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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this girl's behaviour was odd and slightly rude?

174 replies

queenforaday · 08/08/2014 16:12

Earlier today I was out shopping with my DS (13) who has special needs. Because of this special needs he is quite immature and younger than his years.

Around lunchtime we called into Starbucks for a drink and a bite to eat. We got served quickly as it was actually oddly quiet (was expecting it to be busy) but there was only another three tables occupied. We'd been sitting for a couple of minutes when a teenage girl came in, about 17 or 18 I'd say, with an older man (who I presume was her dad). The dad ordered his drinks at the till whilst the girl found a seat and sat down. She wasn't sitting that far from us - only about two tables along iyswim but we were sitting quite a distance from the till and counter.

My DS was obviously distracted by this because before I had a chance to stop him he got up and walked over to the girl and started talking to her - nothing sinister, just saying "hi" and "hello" however the girl simply glanced up, didn't say anything then looked back down again. My DS started talking to her again but by this point I was over there myself and was gently guiding him back over to our table. As I was guiding him over I apologised to the girl however she didn't acknowledge this or say anything and instead got up and went to sit upstairs instead Shock. I don't think her dad realised what had happened because he followed her over to her seat upstairs about a minute later.

I've been thinking about it since I got home and I think it was weird. My DS was upset by it too as he asked later why she wouldn't talk to him. I mean I get that not everyone wants to get along with my son which is fine but I've always found that most people have been happy to at least say "hi" back to him. Which he is usually happy with and leaves them alone after that.

Sad
OP posts:
Joyousthings · 08/08/2014 19:52

Why do you think that it was easy for this girl? She looked 'normal' hasn't had any experiences that make her unable to communicate in a way that others including you find acceptable? Can hear/understand clearly? All is not always as it seems. I have perfect hearing but in some places i really do not find it easy to hear even my own family. My own DS would probably react as the girl did as he can sometimes strangers difficult.

BolshierAyraStark · 08/08/2014 20:19

If she was indeed 17 or 18 then she is old enough to have the social skills required to acknowledge your apology. As she didn't then perhaps she did have SN.

JapaneseMargaret · 08/08/2014 20:22

So OP, what do you think? Can you see what people are saying?

FavaBeanPyramidScheme · 08/08/2014 20:23

YABU

JennyOnTheBlocks · 08/08/2014 20:23

Not a hint of a bunfight

isn't that so lovely Thanks

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 20:27

OP if you are still reading I would heed what people are saying about teaching your son about approaching women particularly. There is another AIBU thread right now about an autistic man who's being accused of being a pervert because he is overly friendly with neighbours

OP there is indeed another thread where a lady after 12 years of being friendly to her neighbour has had enough after he built steps to deliberatively peer into her garden to watch her every move and no she isnt happy with him chatting to her 5 year old DD, the resounding vote on that is that she is un reasonable.

however here is a young man briefly saying hi to a girl in a restaurant and yes the girls is ok to ignore him and mum!

hmc · 08/08/2014 20:32

Confusing isn't it SweetSummerSweetPea!

comediewithme · 08/08/2014 20:37

In my starbucks, the scenario you have outlined is usually directly followed by the theft of something while the person is distracted by talking. Often children younger than your son come over and ask you to sign their sponsorship form or for directions.

So I would have moved too probably. I go to starbucks so that I dont have to make conversation with children!

JapaneseMargaret · 08/08/2014 20:38

I imagine it's different people posting on each thread?

I haven't see the other one, and from that brief snapshot, I'd definitely say the woman wasn't being unreasonable.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 20:39

oh yes Jap its disgusting apparently she isnt having this man round for coffee all the time, and she should be happy he watches for her back door opening to fly out into the garden to chat to her. ALL THE TIME for 12 years.

Nalia · 08/08/2014 20:44

I'd have moved away, too. I'd probably have said 'hi' back first, but I would have got up and moved to a different table, because I would not have been in the coffee shop to engage with other peoples' children, and would not be rude to walk away IMO.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 08/08/2014 20:54

Yes, the 'SN PO goading' threads are somewhat predictable around here, but surely if you are a regular & have a child with SN, you'd know that??

However, taking your post at 'face value', then I am sorry you were upset. It is very difficult to guide any child through their teenage years, but an even greater challenge when they have SN's :( Suddenly not only are you coping with their SN's but you have the added challenge of them not being 'a child' anymore, but teenagers/men and people expecting even more of them. It is very, very hard.

As for the girl - who knows?! Yes, she might just be rude (especially when she didn't acknowledge your apology) - or she might have a raft of personal reasons for her behaviour. Someone on here once said that her Dad used to say to her 'Never blame on malice, what you can blame on stupidity' - it does make me stop and think... not always 'stupidity' either, but other reasons for peoples behaviour which might not always be obvious. I know when I was grieving badly I probably came across as 'rude', but to be honest, I was barely holding it together and some social niceties were just beyond my ability at that time. I also know (mostly through here) more people with cripling anxiety now and understand how badly they can come across when actually they are just struggling to cope.

Something worth thinking about next time (and there will be one) is 'Life isn't all about ME'

Maryz · 08/08/2014 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 21:06

my facts are straight Maryz and I am not being sneery that's your interpretation.

its just very very odd.

if you had seen the other one you would find it odd too. anyone one would, which ever side they came down on.

Maryz · 08/08/2014 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleen · 08/08/2014 21:08

Sounds like something my little sister (17) would do, she'd just be too baffled to say anything, and just leave the situation. Whilst perhaps odd behaviour, don't let it stay on your mind, it's not a big deal!

noblegiraffe · 08/08/2014 21:15

The girl's behaviour was not rude or inappropriate in the slightest.

I agree that you need to try to work with your DS on his behaviour. He is a teenager now, and what might have been ok with a child isn't going to pass any more. Random teenage boys approaching people for conversation can be misinterpreted as a come-on, or intimidating or even scary for girls or the elderly. Children can get away with it to an extent, but your DS is becoming a young man.

RevoltingPeasant · 08/08/2014 21:19

Summer I won't take sides on Neighbourgate here but I think the difference is, that man is a well known neighbour whom the op said was not a threat.

To Starbucksgirl, the op's son is (potentially) yet another random young man who will next ask to sit with her, what book she's reading, where she lives etc etc, all the random harassment women are expected to put up with, when she just wants to have a quiet coffee with her dad.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 21:24

And having read the other thread, your repeated use of the word "pedo" whatever you mean by that is the most peculiar thing on there

Peodophile Marz is what Pedo means.

mum9876 · 08/08/2014 21:25

Some people are just shy. I've spent years trying to get my dd to reply to people in the street. She's just like a rabbit in the headlights when someone approaches her and she's not expecting it.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 21:28

Anyway OP, here....

I do think an acknowledgement would have been nice yes, even a little smile or nod. In any situation its not nice when your totally ignored! However are you even sure she spoke English? she may not have understood what your son was saying to her...

Your going to have to grow a thicker skin. But over all I think you will find many many kind lovely people out there who will be compassionate and help you over the years.

And as people said also help your son...its sad though he was only being friendly, generally its lovely to have people say hi and be friendly.

Toffeemallowegg · 08/08/2014 21:43

Bloody hell! I hope neither of my children grow up to be so socially inept, in other words, plain fucking rude! Jesus, when did it become socially acceptable to ignore some one when they say hello? For you lot who think this is normal behaviour for your 17 yr old daughters, I suggest you take a long hard look at how you've brought them up!

grocklebox · 08/08/2014 21:47

It's really fucking dangerous to teach young women that they should always talk back to unknown males, to always be polite, to engage.

seriously, think about it for a minute.

hmc · 08/08/2014 21:50

Toffeemallow - must admit I would also be disappointed if my dc responded like this at 17. I am pretty sure that my 12 year old dd would have handled it better

ChelsyHandy · 08/08/2014 21:53

I suspect she was probably embarrassed or in some kind of strop or personal crisis. I don't think she was especially rude - she simply ignored a child probably young enough not to be affected by it and retreated. Its not as if she confronted or said anything back. Is this really the first time anything like this has happened to you?

I must admit I have a tendency to act in the same way, not with children, but with men I don't know who make some excuse to speak. In this case, I'm deliberately rude to make them leave me alone. I also have a friend who suffers from anti-social personality disorder who would behave exactly like this. Not everyone wants to be friendly, but I don't think that's necessarily rude.

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