To think this girl's behaviour was odd and slightly rude?

[queenforaday]

Earlier today I was out shopping with my DS (13) who has special needs. Because of this special needs he is quite immature and younger than his years.

Around lunchtime we called into Starbucks for a drink and a bite to eat. We got served quickly as it was actually oddly quiet (was expecting it to be busy) but there was only another three tables occupied. We'd been sitting for a couple of minutes when a teenage girl came in, about 17 or 18 I'd say, with an older man (who I presume was her dad). The dad ordered his drinks at the till whilst the girl found a seat and sat down. She wasn't sitting that far from us - only about two tables along iyswim but we were sitting quite a distance from the till and counter.

My DS was obviously distracted by this because before I had a chance to stop him he got up and walked over to the girl and started talking to her - nothing sinister, just saying "hi" and "hello" however the girl simply glanced up, didn't say anything then looked back down again. My DS started talking to her again but by this point I was over there myself and was gently guiding him back over to our table. As I was guiding him over I apologised to the girl however she didn't acknowledge this or say anything and instead got up and went to sit upstairs instead . I don't think her dad realised what had happened because he followed her over to her seat upstairs about a minute later.

I've been thinking about it since I got home and I think it was weird. My DS was upset by it too as he asked later why she wouldn't talk to him. I mean I get that not everyone wants to get along with my son which is fine but I've always found that most people have been happy to at least say "hi" back to him. Which he is usually happy with and leaves them alone after that.

It is GOOD that a young woman decided that she had the right not to talk to an over-friendly young man just because he wanted to talk to her. Women are taught to lower their boundaries, ignore their own needs, feelings and rights, and override their gut feelings about men, by being expected to be nice to others at all times, and it is wrong.

No-one is behoven to speak to a stranger, however friendly, innocent snd well-intentioned that stranger may be. I think, OP, you are letting your worries about his SN getting him rejected by some, make what really happened feel worse than it was. I bet she didn't think anything except 'meh, some guy trying to chat me up. Uncool'. Or however the younguns speak nowadays

I don't think she was rude, to her it probably seems like she was being harassed by this teenager boy and just moved.
I would do this now in my 30s if I felt someone was annoying me.

Starbucks was quiet because it is a supporter of Israel's policy of genocide against the Palestinians and there is a boycott on

Problem is, you can't tell a SN from a NT person. You can't tell a person with good intentions from one with bad intentions. On the outside they all look the same.

I can't tell SN people from NT people at a glance, and I'm not going to waste time pondering that if I feel uncomfortable. Not everyone that ignores social boundaries has SN, in fact most are NT assholes. Men ignore boundaries all the time when it comes to chatting with women or demanding their time, compound that with the fact SN people aren't all angels. Not all men mind you, but enough men to make it a problem.

So, no she wasn't being rude, and neither was your DS. But, not everyone responds positively to everyone they come across. Just tell him that sometimes people don't respond well to other people and that's not his fault.

OxfordBags, yes, yes.

I spent years and years, almost all my life, not wanting to offend, not wanting to tell the intrusive/intimidating person to go away or to ignore them because I was raised to believe it was "rude" and that my feelings and therefore sometimes my safety, were secondary to social expectation.

(Thank you for that, Mother!).

It's only now, now that I'm older and less likely to meet with unwanted attention of any kind, that I realise how damaging that outlook is.

I don't think her age matters, sometimes I want to have a coffee and not be spoken to by people I don't know special needs or not. That's my right if I'm in public. Although I would say hi back to be honest if I realised he was special needs/harmless, however I can see why she wouldn't incase it initiated a conversation which she has a right to not want. I don't think she was rude at all.

Why are people always ascribing political beliefs to Starbucks?

Mexican I had no idea!!!

How do you know she didn't have special needs herself? Or maybe she's really shy and didn't know how to react. You expect people to be understanding of your son's issues so you should be understanding of others.

If somebody walked up and started speaking to my 15 year old DS, he wouldn't reply either. He is Autistic. Not everything is black and white...

Do you remember being a young teenage girl? I do
Male attention all the time. I found it easier to ignore and move with deadpan face than chat or confront as I was quite shy.

Why are people always ascribing political beliefs to Starbucks?

Maybe because we read and are informed?

I think she is young and didn't know how to respond.

I think you should let it go . She wasn't horrible and there are loads of valid reasons why she would not want to engage.

Could you please link your sources then if you're going to make such claims?

The only vague link that could be found is a previous interest in buying a share of SodaStream, which they ultimately did not do, launching their own soda line instead.

She didn't want a 13 yo boy hitting on her.

I think it wouldn't have hurt her to say hi. It wouldn't have cost her anything would it?! I've got a teenager and she would have said hi in those circumstances, so not typical teenage behaviour IMO. A rude teenager behaviour maybe!

Maybe the girl had ASD or similar? It doesn't only affect younger children and is less 'visible' in some cases. My cousin has it and she behaves exactly as you describe in situations like this. She processes it as 'I don't recognise you, so why should you talk to me.' She's only just learned to give a food order to a waitress/waiter it has taken 2 years to teach her this. You are very unreasonable to judge, given your child's difficuties.

Ocelot, unless the boy has visible SN, there is no reason whatsoever for the girl to speak to him. 99.9% of the time, an unknown male initiating a conversation with a teenage girl sat on their own will have less than innocent reasons.

Och, sorry that happened to your son. I have a 13 year old daughter who isn't the most confident, and I'm wondering what she would have done. I'm pretty certain she'd have said hello, but only if it was fairly obvious that the boy had SEN. If she thought it any other teenage boy, she'd have clammed up as she'd have assumed he was taking the piss out of her. The girl probably didn't know how to read the situation and was a bit embarrassed.

She sounds like a rather typical teenager - undeveloped social interaction skills and probably shy. I was incredibly shy about communicating with strangers in public as a teenager, that probably would have included friendly children. Actually, particularly children. I was the youngest of a large family so I was never around younger children at all growing up, I really didn't know how to act around them. I only lost some of my "stiffness" around kids when my friends started having children.

OTH, she may just have been graceless and moody. Clearly her issue, your son sounds like he has better social skills!

I agree with JackieO,Oxford and Hooby. Dd and I are very polite and sociable but more recently, since she started to have a bit more independence I have been talking to her a lot about not feeling you HAVE to chat to a stranger just to be polite if you are feeling uncomfortable.

An example, we were returning from her music lesson last week, I was browsing in a shop window and a drunken busker approached her. He started questioning her about her violin but in quite an unpleasant, leery way, I approached them immediately and took her away. She told me she had felt really embarrassed and uncomfortable but didn't want to seem rude.

OP I used to look much younger than I am and although I am not particularly pretty, got loads of unwanted male attention. Especially because I like my own company and would go for a coffee on my own with a book, and the like. Men of all ages interpret woman alone in coffee shop or pub as an excuse to harass.

I hate being rude to people and spent years avoiding eye contact, hinting etc when I wasn't interested. Finally when I was about 27-8 a man came up to me and monopolised me during a 20 min lunch break, my only quiet time all day. It really ruined my day and I got so cross I vowed the next time I'd be way more direct. I normally am now.

This week a man with SN approached me at a bus stop and made rather annoying conversation with me for about 10 min. I went along with it as although he was being inappropriate he wasn't a threat. However I was quite ready to tell him to go away if he'd stepped over a line. All women should have this confidence and no woman has to accept unwanted male attention.

Honestly, for his own sake, you need to realise your DS is a young man and women will not necessarily want to be approached. Teach him about this before someone accuses him of following her or hassling her.

Are his SN obvious? I find teenagers absolutely vile with ds1 (pointing, gawping, commenting and copying his noises). Although tbh usually they're like that when in a group.

I wouldn't worry about it though, but maybe do some work with your son on not approaching people (because he's the vulnerable one). Hard though isn't it - teaching the nuances of when it's okay to say hello and when it's not the done thing.

yabu my teenage dd would act just the same , not odd or rude at all .