterday. He's decided, after almost 7 years of no additional contact other than eow, that he wants DD for half of all half-term holidays, plus 4 weeks over the summer. Bearing in mind he only gets 28 days holiday from work, I'm presuming he's planning on his GF or mum having DD the rest of the time. He works away so wouldn't see her in the mornings/evenings and I don't work school holidays.

AIBU to refuse and think that DD should be with me seeing as I'm willing and able rather than left with his GF/mum?

no, i think hes asking a reasonable request

although maybe 3 weeks over the summer might be better since its 6 weeks

So he sees her every other week but is now hoping to have her more? I don't think that's remotely unreasonable.

You'll need to ask him to clarify his childcare arrangements before jumping to conclusions.

If he's had regular contact every other weekend and now that your dd is older he wants more, I think you would be incredibly unreasonable to say no.

Why has he had to go through a solicitor, do you have a history of problems between you?

YANBU. I'd refuse.

Have you spoken to your DD about it?

Four weeks over the summer when he is working and you aren't seems odd, but asking for half the holidays is fairly normal, I think. It was my arrangement, but I and DD's dad are both teachers.

You are presuming a lot, he could now be able to put in a flexible work request, he might be able to work from home on those days - so even if Granny is there while he's working, he can spend a lot of time with DD. He might be entitled to unpaid leave.

Anyway, offer half of halfterms and 2 weeks in the summer and see if that practically works for your exH...

I've seen threads before where the contact agreement (or whatever the right name is) basically says that if the parent isn't available during their contact time, then the other parent gets first refusal. That might work in this situation.

Is this actually all about reducing maintenance?

I presume that if you are talking to your ex you would know 100% his working hours?

What You have said in your op says differently. If Your ex has been to a solicitor then you are both on non speaking terms?

Woowooowl, why now that she's older? Seems unreasonable to me to try and just opt in once she's easier.

I'm not against sharing holidays though, but I think if a parent is available and willing then the child should be with that parent.

Do you always let you ex have your DD when you can't have her?

You should talk directly to him and try and compromise on an arrangement. You should also ask your DD what she would like.

We do speak but he's never asked (or arranged it when I've offered) for holiday contact and suddenly theres a letter saying eow and no holiday and phone contact is completely unacceptable

If you refuse and he goes to court then half holidays would not be seen as unreasonable unless you can show he would actually be working away for the entire time. Some time with the extended family on her father's side is not necessarily a bad thing.

Would mediation be a possibility? I'm surprised it hasn't been suggested by the sol if it is 7 years since the last court order.

EarthWindFire I've never left DD with anyone besides him.

There's no current court order. I wouldn't leave DD with my parents or anyone if I knew her dad was able and willing to have her.

Seems unreasonable to me to try and just opt in once she's easier

I understand your sentiments, but it's not about you and him, it's about your daughter. Would she like to spend that time with him?

My daughter has finally, as an adult, got a good relationship going with her useless father. I am glad for her. He was totally useless when she was a child, didn't pay anything towards her keep, while he surrounded himself with luxuries, thought that being a father was say no to her all the time. Only took her to things that he wanted to do, etc. In those days I consoled myself thinking that he would miss out when she was older. But you know what I am glad they get on well.

You don't work?

No Mexican, she'd rather be at home. He treats her like a possession and is concerned about his rights to her, yet does nothing with her when he has her.

I work school hours Fitzgerald.

I wouldn't leave DD with my parents or anyone if I knew her dad was able and willing to have her.

That is your choice, but her Dad may not feel the same and may wish to make his own choices for when your DD is in his care. Having to run your entire schedule past your ex just to offer them first refusal is pretty intrusive and not something I would have been willing to do when I was a lone parent.

Sooo school has 'looked after' (and educated obv) her. Am sympathetic am in same situation and my eldest has yet to start school. Mine are looked after when I am at work. It would be soooo disruptive to have ad hoc child care from nrp.

Question is always: would your daughter like it?! X

But it's what's best for the child, not the parent who needs childcare surely basgetti? DD will have 4 siblings at home by the next holidays and would rather be here playing with them than watching ex-mil do her gardening.

I think the sibling thing is important - ex mil needs relationship with your dd-but she needs a normal relationship with her sibs.

Sorry - I assumed you'd been through the court process, I'm not sure why.

It does seem very odd, though, that you've had a satisfactory mutually-agreed arrangement for 7 years and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, he's gone to a sol for a very specific amount of contact. And he's never mentioned wanting holidays or suggested mediation? I thought everyone had to go through mediation prior to court now. That's certainly what he would have been advised to do.