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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this girl's behaviour was odd and slightly rude?

174 replies

queenforaday · 08/08/2014 16:12

Earlier today I was out shopping with my DS (13) who has special needs. Because of this special needs he is quite immature and younger than his years.

Around lunchtime we called into Starbucks for a drink and a bite to eat. We got served quickly as it was actually oddly quiet (was expecting it to be busy) but there was only another three tables occupied. We'd been sitting for a couple of minutes when a teenage girl came in, about 17 or 18 I'd say, with an older man (who I presume was her dad). The dad ordered his drinks at the till whilst the girl found a seat and sat down. She wasn't sitting that far from us - only about two tables along iyswim but we were sitting quite a distance from the till and counter.

My DS was obviously distracted by this because before I had a chance to stop him he got up and walked over to the girl and started talking to her - nothing sinister, just saying "hi" and "hello" however the girl simply glanced up, didn't say anything then looked back down again. My DS started talking to her again but by this point I was over there myself and was gently guiding him back over to our table. As I was guiding him over I apologised to the girl however she didn't acknowledge this or say anything and instead got up and went to sit upstairs instead Shock. I don't think her dad realised what had happened because he followed her over to her seat upstairs about a minute later.

I've been thinking about it since I got home and I think it was weird. My DS was upset by it too as he asked later why she wouldn't talk to him. I mean I get that not everyone wants to get along with my son which is fine but I've always found that most people have been happy to at least say "hi" back to him. Which he is usually happy with and leaves them alone after that.

Sad
OP posts:
hmc · 08/08/2014 21:54

Yes Grocklebox - a 13 year old boy, with his mum, at Starbucks....risky!!! Hmm

Maryz · 08/08/2014 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grocklebox · 08/08/2014 21:57

Didn't say it was. That isnt the fucking point though, is it? Hmm Hmm

noblegiraffe · 08/08/2014 21:57

Most women know that a smile or an acknowledgment of some unknown bloke who comes up to you can be seen as a come-on and then you end up with some tosser boring your ear off who you can't get rid of.

Not everyone who comes up to you uninvited with a 'hello' is simply someone with SN who struggles with social boundaries. Most of them aren't. Safer to ignore.

Maryz · 08/08/2014 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zazA09Jane · 08/08/2014 21:58

oh my god a 17-18 year old 'wouldnt have social skills' dont be so daft! yanbu OP dont listen to all these negative comments she should have least acknowledged your apology

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/08/2014 22:04

Toffee if your dd's grow up aged 17 and respond politely to every stranger male who says hi or hello, there's a lot of room for problems. That's why dodgy people say hi or hello as well as nice ones, as they know that convention dictates that you respond. It is then extremely hard to remove yourself if the conversation goes wrong or you find yourself out of your depth. Politeness is the enemy of safety for young women in particular.

Now of course it would be nice if your children are sophisticated enough to see when this is done out of niceness than something dodgy, but I have to be honest, more creepy men have approached me saying 'hello' or 'hi there' on their way to harassing me over the years than men with SN just being over-enthusiastic.

partialderivative · 08/08/2014 22:05

I would encourage my DD's to the exact same, do not engage.

hmc · 08/08/2014 22:06

What is the "fucking" point then?

(Suspect it is not a good one)

Yes It is a very poor life lesson if young women are taught to acknowledge all men / boys who might approach them, but also a poor life lesson if they are advised to indiscriminately blank them. Bit of a sledge hammer to crack a nut. Better to guide them to trust their instincts and to make an assessment of context etc

gobbynorthernbird · 08/08/2014 22:08

Without meaning to be harsh to the OP, the girl didn't or shouldn't have to acknowledge her apology. She shouldn't have been approached and bothered by a total stranger in the first place.

partialderivative · 08/08/2014 22:10

Trust instincts at what age?

(Personally, I hate the notion of instincts)

musicalendorphins2 · 08/08/2014 22:12

YABU. The girl probably felt very anxious and intimidated. Also, regardless of special needs, or age, or sex, people do not want to be bothered by people coming up to them in a restaurant to say hi. I think that is very rude, and would never allow my kids or any under my care to do so.

thereturnofshoesy · 08/08/2014 22:12

my ds knows all about sn
but tbh if a young lad came up and started annoying him, I doubt he would speak to them,,,,why should he

gobbynorthernbird · 08/08/2014 22:13

hmc maybe the girls instinct told her that she shouldn't engage. Not that it's right, but a lot of people are wary of those who are not NT.

Or it could have been that the man she was with was a possessive boyfriend, and she knew he'd start a row if he came back to find her chatting to another bloke. Whatever. She was under no obligation to engage with the OPs son.

grocklebox · 08/08/2014 22:13

nobody said to indiscriminately blank them. Hmm Nobody said anything of the sort.

A young woman (could be anywhere from 12-20) was approached by a young man also of indeterminate age.
SHE decided not to talk to him and move away. Presumably she was using the instincts you mention? Assessing context? And lots of people here are saying she was weird, rude, odd, unfair.....

He was obviously (to us) no threat to her. But that is her decision to make. The majority here say she should have talked to him no matter what she thought or wanted.
If you can't see the problem with that, I fucking despair.

musicalendorphins2 · 08/08/2014 22:14

That said, I think you did do all the right things in getting him back to your table in a pleasant manner, and apologizing. But she wasn't BU to scamper away to a different table.

Canyouforgiveher · 08/08/2014 22:16

Why do women/girls always have to accommodate others or be seen as rude and odd? No a 13 year old with his mother isn't exactly a big risk but it continues on in other ways - the woman who is berated for not getting into a lift with a man (on MN just recently), women who are told they are rude by boyfriends because they won't just go along with what ever the boyfriend wants. A lot of women get into a lot of trouble because men prey on their fear of not being nice and pleasant and accommodating.

Of course I'd love my dd age 17 to have the confidence to be nice to a kid of 13 while still entertaining no shit from anyone. But if I had to choose one side, I'd rather she protected herself than was nice to strangers.

Any what if the girl in question has special needs too? Why didn't that occur to the OP?

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 22:18

I don't usually comment on spelling, but really, if you are going to use a word over and over and fucking over, at least learn to spell it

Oh your one of those are you Marsz.

I used Pedo as a short hand because I don't know how to spell it.
And further more I have no intention of learning how to spell it or any other words.

Maryz · 08/08/2014 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 08/08/2014 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hmc · 08/08/2014 22:19

Would recommend reading this book before dismissing instincts in risk assessing personal interactions ....but we digress

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/08/2014 22:20

hmc I advise my girls to listen to their own instincts and move if they feel uncomfortable. This girl may have felt uncomfortable.

Of course ideally she would have understood the context and acknowledged it, but it's a split second thing. If you are a little stressed, I'd rather my girls appeared a tiny bit rude (she didn't say anything or sigh just got up and moved to a different part of the coffee shop) if in doubt.

Strangers men and boys don't often approach girls sitting on their own in public saying 'hi' without wanting something. What are all these scenarios in which this is ok? The main people that I don't know that approach me with these type of interactions are- chuggers ('hi, how are you today'...followed by 'do you not want to help starving children then?'), beggars('hi'...followed by 'I really need 50p to get into a hostel tonight, I'm short, can you give me some money') and men hitting on you ('hi'...'are you from around here, can I join you'?)

They start with 'hi' and often go to women as they know they are more likely to respond through politeness and stop and listen. Once you are engaged, and find out what they want is money which was the last baby-faced young guy who stopped me and said 'hi', it's too late, now the onus is on you to get out of the interaction which is much harder than stopping it before it starts.

hmc · 08/08/2014 22:23

Grocklebox - have decided not to discuss this with you further and to blank you because my instincts tell me you are irrationally angry (and it isn't worth my time)

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 22:25

Only to really unpleasant people

Why are you on this thread Marzs, you don't believe its real, you have sworn at the op, your getting nasty....there are so many threads, why not choose another one to comment on?

Perhaps there will be better taught posters who didn't sit in a class room with a disgraceful teacher, teaching them nothing for years and years missing out on the basics in spelling and grammer.

TattyDevine · 08/08/2014 22:25

I don't think this girl was unreasonable given her age, he just got the wrong girl!

If he'd had me, I'd have bended his ear, then my kids would have, and then he'd be begging you to get him the hell away from the extrovert social butterfly types.

Got the wrong café and the wrong people.

Jehovas run crying from my house never to return.

All are welcome?!