to not want my ex's mum or GF to have my DD when I'm able and willing?

[TractorTam]

I received a letter from my ex husbands solicitor yesterday. He's decided, after almost 7 years of no additional contact other than eow, that he wants DD for half of all half-term holidays, plus 4 weeks over the summer. Bearing in mind he only gets 28 days holiday from work, I'm presuming he's planning on his GF or mum having DD the rest of the time. He works away so wouldn't see her in the mornings/evenings and I don't work school holidays.

AIBU to refuse and think that DD should be with me seeing as I'm willing and able rather than left with his GF/mum?

It sounds like he's read something / heard something that has made him thing he should be doing this. Or someone new is in his life and is pushing him to do this for some reason.

I'd be replying to him that by all means communicate in this new manner but that to date, you've both communicated like x and you've had no suggestion / inkling that he wants to change dd's visitation routine. I'd also make it clear that you are completely invested in finding the best possible solution for dd, as she has a right to see both parents in the way that puts her needs firmly at the centre of everything.

So im thinking to put your introduction down on paper, so he can't build up a back story of you refusing access and him being the poor injured party. And start using the language of dd's rights and parental responsibilities.

Then get a good solictor to advise you.

He clearly wants to see more of his child. Perfectly reasonable request.

So what if his mother will have her while he is at work. That is also what happens in most families. I think you are being a bit selfish understandably because you want to be with your child. However it is in the interests of your child to have more contact with her other family including her grandparents

The done thing through mediation is often to ask for more than wanted, so then when an 'agreement' is made it ends up being what the person putting in the request actually wants, rather than being in the middle of both parents requests.

Before DH and I got together DH only saw DSS from sat until sun EOW, then when he moved in with me it went from Fri night until Sunday night. Everyone was happy.

Then when we got pregnant DH wanted to have DSS more in the hols rather than one week a year so a sibling relationship could form.

The ex wife didn't like this. She didn't want to do it as her oldest also spent 5 weeks with their dad and it was going to leave her alone for a lot of the hols.

DSS was always keen and now we are looking at getting some mid week contact too on his say so.

The point is circumstances change, DSS did not want to spend more nights with dad when it meant sharing a sofa bed, he did when he got a bedroom. When siblings were born he wanted more time with them, and he likes to see his relatives too.

Adding 5-6 weeks holiday is not going to change maintenance, well it didn't for us.

You might find as your DD gets older she may want to spend more time with dad and it would be mean to prevent it when it's logistically workable with both parents.

They don't stay little forever and start to want to have a say in things.

Agree it's odd it's gone straight to the solicitor. DH did ask his ex in several emails first before we had to use a solicitor.

I think the letter sounds bullying and threatening, and if he had asked you personally for something reasonable like one week in the first instance, building up to half the holidays, then you would probably not have had an issue with it.

You don't have to agree to anything in mediation, it is about discussion and negotiation, not forcing one party to agree.

He doesn't want DD during term time? So the school run/ after school clubs/ do your homework/ get to bed you've got school tomorrow rows/ pe kit washing/ packed lunch making all fall to you and then you get less of the fun holidays together? Brilliant- sounds fair!

I understand that it's not about you it's about DD but this would piss me right off.

You don't sound at all unreasonable to me. You are your daughter's main carer. She isn't even seven yet. Make decisions for her without shame, based on your knowledge of her and of her father. Limited access is sufficient. Do not sacrifice your child's happiness so her father can assert his 'rights'.

I think you choose what is good for your daughter and yourself as a family, not what is suddenly convenient for your ex.

No you chose only what's best for your DD. That is what a court would be interested in.

You have DSC is your DP with them 100% of the time when you have them?

Contact time should change as they get older. What is suitable for a 2yr old may not be suitable at 8 yrs and may change again at 14 yrs etc.
It seems reasonable now that she is older. Is it a long term girlfriend? Does she has a relationship with her? I can't see what is wrong with her grandmother having more time with her in her own.
It is what is best for DD.

If xh works a five day week, 28 days holiday is nearly 6 weeks off work, more if he can tag on a couple of bank holidays too. Maybe he won't need to call on other help to look after dd at all.

I think you will probably need to compromise a bit, so work out what would suit your family and dd best, and offer perhaps a couple of separate weeks in the summer holidays and a few days in half term.

As a pp said, be glad for dd's sake that she stands a chance of having a good relationship with her Dad and his family. My ds is gutted that he has virtually no contact with his Dad, and would love to feel wanted by him.

But it's what's best for the child, not the parent who needs childcare surely basgetti?

Yes all contact should be done in the best interests of the child. But I'm not sure it is in their best interests to create a system where either parent is required to run their itinery past the other, especially in a situation where there is already enough animosity that solicitors letters are needed.

First refusal may work well for some couples if they maintain a friendship, but I think it's a slippery slope otherwise. You say you have never left your DD with anyone but your ex if he is available. Does that mean you call him before you take a trip to the hairdressers or an evening out with friends?

Does it also mean that a working RP should surrender residency if the NRP loses his job and is available full time? Or the RP should have to rely on whether a flaky ex will take care of the child so she can work rather than using reliable paid childcare?

For seven years he can't be arsed to see the child more than EOW. The Op had to take all the responsibility and do all the real-parenting.

Now, he has changed his mind. Actually, after you've single-handedly done most of the baby-years, yeah, he feels like he might like to get more involved after-all.

He says jump and you have to ask how high? I'd be fucked off, of course.

Ah, right, so he is suggesting mediation as a first step? I think that is very positive. I think it would be a good idea to engage with that process, think about the build up DD might feel comfortable with and what your 'bottom line' is. If people are bandying about the catch-all phrase 'best for the child' then it is worth remembering that in the vast majority of cases, what is worst for the child is conflict and animosity between parents.

You obviously believe in the value of blended families and shared holidays and there's plenty of time to build up before next summer - hopefully DD will get to go on holiday or something nice.

Basgetti - yes, I literally have never had her looked after by anyone. Anything I need to do without her, I do it while she's with exH or at school. ExH however, is a different story. He usually has at least one night out/does a couple of hobbies/goes for a haircut etc every time he has DD.

Balia I think mediation is mentioned because it's standard practice to offer it before court rather than because he thinks it'll actually resolve anything. Like I say - there hasn't been conflict. He hasn't asked for anyof this and iI haven't refused it. Yet he's suddenly telling DD that he's been begging to see her more and phoning her everyday for years

Personally I think you are being quite unreasonable and I suspect your response here is why he has gone via a solicitor rather than talking to you directly.

Half the holidays is perfectly reasonable and normal and from my experience through dp's custody issues unless you have a very good reason to refuse (and him working is not classed as a good reason) a court will side with him and order the custody agreement.

To be perfectly honest who looks after your dd on his contact days is absolutely none of your business. He is her father and has just as much responsibility and right to make choices for her as you do. Just because you say you would offer him first refusal doesn't dictate that he has to do the same.

Dp's exw tried similar during their divorce settlement. She complained bitterly to the mediators that the bulk of the childcare was on her (it wasn't bup we had them 3 weekends on then 3 off due to his shifts and her bf won't have the kids when he hasn't got his there too) but when dp came home and discusses with me and his parents about having the kids more she threw a blue fit. Exactly same argument as you that if he is working the kids should be with her not me or his parents except when she is working and dp is off she refuses to allow him to have the kids and send them to her parents. The mediator wiped the floor with her and basically told her she was being a bitch and couldn't have her cake and eat it.

Your demands unfortunately would get effectively laughed out of court I afraid. Your want to build up to it gradually would be deemed reasonable but again he is her father so they may still over ride it.

Please consider what is best for your daughter and not look for ulterior motives as they are unlikely to be true or useful

Basgetti - yes, I literally have never had her looked after by anyone.

Well tbh I think that's a little bit unusual and I don't think it would be remotely reasonable to expect the other parent to adhere to that just because you choose to.

That's not my experience, wheresthelight. When DH asked for the amount of contact he has with DSC his exW protested because it meant them being looked after by someone else while he worked. It was written into the court order that he was not to be working during contact with his DC.

Saying my DD would struggle to be with him for longer straight off is considering what is best for her. She's never been with him/away from me for longer than two nights. He won't/wouldn't let her speak to me while away. He tells her she's there because I don't want her but he does. Her suddenly being there for a week after her new sibling is born would be difficult and confusing for her.

get your solicitor to write a letter offering him a week at easter, a week at xmas and 2 weeks in the summer holiday then maybe?

I have to say my resent experience goes along the lines of whereisthelight.

Shared holidays are certainly not uncommon these days.

Yes it may need to be worked towards but I don't see that what he is asking is unfair.

As I said up thread is your DP always there when you have your DSC?

But she has no proof of this supposed abuse. If it's coming from a 6 year old I would be very wary of believing it without question as they are very good manipulators and fully capable of lying to get their own way.

The issues with his exw are presumably no longer a problem as you talk about him having a girlfriend.

People's situations alter and perhaps the new girlfriend has a good relationship with your dd and is happy to help facilitate additional contact.

I stand by my point that whilst your suggestions to build uo to longer visits are jot unreasonable the reasons for your refusal to agree half the holidays is entirely unreasonable

I don't believe a six year old would make those things up.

The problem with psychological abuse is that it is hard to prove.

As a stepmum to dsd who was a similar age yes they most certainly do make stuff up!! According to what dsd has said to her mum I have smacked her, threatened to lock her in a cupboard and a variety of other ridiculous things. None of them have ever happened and in fact one the occasion of the smacking being claimed dp had taken them to his parents for the weekend and I hadn't even been there.

Kids of that age are mor than capable of lying especially in a situation where they cam play one parent off against the other.

Whilst I am not saying the chikd here is lying I would be sceptical of believing it 100%

A six year old might not make things up but they can very easily misunderstand.
"Why am I sleeping another night daddy?"
"Mummy has just had a new baby and needs a little quiet and a rest."
Becomes 'I am too noisy and too much trouble now the baby is here'.

I once told ds he couldn't have a fourth breakfast and that he would have to wait a while, when his dad got home from work ds told him I'd said he wasn't allowed breakfast ever again.