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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be grateful for visiting family bringing food?

121 replies

upyourninja · 04/08/2014 18:59

My parents and grandparents have come to visit for two days. I didn't ask them to bring any food unless they needed something particularly special (GP has diabetes, DDad has been low-carbing, other GP very carnivorous).

They have brought with them:

5 chicken breasts
4 steaks
2 quiches
3kg of potato
4 bags of salad
Potato salad
Coleslaw
1kg of cornflakes
Granola
Pastries
6 packets of biscuits
2 jars of coffee
2 cakes
6 buns
2 loaves of bread
Tortilla wraps
fruit (peaches, pears, strawberries, oranges)
2 bags of chocolate
Cheese
2 pots yoghurt
6 pts milk
4 cans of beans
2 packets of stir fry
Loads of other bits and pieces

I had already catered. They are here for 3 evening meals.

AIBU to think that this is not actually helpful but is really quite rude? When they arrived I had to spend an hour rearranging the fridge and cupboard and my kitchen is covered in crap.

I hate food waste and do have some food issues. I have thus far been quiet and cooked their food. But I'm not wrong to be hacked off, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:04

Trills. If there is such a word, I need to know it. It would make DH very happy to receive it as he finds almost any interaction with my parents exactly like that Smile

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 04/08/2014 20:04

YANBU, MIL often turns up to stay with a bag of random things that are expected to be incorporated into meals. It would be great IF I knew in advance but I never do. Meanwhile I've bought lovely steaks (or whatever) for us to have that evening, and she says 'no don't cook those, we'll just make some courgette soup / chicken stew / whatever from what I've brought'. All very well but it's my house, I've planned the meals and time to cook them accordingly and the steaks are going to go off if we don't eat them!

Its not about pickiness as they eat everything. It comes from a well-intentioned place, but it is actually really annoying and causes more stress than anything. I'd never dream of rocking up at her house with bags of stuff and dictating what we eat, she'd hate it!

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:06

Two and two - helpful suggestions and I will look into it. I'm doubtful as this is an affluent village and not really near to big towns, so while people may struggle there is not necessarily infrastructure to help them. And if I have to make a special trip to a city it will make me feel even more inconvenienced (even if IABU to feel like that).

OP posts:
meltedmonterayjack · 04/08/2014 20:09

Trills, I'm sure the Germans' would have a perfect word to describe the feeling such a situation engenders. Something on the lines of:
lebensmitteluberlastungshaude?

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:10

Lily, yamabuki, riverboat, I am sort of glad you feel my pain Grin

And yy to not knowing if this means it should reciprocate when I visit. But my DM goes mad when we do and basicky buys anything I have ever vaguely expressed a liking for and several things she has made up. None constitute a meal so I'm left trying to imagine ways to combine some very strange foods.

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 04/08/2014 20:11

Meant to say - no doubt OP you'd be more grateful if they had said in advance 'we are going to pitch in by doing all the food shopping for the stay so don't buy anything, we'll turn up with meat, veg, tins,, everything'. Then you could plan ccordingly. But it's the total lack of warning, rendering your own time, money and thought put into shopping and meal planning for them totally wasted, that irks.

scarlettsmummy2 · 04/08/2014 20:12

I would absolutely love it if my parents in law did this. I think it was really kind of them.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:12

Yamabuki, sorry, mattress?! I bow before your superior experience.

Incidentally they bring all the food but I still had to dig around the cellar for power cables and screens and keyboards so my dad could work comfortably on his laptop. Brilliant.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 20:12

God. If it's really such a trouble, package it all up and send it to someone who needs it.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:13

Riverboat - yes. It would have been fab to have a call last week to say they were taking care of all meals and not to bother. I would have been thrilled.

OP posts:
catellington · 04/08/2014 20:14

My PILs do this and I can't stand it so I am with you.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 20:16

If only we could pair up people on this thread and send all unwanted food to those people who think it is helpful.

Though I suspect they'd find it less helpful the day after the big supermarket shop is done.

(I'm still remembering more things as I write. Things I stuffed at the back of cupboards and will find again in years to come)

OP posts:
Sootgremlin · 04/08/2014 20:24

My mil does this, and it is absolutely because she hates not being the host, so she has to try and host round other people's house.

Wine and dessert lovely, 6 different kinds of fruit that you have to dispose of because you already have fruit and things only just in date a pain in the backside.

Manners are about making others feel comfortable, it is not inherently good manners to give things if your gift inconveniences someone. It is not good manners to make your host feel they have made inadequate provision for you, or to ignore a request not to bring anything.

hackmum · 04/08/2014 20:24

Interesting that everyone says it's well-intentioned. My first thought was "passive-aggressive". It's sending the message that the OP is so incompetent and/or short of cash that she can't put together a decent meal for everyone. It's treating her like she's still a little kid.

Sootgremlin · 04/08/2014 20:26

Hack mum, nail on head.

Snugglepiggy · 04/08/2014 20:29

YANBU.That's a ridiculous amount of food to store and would infuriate me if I had shopped and planned for guests and already had plenty in.Especially if not warned they are bringing so much.Was only discussing a similar issue with DH the other day in that we have friends that are very generous hosts and love to feed friends and family.But it's almost impossible to fully reciprocate because if we ever invite them round and say just bring yourselves and relax ,we'd love to cook for you they still always turn up with some dish or dessert 'just in case'.tbh we find it a bit rude.

LordEmsworth · 04/08/2014 20:43

YANBU, YANBU and thrice YANBU.

My parents do this and it really upsets me. I am capable of hosting guests, you weren't going to starve... Very rude but I know they mean well - and all my moaning won't change them... so try not to get upset (then moan at SIL for sympathy later )

CookieMonsterIsHot · 04/08/2014 20:45

How to handle it depends on why she is doing it.

My MIL and DM do this. For different reasons.

With MIL it was coming from a good place. Feeding the family has always been her thing. "Bring nothing but yourself" is impossible. DBiL pointed this out to me after I ranted about how much bloody cake, bread, fruit, pasta and more had been brought when they came for Sunday lunch.

Now I ask her to "bring pudding for all 8 of us", "soft drinks". I ALWAYS make her take any ridiculous excess home. "No MIL, it will just go to waste. You bought it you should have it.". I even chased her down the drive with a box of food once.

This works. She loathes waste (rationing generation). If she has to throw it out herself it improves her buying next time.

Gentle teasing by my DH, her DS, along the lines of "blimey mum, you and dad will be eating cake for every meal for a week!"

My DM is a different matter. We are nc now but it used to be about control, creating confusion, creating a drama, sneering at my (excellent) cooking. I just ignored her food. I said "that's not in my meal plan" and put the bags in the spare room with her. Filling my worktops was part of her fucking with me. She'd still decide to boil 3 cabbages and 1 beetroot at 2 a.m. That was designed to wind me up as plan A was no longer working. When I ignored that, she ruined my expensive pans by leaving them on the gas hob unattended until DH got up at 7. Btw she does NOT have dementia. She's just being a toxic shit, so reasonable approaches are not relevant.

Why is yours doing this - good reasons or bad?

AmITwirly · 04/08/2014 20:46

YANBU.

My DF does this too and I know he's only trying to be helpful, but I find it really aggravating. It's worse because he brings odd random bits which don't constitute a full meal (2 eggs and one slice of out-of-date ham, anyone?) A few times he has almost got it right and brought a hot roast chicken from a supermarket, but unfortunately no accompaniments to go with it. So instead of the casserole which I'd slow-cooked all day, I was obliged to rustle up some potatoes and veg to go with the chicken, all the while thinking "what the hell am I going to do with the casserole?"

He also -without fail - brings at least 12 bottles of Lucozade with him every time he comes. No idea why. He only rarely drinks Lucozade himself, I hate it, and I'm not keen on the DCs guzzling loads of it. So every time I give the leftovers back to him to take home. You'd think he'd get the message, but not so far!

I am aware that this makes me sound very unappreciative. If he asked what he could bring to help, that would be fine because I would cater accordingly. It's the unpredictability that's the issue and the fact that I have to change my plans to try to use up whatever random ingredients he's brought along.

Looserella · 04/08/2014 20:50

That would drive me mad. I can't stand having too many perishables in the house or just too much stuff for the cupboards. Every time we go away I text my MIL before we come home to say our grocery shopping is being delivered just after we get in so please don't get any milk. Last time we got back there was a four pinter of semi-skimmed and two of whole milk and her note saying "I know you said not to bother but just in case you fancied a cuppa". A cuppa? And DS is nearly 4 so we don't need blue milk. It made me feel really stressed about trying to use it all up. Ungrateful, I know but GRRRRR!

Looserella · 04/08/2014 20:51

That would drive me mad. I can't stand having too many perishables in the house or just too much stuff for the cupboards. Every time we go away I text my MIL before we come home to say our grocery shopping is being delivered just after we get in so please don't get any milk. Last time we got back there was a four pinter of semi-skimmed and two of whole milk and her note saying "I know you said not to bother but just in case you fancied a cuppa". A cuppa? And DS is nearly 4 so we don't need blue milk. It made me feel really stressed about trying to use it all up. Ungrateful, I know but GRRRRR!

MyFairyKing · 04/08/2014 20:51

Sorry but YABU. It may be misguided but it sounds like they're trying to be kind,

ClashCityRocker · 04/08/2014 20:54

YANBU, but I do think it was well intentioned.

Mum always turns up with tea bags, which sort of grates in me - they're the exact same brand as our tea bags, but she always panics that we might not have any and there might be a tea related crisis and then where would we be?

We've never not had tea bags in.

That's only a few tea bags though, I'd be a wreck if she bought all that!

It's a shame that all the food is going to go to waste though - I hope you can find something useful to do for it.

Have they stayed with you before?

onepieceoflollipop · 04/08/2014 20:57

My parents used to be a little like this, it was well intentioned in their case, but on occasion overwhelming.
We have kind of "steered" them a little, and dcs have helped with this by telling nanny their favourite stuff. So it is better now. My mum loves to give food, so I tentatively say before each visit that "if" they were planning on bringing something, perhaps x or y or z would be good (knowing she may well bring all of the suggestions!). However it works well as she feels she has treated us, and actually she has, for example she treats the dgcs to luxurious fresh fruit, yummy smoothies. Dh has a special diet (allergy) and she bakes special stuff for him.

greeneggsandjam · 04/08/2014 21:09

I would be more than happy for people to bring me a load of food!