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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick Advice DD2 refusing to go on holiday...

490 replies

fun1nthesun · 09/08/2014 09:05

We need to leave now! dd2 has decided she isn't going (12 years old). Leaving her with relatives/friends isn't an option. She has form for sudden refusals, and in fact we lost £££ the last time she demanded to do expensive lessons and then changed her mind after we had given the money.

Any suggestions? Our holiday is ruined Sad

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/08/2014 16:43

I'd give her the choice of going on holiday with you or be dumped with social services at the nearest police station

Right, and you could really follow through on that one!

Yes. If I couldn't work with my child at such a basic level that she refused to go on holiday on a whim, she'd be better off in care.
By the time I uttered this threat she would know I follow through with all my threats. In fact, I don't threat. I warn or give choices.

Lweji · 09/08/2014 16:46

I doubt police or ss would allow that.
No parent is forced to keep a child they don't want.

You CAN leave a child, btw, just as long as you leave them with supervision, and pass on responsibility to the state. It is not a crime.

Roussette · 09/08/2014 16:52

I also think the child has been bribed in the past and this has made her get more and more demanding maybe. You should not have to bribe a child to behave - that's the road to big problems in the future

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 17:09

There's some very telling clues in the OP's posts, that make me disagree with you (in the nicest possible way), Goldmandra

Not wise, but she's so used to bribery this is probably an extortion attempt.

She likes the power of being able to wreck it for everyone else

She's sitting in her room smiling, and she's said to another child that's she's already ruined the holiday.

Those are the actions of a child who is used to getting her own way, at any cost to others; is manipulative, and enjoys the power that comes with her elevated position within the family. Basically, as far as she's concerned, the world revolves round her, and wobetide anyone who gets in her way.

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:15

Your holiday should not be ruined! As a child she shouldn't have the power. I would simply tell her she was going on holiday and she was getting in the car NOW- with a brief explanation that 12 yrs was too young to leave.
After that end of discussion.

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:16

It is the actions of an unhappy child. She should never had had the insecurity of parents not being in charge.

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:18

She will be an unhappy child if you suggest leaving with SS or the police! They should know by 12 yrs that there is never a question of you doing that!

HeySoulSister · 09/08/2014 17:21

Which ' child' did she speak to? I bet she still had Internet access on some device in order to do that...

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 17:24

but she's so used to bribery this is probably an extortion attempt. So the OP has used rewards based behaviour management quite often. This is usually a more successful strategy than sanctions for children on the spectrum.

She likes the power of being able to wreck it for everyone else The OP posted this when she was angry and stressed. We have no idea what she really means.

She's sitting in her room smiling, and she's said to another child that's she's already ruined the holiday. If she is very stressed about going away she is very likely to want to prevent the holiday from happening.

I don't see any of those little snippets as reasons for the OP not to look into the possibility of AS. The fact that she has form for backing out of activities at the last minute, which is just about all the information we have about her, is, IMO a reason to consider that she may have a difficulty with transitions and new situations both of which are common in AS.

I'm not saying that the OP's DD has AS. I couldn't possibly know this with the tiny amount of information she has shared or indeed any amount of information about a child on an internet forum.

I am saying that, as the OP is struggling with an aspect of her DD's behaviour which seems to make little sense and isn't usual in 12 YOs, it is worth her considering whether AS is an explanation. She needs to read up on it and think about lots of aspects of her DD's behaviour and development and then decide whether to request an assessment based on that information.

It is entirely possible, even highly probable, that she doesn't have a developmental disorder and there is some other explanation for her behaviour.

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 17:25

Agree, children without boundaries, rules, and discipline, are not happy; they provide security, a knowledge of their position within the family, and the comfort of knowing their parents watch over, and take care of them.

Kids need these things; they're as important as love, sustenance, safety, and shelter. They're how they learn to be a valued member of society.

Rachie1986 · 09/08/2014 17:27

Hope you got away.

Do update us when you can xx

MarianneSolong · 09/08/2014 17:27

I think as children get older they do want to pull away from parents, and are less enthusiastic about family holidays that have been organised by their Mum and/or Dad. But normally this is explored and - at least partly - resolved in advance. So there'd be discussion of what sort of activities and expeditions the child might enjoy. If they'd much rather go to another destination, maybe the next holiday will be to a place or of a type they'd enjoy more. In some cases it's possible for a friend to go along.

So in a family where there was good communication, all the arguments would have been had - and, at least partially resolved - in advance.

Obviously one take on a last minute refusal is that it's simply bad behaviour. However without wanting to sound completely wishy-washy, there is usually some sort of explanation beyond 'badness'. Why is there such a huge power struggle in this family? Is it just about one particular family member being 'difficult' or are there other issues that need to be explored?

It seems unlikely that even if the young person has now been taken away, that everything is then magically going to end happily ever after.

fuzzpig · 09/08/2014 17:27

This thread scares me, do you think I can persuade my DD to just stay 7 instead of turning into a teenager?!

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 17:27

Agree, children without boundaries, rules, and discipline, are not happy

I agree with this 100% but there is no evidence that this describes the OP's child.

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 17:28

As OP hasn't been back, I think we can assume that madam did get in the car and go.

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 17:29

Both of mine have form for backing out of activities, starting clubs and sports then backing out. Neither of them have stuck with a single after school activity, not one, and believe me they have tried them all.

But they are both NT, perfectly happy, and would never, ever behave as OP's child has. It's insulting to AS children to attribute every bit of bad behaviour to a possible internet 'diagnosis' of AS.

She's not AS, she's a manipulative little wretch, who needs squishing.

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 17:30

I was simply agreeing with you, Gold, not alluding to the OP's child. :)

Goldmandra · 09/08/2014 17:32

I was simply agreeing with you, Gold, not alluding to the OP's child.

Sorry. Other people most certainly are.

It's insulting to AS children to attribute every bit of bad behaviour to a possible internet 'diagnosis' of AS.

Who has diagnosed her?

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:34

I hope that if they didn't go then DD will not be going out with friends at that time, will have no money and no Internet access! DD needs to be thoroughly bored. I wouldn't have let it happen as my 'death' stare should have been enough! However- if she had- then there would be daily chores to do and the rest of the time she could amuse herself at home- tantrums and calls of 'I'm bored' would fall on deaf ears! I would tell her it was simply not my problem- I wasn't bored.
If she stopped them going then she takes the natural consequences.

tiggytape · 09/08/2014 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cingolimama · 09/08/2014 17:35

Squishing? That made me laugh Strat, thanks.

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:35

There is utterly no mention by OP of AS!

Delphiniumsblue · 09/08/2014 17:38

I can't see when you have paid for the holiday, and are on the point of setting off, that it can be negotiable! She goes- no more to be said.

Stratter5 · 09/08/2014 17:43

Well, not literally squishing, obvs :)

12 year olds are also capable of being power crazed little dictators given half the chance. Just for the joy of creating a drama and making everything all about them. Some people like everything to be about them even if they get perfectly adequate amounts of love and attention in everyday life.

This. Oh God, so much this. Think of all the school Queen Bees at that age. I found 8-12/13 so much harder than teens; all those fucking hormones whizzing about, creating mayhem, and they don't have the emotional maturity to deal with the feelings they create. Give me a surly teenager over a just got my hormones preteen any day.

cingolimama · 09/08/2014 17:45

Absolutely Tiggy. It is rubbish to assume that "there's a problem in the family. She doesn't feel part of it, feels ignored... etc".

Some kids just really enjoy being in their own little opera. They are bad kids necessarily, or I prefer not to think like that, but they have learned that their manipulative shit behaviour will be not only tolerated, but tacitly encouraged.