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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick Advice DD2 refusing to go on holiday...

490 replies

fun1nthesun · 09/08/2014 09:05

We need to leave now! dd2 has decided she isn't going (12 years old). Leaving her with relatives/friends isn't an option. She has form for sudden refusals, and in fact we lost £££ the last time she demanded to do expensive lessons and then changed her mind after we had given the money.

Any suggestions? Our holiday is ruined Sad

OP posts:
noddyholder · 09/08/2014 12:39

Why are you insistent on challenging my every suggestion? This is how I would start to deal with it and see what happened. What I did next would depend on the reaction I got. I would not make anyones life hell.

Chippednailvarnish · 09/08/2014 12:43

I'm asking because I'm interested, I'm not trying to challenge you Confused

I'm going to take it from that Noddy that you don't really know what you would do.

Eva50 · 09/08/2014 12:44

noddyholder I am with you.

She is a little girl. Who knows what is going on in her head. The time has come to try to find out.

noddyholder · 09/08/2014 12:45

No I wouldn't have a clue

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 12:45

There are lots of assumptions on here about the OP's inability to impose firm boundaries. She hasn't shared any information about her behaviour management techniques.

If this is anxiety induced behaviour, the solution is not to impose firmer sanctions or force the child to do things against her will. If you're terrified of heights, your boss threatening to dock your wages is unlikely to make you feel more able to do a bungee jump when you're looking over the edge at the drop.

I am a great believer in firm boundaries and my children would be the first to tell you that no means no in our house and pushing boundaries gets you nowhere fast. However, the very first rule of behaviour management is to work out the reason behind the behaviour.

When the OP is feeling less stressed she need to first sit down and work out why her DD is behaving this way. If she is aware that she is not giving the child firm, clear predictable boundaries, she has plenty to go on on this thread. However, if there is a more complicated reason behind it and she takes the advice here, she could cause huge damage to her DD's well being.

Those who are saying they would never put up with it are clearly lucky enough to have never had to deal with a child with complex needs. Putting your foot down doesn't always solve the problem and using strong arm tactics may feel quite satisfying at the time but it is physically risky, it doesn't usually solve the underlying problem and children have an unfortunate habit of getting bigger and stronger.

noddyholder · 09/08/2014 12:45

Thanks Eva50

noddyholder · 09/08/2014 13:09

Btw I was offering an alternative as the OP did say she had done the banning stuff/money etc and bribes which obviously haven't worked.

Higheredserf · 09/08/2014 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 13:18

I personally don't think she has AS, I know a couple of dc who do and though they are challenging and cause their parents real problems they do not display actual enjoyment when behaving in a way that upsets and they do not manipulate. They behave that way because they are wired that way.

AS is way more complex than and you clearly know almost nothing about it so are not in a position to make this judgement.

thornrose · 09/08/2014 13:22

I personally don't think she has AS this based on 2 or 3 posts and knowing a couple of people that do have AS!

cardibach · 09/08/2014 13:23

Goldmandra - yes, it is complicated, but you don't have any evidence to suggest the child does have AS either, do you? Sounds like 'simple' bad behaviour to most of us, I think.
I'm glad the OP seems to have got away on holiday and hope she enjoys it. She (and her DH) need to really address this issue when they return, though.

Lweji · 09/08/2014 13:24

I once told my son that he had the choice to accept my authority or live elsewhere.

I'd give her the choice of going on holiday with you or be dumped with social services at the nearest police station

ilovesooty · 09/08/2014 13:31

I doubt police or ss would allow that.

Just wait though until she starts reporting her parents to ss as revenge for not getting her own way...

PowderMum · 09/08/2014 13:36

OP another here hoping that your lack of response is because you are off on your holiday.
My DD2 now 15 is very stubborn and cannot be bribed or forced to do anything fortunately she has never refused to go on holiday, but she has been known to refuse to go out to events, I certainly can't manhandle her to the car she is taller than me and I have a dodgy back. I can't meet her head on as this just achieves stalemate, I have to spend time finding out why she doesn't want to join in and then try to get her to see reason, it can be very draining. She was like this when she was younger too, she is getting better now as she reaches adulthood but I am careful to pick my battles.

wannabestressfree · 09/08/2014 13:37

Ashtrayheart if you need a chat at all my son was in medium secure for two years as a teen. Hope everything's ok. X

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 13:37

but you don't have any evidence to suggest the child does have AS either, do you?

I haven't expressed an opinion on whether she has AS. I have highlighted some similarities with children who do have it and suggested that the OP finds out about it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/08/2014 13:40

wannabestressfree I remember your thread about your lad, how's he doing and how are you?

wannabestressfree · 09/08/2014 13:45

He is really good :) working part time, back at school, passed his gcse's. It seems a life time ago.

He still struggles sometimes with sleep pattern but that's managed by meds and he sees the psychiatrist regularly. It's lovely to have him home though and he recognises his mental health problems which makes life easier.

I am ok. Am always watching and have to make myself step back sometimes and remember he is nearly 18 :) thanks for remembering. The support I had on here was invaluable and saved my sanity xx

cardibach · 09/08/2014 13:47

Goldmandra I was referring to your comment to Higheredserf where you said she was wrong in her assessment. I was pointing out you had no evidence of that. I think that since the child's parents don't think she has any SN we should probably all proceed on that assumption too... Part of dealing with the problem after the holiday would be trying to get to the bottom of why she behaved so awfully. On the face of it, from the information we have, it seems deliberately manipulative and 'brattish' but essentially behaviour a NT child would be capable of.

pandarific · 09/08/2014 13:47

I would reckon that SS gets enough silly stuff reported that they would be able to discern the situation by talking to the family - can't imagine that picking your own child up and putting them in the car, albeit against their tantrummy will, would be seen as a crime?

I feel sorry for poor OP though. What a way to start a holiday! Hopefully she can nip this stuff with the DD in the bud when she gets home.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/08/2014 13:50

wannabe that's brilliant news regarding your boy, your thread was heartbreaking to read at times and it's fab that he's come through that black hole.

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 13:56

On the face of it, from the information we have, it seems deliberately manipulative and 'brattish' but essentially behaviour a NT child would be capable of.

That is often the case with AS. Lots of people have expressed the view that this isn't normal behaviour for a 12 year old.

I wouldn't have said that my DD had SN when she was 12 and started refusing school but she did. I just didn't recognise it.

It isn't appropriate to say that a child does or doesn't have AS based on a couple of posts on an internet forum. It is, however, perfectly appropriate to highlight similarities with children with AS and advise the OP do some research and consider the possibility before employing strategies that could make things a whole lot worse for everyone concerned.

alemci · 09/08/2014 13:59

please get her in the car and make a note to yourself to make a fresh start, and take note of the sensible advice on here.

Don't let her dictate.

teaandtoastandbutter · 09/08/2014 14:22

Abra1d - I was the same! For me it was a combination of severe motion sickness which made me feel grouchy and horrible and heat which I don't like plus doing things that I felt were dull. Unfortunately for me, my parents loved holidays!

Hope all is settled now OP: I am with napoleon and her posts on this matter.

Higheredserf · 09/08/2014 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.