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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this girl's behaviour was odd and slightly rude?

174 replies

queenforaday · 08/08/2014 16:12

Earlier today I was out shopping with my DS (13) who has special needs. Because of this special needs he is quite immature and younger than his years.

Around lunchtime we called into Starbucks for a drink and a bite to eat. We got served quickly as it was actually oddly quiet (was expecting it to be busy) but there was only another three tables occupied. We'd been sitting for a couple of minutes when a teenage girl came in, about 17 or 18 I'd say, with an older man (who I presume was her dad). The dad ordered his drinks at the till whilst the girl found a seat and sat down. She wasn't sitting that far from us - only about two tables along iyswim but we were sitting quite a distance from the till and counter.

My DS was obviously distracted by this because before I had a chance to stop him he got up and walked over to the girl and started talking to her - nothing sinister, just saying "hi" and "hello" however the girl simply glanced up, didn't say anything then looked back down again. My DS started talking to her again but by this point I was over there myself and was gently guiding him back over to our table. As I was guiding him over I apologised to the girl however she didn't acknowledge this or say anything and instead got up and went to sit upstairs instead Shock. I don't think her dad realised what had happened because he followed her over to her seat upstairs about a minute later.

I've been thinking about it since I got home and I think it was weird. My DS was upset by it too as he asked later why she wouldn't talk to him. I mean I get that not everyone wants to get along with my son which is fine but I've always found that most people have been happy to at least say "hi" back to him. Which he is usually happy with and leaves them alone after that.

Sad
OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 08/08/2014 18:40

Actually I remember being 14, at a girls' school and a boy talking to me at a joint schools event (I was the only one from my school) - and I went bright red and muttered something. I probably looked very stuck up - was just very shy. Mind you by 17/18 I'd expect someone to be able to cope with a boy talking to them (but perhaps she was younger, ds2 has lots of 12/13/14 year old friends who are girls and they all look way older to me).

mumminio · 08/08/2014 18:41

Why would you apologise to the girl for your son saying hello? Embarrassing mummy alert! He was just being friendly. I would explain to your son that we can't guess what's going on in her head, but he did nothing wrong.

CoffeeTea103 · 08/08/2014 18:43

Mumminio maybe because her DS repeatedly tried to say hello, which could have come across as bothering her.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 08/08/2014 18:43

I guess she was feeling uncomfortable and it came out like that. It was rude though.

gobbynorthernbird · 08/08/2014 18:45

but maybe do some work with your son on not approaching people (because he's the vulnerable one)

That's a really good point, Saintly. There's a lot of aggressive people around who would take the OPs DS friendliness in a completely wrong way and may physically confront him.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/08/2014 18:51

OxfordBags I agree with you. I have told my girls, who are starting to go out by themselves on occasion, that if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable or intimidated or just not right, to get up and physically move away from them. So, if you are in a train and someone who is quite disturbed gets on at your stop and is harassing other passengers, you don't wait for them to start harassing you, you just get off, move and go somewhere you feel ok. You go to sit by the bus driver or guard, or elsewhere. Never be too afraid to move or get yourself out of a situation just out of politeness.

I have told them this though because I have been harassed so many times especially as a young girl, teen and then in my twenties and thirties- by guys saying 'hi' and then something much ruder, or sitting next to me invading my space and so on. I have been flashed at, groped on public transport, people said 'I wanna * u' to my face, grabbed at, had something thrown at me, insulted, cat called too many times to mention (obviously if out jogging it's an invitation for van drivers to comment) - and this is just normal everyday harassment of being a young woman out and about in my twenties.

Now, of course, the judgement of who makes you feel uncomfortable is a delicate one, I think in our family we are pretty tolerant and often chat to people who are behaving unusually but not threateningly- but it is their call and I'd rather they appeared a little rude than sat through something that made them uncomfortable.

macdoodle · 08/08/2014 18:51

My DD1 is 12 but looks about 16/17, she is confident with her own friends, but if a lad she didnt know came up and started saying hello randomly she would be very embaressed and ignore him. Think you are BU and a bit mean.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/08/2014 18:55

I would also say that I was brought up with lots of children with SN and so, if I was sitting there, I would stop and chat as I tend to do with children/anyone who looks friendly/would recognize that behaviour and see it as non-threatening. But I wouldn't blame my 13 year old dd if she thought a young guy coming up and saying hi didn't seem quite right and just moved away from them.

I do also agree with whoever said that your son is the vulnerable one here, if he goes up to some drunk or drugged lads and says 'hi' he may really leave himself so vulnerable to attack. That's so sad:(

JapaneseMargaret · 08/08/2014 18:58

YANBU to be upset at her reaction.

But at 17, I can categorically say, I would have found that unexpected encounter intimidating and unwelcome.

You know your son. She doesn't know him from Adam.

Sorry that this is a situation you obviously have to manage from time-to-time. It must be hard for both of you. But, genuinely, this girl did nothing wrong.

hmc · 08/08/2014 19:07

I think some of the responses you have received are a little harsh. It's natural to feel protective of your son's feelings and hurt by her reaction. I'm firmly on the fence re whether she was rude or not...I am more inclined toward the rude because she should have acknowledged your apology and moving tables when you had led him away is rather OTT and snubby....but then again maybe she had reasons for her reaction

cadidog · 08/08/2014 19:11

I was so shy at that age and Starbucks would have been a huge treat for me. I understand you feel protective of your son but she was just someone else's kid too, probably a bit shy and awkward.

Amethyst24 · 08/08/2014 19:12

I'm sorry your son's feelings were hurt. But I can't help feeling that all the speculation about whether she might have had SNs or anxiety or been shy or about to cry or whatever irrelevant - and to an extent the OP's son's SNs are irrelevant too. No one has to talk to anyone if they don't want to. He was in her space, so she ignored, then moved. There's nothing at all wrong with that.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/08/2014 19:13

I hope my reply wasn't too harsh, I was trying to put the perspective of being the girl sitting there whose mum has always told her to move away if someone is bothering her. I can completely see why the OP feels a bit upset though, it isn't very nice to be moved away from and you know your son had only good intentions.

I also wonder if there's an issue now the son is getting a bit older- you know he's very young for his age, a bit immature, but others will just see the outside, which is a young teen approaching a girl in a cafe saying 'hi' and 'hello' and trying to strike up a conversation. Unfortunately I suspect that what is cute and tolerated in a younger child will be less the case as he gets older.

gamerchick · 08/08/2014 19:15

It may not have been personal.. she may simply have been wrapped up in her own life or troubles and the outside world may barely register.

Maryz · 08/08/2014 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonBus · 08/08/2014 19:23

YABU. I don't think the girls behaviour was odd, probably quite normal for a teenager who hasn't yet learned how do deal with this situation, and certainly not rude.

No one has to smile and say hi to strangers who come over to their table and strike up conversation. She wouldn't have known your DS had SN, and if she did realise she just wasn't mature enough to know how to deal with it. I'm in my 40'sand would have understood how to interact with your son, but at 17 I would have felt unsure and uneasy. TBH, I probably would have said hi, smiled and moved upstairs at that age. My DC who are much younger would have said hello back, but would have giggled.

I think she was quite sensible to have moved, if she wanted some peace and quiet, tbh.

justmyview · 08/08/2014 19:24

I think some replies are a little harsh. Understandable that OP is protective of her son and would like strangers to be polite and not hurt his feelings. But I have to say that aged 17, I would have felt uncomfortable being approached by anyone, so I probably wouldn't have handled the situation very well either

Original poster
queenforaday · 08/08/2014 19:26

Wow Maryz where did that come from? FWIW I'm not new, not that it matters. Did I do something wrong?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 08/08/2014 19:26

OP if you are still reading I would heed what people are saying about teaching your son about approaching women particularly. There is another AIBU thread right now about an autistic man who's being accused of being a pervert because he is overly friendly with neighbours.

I think that is very sad and wrong but many people do think that way and for his own protection, he should know that walking up to a strange woman and forcing interaction will give some people the wrong idea.

Can you explain it like this: "some men are nasty to girls and women. They start by saying hi but then they are rude. So some women may be scared you will be rude to them. It's okay to say hi once, but after that, move away and stop talking." Would that help?

Maryz · 08/08/2014 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecageisfull · 08/08/2014 19:29

My dd1 is a lot younger than 17 and already gets a lot of unwanted attention from teenage boys. For you and your ds it was one incident, for her her was probably the latest in a long line.

Georgethesecond · 08/08/2014 19:30

The thing is, if someone who clearly has a limited understanding of social boundaries comes to start talking to you, often the best thing to do to get out of the situation is to ignore them.

You see your son as a child. If he is thirteen and tall, he looks like a teenager. Time to start teaching him different rules. He can't keep going up to strangers and starting talking to them like he could when he was young and cute.

Original poster
queenforaday · 08/08/2014 19:32

Maryz I can understand why you're sceptical, but I can assure you I'm not new, I have been on MN for years.

I must of missed the park bench thread because I don't remember it.

I wouldn't say this thread is a bunfight and I certainly wouldn't say anyone had been nasty. In fact pretty much everyone has been nice. Not a hint of a bunfight.

OP posts:
Maryz · 08/08/2014 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 19:43

I think she was rude not to have responded to your apology, for example "that's ok, don't worry type of thing".