to not want my ex's mum or GF to have my DD when I'm able and willing?

[TractorTam]

I received a letter from my ex husbands solicitor yesterday. He's decided, after almost 7 years of no additional contact other than eow, that he wants DD for half of all half-term holidays, plus 4 weeks over the summer. Bearing in mind he only gets 28 days holiday from work, I'm presuming he's planning on his GF or mum having DD the rest of the time. He works away so wouldn't see her in the mornings/evenings and I don't work school holidays.

AIBU to refuse and think that DD should be with me seeing as I'm willing and able rather than left with his GF/mum?

YABU. Though as someone said up thread 1 week at Christmas/Easter and a couple in the summer holidays should do for now. Oh and maybe one half term? He may be planning on taking her away?

The chikd stays for one/two nights every other week. She doesn't know hr didn't let her just that there was no call. Her dd may not have wanted to speak to her mum. She may not have asked or be worried that mum would be cross that she didn't want to and blamed daddy as less likely for her to be in trouble

I feel for you, I think that kids are being taken away from their mums/primary residences for too long these days. I agreed to half holidays for my almost seven year old this year but I regret it already. She copes okay, but is left at the house with a seventy year old half the day for a week when she could be home playing with her friends.

Just to add to my comment, I'm not saying that he didn't tell his dd that op didn't want her around but that proving it is going to be pretty much impossible, as is proving that he won't let phone contact happen.

My DH has his non resident kids 2 weeks in summer and 2/3 of every other school holiday. Their mum does not work. DH does work and goes out a lot socially and out a lot for work.

In affect his kids visit him but are looked after by a nanny or grand parents.

They live 4 hours drive away from us, so they cannot see any of their friends so just hang around the house. I don't think this situation is in the best interests of the kids.

Lasvegas - your situation is what I dread. On paper it looks good to a court but the reality for the child is very different. My ex doesn't value friendships so my DC has no one to play with. Very lonely for him. At mine the neighbourhood kids are in and out of each others houses all the time.

It's also worth remembering that the OP does know her ex, and he is an ex - we don't know why but maybe one reason is that he always was somewhat abusive. Maybe she has heard him saying untoward things to their DD, who knows. But he has apparently stated that there will be no phone contact during the time the DD stays with him, so there's no need to "prove" it because he's stipulated it.

But if it's something he's just said you can't prove it, if he's said it in text or email then it would be easy to bring up in mediation/court.
If op can't prove he won't allow phone contact, isn't actually seeing dd due to work and is saying awful things to dd about her mum not wanting her around, then what happens?
I don't have any experience of this am just thinking out loud really.

Not trying to stir or upset, but without proof, surely ex can just make out it's all rubbish?
As it he could say he has asked op in person several times in person for extra time and been told no, hence the solicitors letter.

This from the OP:
TractorTam Sun 10-Aug-14 21:27:28
We do speak but he's never asked (or arranged it when I've offered) for holiday contact and suddenly theres a letter saying eow and no holiday and phone contact is completely unacceptable

So it would appear that it's in writing, from the solicitor, that there is to be no phone contact.

Might be being a bit dim, but doesn't that letter say that op won't allow phone contact with ex?

Ah I see what you're saying - yes you could well be right there. He's not happy with EOW, no holidays and no phone contact. Yes, my fault, my mis-read. Sorry.

It depends if his mum and GF are happy with that arrangement

You might be right, I can't tell

What I find is odd is that although you have a new partner and have had 2 children with this man you have never left your daughter with him? Really? Not even to go to the shops for half an hour?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, because I don't think it's in the best interests of the child to suddenly go from minimal contact with her father during school holidays, to her being in his care for 7/12 weeks of the school holidays.

It's also not in her best interests to be forced into being looked after by his girlfriend if she would prefer to be with her siblings or a parent.

Of course she should be allowed contact with her grandmother, but that should be facilitated by her father during his agreed contact time.

I would get advice from someone with legal expertise, but I think I'd be tempted to write back to his solicitor and outline that you are surprised by his letter, because you have offered additional contact on many occasions and this has been turned down. I would also say that you are willing to increase the amount of contact time that your daughter has with her father, as long as he is actually with her- it's not contact time with her father if he's working away all week and your DD is with someone else. I would reinforce the fact that she has never spent more than 2 nights with him, despite additional time being offered, and that suddenly changing to several weeks at his home (not even with him!) will be too much, too soon. Finally I would mention that he already spends much of his existing contact time doing hobbies or going out without DD, so it would be in DD's best interests if he first started to actually have contact with her during contact time , before considering imposing more of the same on her.

I would not be at all surprised to find that reduced maintenance payments are the driving force here.

This amount of holiday contact he's asking for wouldn't take him anywhere near the next band for maintenance reduction (unless things have changed recently). Suggesting that the people the DD has spent EOW with for 7 years are like strangers is a bit exaggerated.

I would still strongly encourage going to the mediation sessions. You say he's only offering it because that is standard procedure, but he's hardly champing at the bit to rush into court if he's left it 7 years, is he? So unless he has suddenly found a pile of dirty mafia money he's desperate to get rid of, I'm sure he'd rather sort out the holiday contact in mediation without court. And that is definitely in your DD's interest. You can also discuss your reservations (which are reasonable - 4 weeks in the summer isn't very fair, and it doesn't make much sense if he is going to be working away for extended periods whilst DD is in his care) in a supportive environment.

Wheresthelight - DD comes back and asks why he wouldn't let her phone me when she asked to/why I didn't answer when she tried to call. There's never been a missed call. She also says he regularly persuades her into having photos taken by saying I'll send it to mummy, but I've never received one. Then she's upset when he tells her that I haven't responded.