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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my ex's mum or GF to have my DD when I'm able and willing?

94 replies

TractorTam · 10/08/2014 21:12

I received a letter from my ex husbands solicitor yesterday. He's decided, after almost 7 years of no additional contact other than eow, that he wants DD for half of all half-term holidays, plus 4 weeks over the summer. Bearing in mind he only gets 28 days holiday from work, I'm presuming he's planning on his GF or mum having DD the rest of the time. He works away so wouldn't see her in the mornings/evenings and I don't work school holidays.

AIBU to refuse and think that DD should be with me seeing as I'm willing and able rather than left with his GF/mum?

OP posts:
WoodliceCollection · 10/08/2014 22:39
  1. He seems a bit odd to go straight to a solicitor (including presumably paying for this letter!) rather than asking you directly. That would annoy me so can see why you would be surprised and irritated.
  1. Your daughter is over 7 so can presumably express an opinion on what she prefers for holidays? Ask her (without pressure either way)- obviously her decision should not be definitive of all future arrangement, but she should have some influence.
  1. Half of holidays I think is normal. My ex1 has dd1 all of the holidays, and I do not like this as it means we get very little proper family time (I work ft but could take annual leave for some part of school holidays). I think in retrospect I would not agree to that, but I would agree to half of holidays as it is reasonable for the child to have a balance of time with each parent. As pp have said, there are lots of ways he could be planning this- he may get unpaid time off as I do if needed for childcare requirements.
Standinginline · 10/08/2014 23:05

Never understood parents getting someone else to look after their kid when the other parent is willing and able to do so. You're not being unreasonable. My partner has 4 children from a previous relationship and even though I get on with them well ,and would have no qualms about looking after them if I had to ,they've always gone to their mum if partner wasn't there with them. Wasn't ever really spoken about as we all assumed that was what happened.

WooWooOwl · 10/08/2014 23:09

Woowooowl, why now that she's older? Seems unreasonable to me to try and just opt in once she's easier.

It's not just about her being easier for him, it would be a perfectly reasonable set up for a child not to be away from their primary carer for extended amounts of time when they are small, but when they are older they spend longer amounts of time with their NR parent. I did it as a child and it worked for me.

Her siblings are important, but so is her grandmother and her Aunt, and most importantly, her Dad. He might not be perfect, and it might be easier for you to have all your kids together and doing the same thing, but your dd has every right to be a part of her Dads life, even if that means him sometimes using his family as childcare just like many other people do.

Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:10

I find it bizarre that he's never just asked me and instead paid for a solicitors letter which infers he hasn't had more contact before because I haven't allowed it. The letter said he'll ask me to attend mediation but if I don't agree with what he's asking then he'll apply to court. He's never had DD for more than two nights so togo to half of all hholidays is a huge leap for her. In theory I think it should be built up gradually but say he has her 3 days per week next summer, then none of us have enough time to go away with her.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 10/08/2014 23:12

How old is your dd?

HumblePieMonster · 10/08/2014 23:14

Fight back. He needs to do this gradually. Its no way to treat a child.

Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:19

She'll be 7 in November.

OP posts:
Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:22

I think what also makes me resent his demands is that he's done this while I'm pregnant - therefore DD will puttwo and two ttogether and think she's being sent away more because of the baby, which isn't helped by him repeatedly telling her that she and she only is his focus and he isn't too busy with other DC for her Hmm

OP posts:
Nerf · 10/08/2014 23:26

Are the other four step siblings or half siblings?

Whereisegg · 10/08/2014 23:29

I think half of all holidays is reasonable, as is your dd spending time with his family, although suggesting that the time is built up rather than straight into a week away wouldn't be unreasonable.

It is odd that he hasn't just asked you though.

I don't think your dd will necessarily assume she's being sent away as you're having a baby, surely she will be told how lovely it is that she will be having extra sleeps with her dad?

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclinatio · 10/08/2014 23:36

Does he have a new girlfriend?

ArcheryAnnie · 10/08/2014 23:38

I think you choose what is good for your daughter and yourself as a family, not what is suddenly convenient for your ex.

I've known too many men who have fought for holiday time, then done sod-all with their kids in that holiday time, including leaving them with gran, leaving them with ipads, etc etc.

Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:39

Her father will tell her that, whereisegg, as he did when Ihad her ssibling two years ago and he had one whole extra days contact!

Two are step and two are half Nerf. But I don't see why the technicalities matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:41

Precisely Archery, he already does bugger all with her on weekends - it seems ridiculous to have her for the sake of it (and to reduce maintenance no doubt) then leave her with GF/Gran/iPad while he works/goes out/does his hobby.

OP posts:
plinth · 10/08/2014 23:45

Why does he want access if he's away?

Refuse all access when he's not there. Access is about your child's right to see her father, not his right to see her. If he's not there it's nonsensical that she's being shipped off to him and then out to babysitters.

If his parents want to see her they've got plenty of opportunity EOW.

Mediation is probably the way forward here.

Nerf · 10/08/2014 23:48

Because I was thinking that if they were half siblings there wouldn't be any other children going off to see granny gardening or whatever, but if two are step children, it might not be that all the children are together except your dd as the other two may go to see their dad's family/ies. So not so hard.

Nerf · 10/08/2014 23:50

Sorry, the two step children presumably see their mums family so not so hard.

Original poster
TractorTam · 10/08/2014 23:52

Because it's his right apparently plinth Hmm

We have DSC the majority of the holidays Nerf so it will be only DD who is missing.

OP posts:
tiredandsadmum · 11/08/2014 00:05

I am in a similar situation recently and I am 100% sure (as is my legal team) that it is driven by reducing maintenance. Again there is a lot of outsourcing to ex family when I am available. Yet I am never offered parental 1st refusal. Despite this ex has now filed a court order asking for this. Thinking about the DC if there is bad blood between the families extra contact at handover increases the tension further in my view.

plinth · 11/08/2014 00:06

Fuck that he doesn't have rights, he has responsibilities.

The only one with rights is your dd

Nerf · 11/08/2014 00:07

Well four weeks in the summer doesn't allow you to plan much does it. So I'd be negotiating away from that one.

WooWooOwl · 11/08/2014 00:33

You are still coming a cross as unreasonable to me.

7 sounds about the right age to me for a child to start spending longer periods of time away from their main home to be with their other parent.

Non resident father really can't win on MN can they? If they dont want to see their children enough they are shits who don't want to take their responsibility, if they want to see their children too much they are shits who don't want to pay maintenance.

Your other children and your step children aren't really your ex's concern, they aren't going to make a difference to the fact that he wants to spend more time with his daughter. He is perfectly entitled to allow other family members to look after his daughter while he works during the time he is responsible for her. And presumably, he will be on leave for much of the time that he wants to have her.

Yambabe · 11/08/2014 01:31

So you have your DSC for "most" of the school holidays - is your DH/DP there all the time or are you primary carer?

MexicanSpringtime · 11/08/2014 03:08

I think the point that everyone is making here, WooWooOwl, is what is in the child's best interests.

You are quick to slam Mn, but people are talking about four weeks away from her normal environment with people who are not known to be interested in doing interesting things with her.

Thumbwitch · 11/08/2014 03:24

It seems a very odd way to go about it, I have to say. If there's no court order in place, and he normally talks to you but hasn't even mentioned this, then why the fuck would he jump straight to a sol's letter rather than at least asking you first? Confused

I think that extra contact might not be such a bad thing, but 4w in summer is too long. Nearly 7 is not so very old - my DS1 is that age and he would hate to be away from me for that long! Maybe 1 or 2 weeks to start with, and perhaps only 1 week at a time (so 2x 1 week rather than 1 x 2 weeks). Ds1 would be fine with 1 week away from me just with his Dad (we are still together, but if they want to go off camping or something then it's just the 2 of them at the moment - DS2 and I stay at home) but much more than that and he misses us.

Do you think it's being driven by his mother, maybe? Or perhaps his GF is pregnant and they're trying to involve her more? Perhaps he's "starting high" on his bid for your DD's time in the expectation that he will be beaten down to a lower level?
I think you need to talk to him, and I seriously think that the "no phone contact" stipulation is outrageous.