Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick Advice DD2 refusing to go on holiday...

490 replies

fun1nthesun · 09/08/2014 09:05

We need to leave now! dd2 has decided she isn't going (12 years old). Leaving her with relatives/friends isn't an option. She has form for sudden refusals, and in fact we lost £££ the last time she demanded to do expensive lessons and then changed her mind after we had given the money.

Any suggestions? Our holiday is ruined Sad

OP posts:
cingolimama · 09/08/2014 17:48

You mean not squishing literally? Oh, I'm disappointed now.

cingolimama · 09/08/2014 17:49

aren't bad kids

isthisanacidtest · 09/08/2014 17:52

I agree with Stratter5.

By fuck the first time she started to pull a stunt like this I'd have sorted it and sorted it hard and fast and she would never ever have done it again.

This thread has utterly flabberghasted (sp?) me. I cannot comprehend how a normal, NT 12 year old, could have been given so much power.

I had a SIL who pandered to her fist born to this extent. He was king of the shit heap/goldenchild and his brother was scapegoated. I am glad for the sake of my blood pressure she's an ex-SIL. Interestingly, my DD avoids him as much as possible because he's horrible (her words, not mine). He is and will be what she made him.

I do understand that children with AS struggle and that can manifest in oppositional behaviour, but the OP didn't mention any difficulties, and from the past behaviour it seems the DD has form for being a manipulative madam.

I feel sorry for the OP's other children.

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:52

I hope OP will come back with the outcome- and have consequences if they did waste all that money.

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 17:58

Let me try to explain again.

I read the OP which described a problem which is very familiar to me. I have experienced it several times with both of my DDs. The reason they do it is that they have AS and struggle with transitions and new situations. Trying to manage these situations with punishments and manhandling would have been disastrous to their well-being.

The OP has said that her DD has form for this so I have suggested that she finds out a bit about AS in case her DD has similar difficulties to mine.

My DD1 was 12 before I found out she had AS. Until then she was considered by all who knew her to be NT, intelligent and well behaved. Her difficulties became apparent when she started to refuse to attend school.

It is not insulting to my DDs or anyone else with AS to suggest that a child who is refusing to leave the house to go on holiday may have similar difficulties to them.

I have not diagnosed her with the condition or even said that I think she probably has it. I have simply suggested that the OP looks into it. It is common for girls with AS to be undiagnosed until their teens.

The OP may well read about AS and, when looking at the wider picture of her DD’s development and behaviour, decide that it doesn't describe her. That would be great. However, if she does feel that an assessment could be helpful, the sooner it is started the better for her DD.

Just to be clear. I am not diagnosing her. Nobody on this forum is in a position to say she does or doesn't have the condition.

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 18:03

I misunderstood you, Gold; please accept my apologies Flowers

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 18:13

I can only assume that OP has one child. When I had a 12 yr old I had two younger children and there is no way you can cancel the holiday for them!

isthisanacidtest · 09/08/2014 18:16

The OP calls her DD2, which I took to mean that she had at least 2 girls?

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 18:20

I misunderstood you, Gold; please accept my apologies

Of course. Thank you.

Not sure about squishing children though. Sounds messy.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/08/2014 18:26

I think my reaction to this would have been to offer two options - Option 1, she gets in the car right now, or Option 2 - the rest of the family go off on the holiday, and then the dd and I would have had a very boring week indeed - no wifi, Xbox, phone, meeting friends etc etc. I'd be calm, clear and absolutely firm.

Higheredserf · 09/08/2014 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuanPotatoTwo · 09/08/2014 18:32

Nothing very constructive to add, however flashback has just occurred of an incident from many years ago:

Me to tantrumming dd: Do you want to go and live with Aunty Caroline?

Dd (approx 6yrs): Ooh, yes please.

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 18:36

Me to tantrumming dd: Do you want to go and live with Aunty Caroline?

Dd (approx 6yrs): Ooh, yes please.

My parents used the threaten to put me in care. I had a friend who lived in a childrens home and always seemed to have lots of fun when I went for tea. I thought it would be quite cool to be in care. Not sure if i ever told my parents that though Grin

TSSDNCOP · 09/08/2014 18:40

Oh God, I had a friend who was just like the OP's DD. There was no MH issues, she was just a total cow. Her parents were lovely people who couldn't do enough for her. I was often invited to things with their family and have stood cringing in the hall whilst she decided not to go.

This was the eighties. Less to withdraw I suppose than today and I've never heard of taking doors off rooms. But my friend nearly broke her mother, who was in most ways just like my own i.e firm but fair. And it really was just because she wanted to.

JuanPotatoTwo · 09/08/2014 18:42

Were your parents baffled by your apparent lack of fear at their threat Gold? :)

Dd had sussed, even at the age of 6, that being "threatened" with living with Aunty Caroline was tantamount to saying "do you want to go and live with the nicest, kindest, softest person we know?" :)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/08/2014 18:49

I agree with Goldmandra. Some good posts.
And i think there's a lot of harshness on this thread. So many certainties. I swear i can hear my own mother "well, I just wouldnt stand for it!"
Theres a lot of outrage. It sounds like an upsetting position to be in.
I hope funinthesun has a good holiday. Maybe some talking?

Whereisegg · 09/08/2014 18:58

I really hope you're on your way op Thanks

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 19:11

I don't think she is in the way or she wouldn't have posted. It was simply non negotiable to me, it was booked, paid for, she is 12 yrs , she is going.

calilark · 09/08/2014 19:14

hope you manage to have a good holiday OP.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 09/08/2014 19:18

Agree goldmandra makes valid points. It is worth looking into; inappropriate facial gestures too. Wondering about DD for similar reasons - she ticks a lot of the Tony Attwood boxes and a lot of anxiety at the moment; DS2 is ASD and when he's "misbehaving" he's not naughty, he's just very anxious and upset and can't help himself; handling him needs a lot of sensitivity.

But from all the info we have I think it's more likely she's fledgling Queen Bee and agree with SDTG approach - very boring, fair, no fanning the flames, minimal attention.

Reminds me of Libby Purves' advice (I think How not to be the perfect mother) "Mummy can be very, very boring at 3 in the morning."

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 09/08/2014 19:20

Also worth looking into Love Bombing (by Oliver someone I think) on return OP.

Fav · 09/08/2014 19:23

I've skim read this thread.
The op's dd sounds very like my ds1.
If I wrote some of the things he does on here you would all have a field day on here, however, he is incredibly anxious.
He has never "won", but struggles with all sorts of situations, but to any onlooker he would look like the most obnoxious 13 yr old ever.

It's lucky that we, his parents recognise it as stress, and work hard to make sure we don't get to the situation the op was in earlier.

When children behave like this, it isn't always the parents fault, or that they have created a monster. It is often that the child has massive insecurities that aren't easy to spot and deal with.

Fav · 09/08/2014 19:27

Have seen mentions of AS on this thread, ds2 is on the autistic spectrum. With all the research Dh and I have done, we can see traits in ds1, so we believe his immense anxiety stems from this.

It's very easy to lay blame with the parents, and I'm sure the op blames herself for any "bad" behaviour her dd shows.

I know too many people who have pliable, easy going children who are extremely smug about it. Imagine putting all your available energy into dong the right thing, being utterly consistent with your child, but with little change in the child.

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 19:34

Were your parents baffled by your apparent lack of fear at their threat Gold?

I wish I could remember. I don't think I'll ask.

It was simply non negotiable to me, it was booked, paid for, she is 12 yrs, she is going.

Hmm. Exactly like we were with DD1 and school.

Except that when a 12YO won't get in a car or out of one for that matter and none of the usual behaviour management strategies are working what do you do? We could have taken away everything DD1 owned (we did confiscate a lot) and grounded her for ten years (CAMHS told us in the end to stop banning her from going to the stables) and it would have made no difference. She just couldn't do it.

"I wouldn't stand for it", "I'd have no truck with...", "It is non-negotiable", "She would be going and that's that" all become ridiculous in the face of a child who refuses point blank to move. There comes a time when you have to accept the futility of trying to impose your will and start listening and problem solving.

IHaveBrilloHair · 09/08/2014 19:37

This is so my dd, down to a tee.
I'm battling it constantly, she's lovely, but oppositional, wants to be loved, but makes herself unlovable.
If if was as simple as doing x, I wouldn't have issues now.

The dd in the op is unhappy too I bet, and isn't quite sure why why she is behaving like this.