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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be grateful for visiting family bringing food?

121 replies

upyourninja · 04/08/2014 18:59

My parents and grandparents have come to visit for two days. I didn't ask them to bring any food unless they needed something particularly special (GP has diabetes, DDad has been low-carbing, other GP very carnivorous).

They have brought with them:

5 chicken breasts
4 steaks
2 quiches
3kg of potato
4 bags of salad
Potato salad
Coleslaw
1kg of cornflakes
Granola
Pastries
6 packets of biscuits
2 jars of coffee
2 cakes
6 buns
2 loaves of bread
Tortilla wraps
fruit (peaches, pears, strawberries, oranges)
2 bags of chocolate
Cheese
2 pots yoghurt
6 pts milk
4 cans of beans
2 packets of stir fry
Loads of other bits and pieces

I had already catered. They are here for 3 evening meals.

AIBU to think that this is not actually helpful but is really quite rude? When they arrived I had to spend an hour rearranging the fridge and cupboard and my kitchen is covered in crap.

I hate food waste and do have some food issues. I have thus far been quiet and cooked their food. But I'm not wrong to be hacked off, right?

OP posts:
tshirtsuntan · 04/08/2014 19:15

Take it to a refuge or soup kitchen- they use fresh stuff as well as the dried/tinned stuff food banks will take.

theeternalstudent · 04/08/2014 19:16

I remember many years ago when I first moved into my own place I asked my mum round for dinner. I had saved my last £10 to buy something nice to eat, had meal planned and had left work early to go and buy the ingredients and start preparing before mum arrived. When I arrived at MY home my mum had already let herself in and had started to prepare dinner that she had brought with her. I was so disappointed.

I understand your disappointment OP and I also get the fear when the fridge is full. It just seems like such a waste.

However, their intention was good, they didn't want to inconvenience financially for what they would eat and I guess as well they wanted to have a little control over what they eat. In the long term it's really not a big deal, not something to lose too much sleep about. Put it down to experience and next time they come don't buy anything!

Try and enjoy your visit from your family.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:16

Thanks fireside. Exactly that - I'd already spent time, money, and energy planning to feed them. No room left.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 04/08/2014 19:17

I'm bloody starving now looking at that list!

HappyAgainOneDay · 04/08/2014 19:17

If you can't freeze everything possible, what about having a crowd of neighbours round the day after your current visitors have gone? That way, there'll be no leftovers. and the neighbours will bring wine which doesn't have to be frozen.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 04/08/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBearPad · 04/08/2014 19:18

Problem of people being 'kind' like thus is that a lit of the food will go off. If the fridge is full, as mine would be if I had guests coming, where do you put 6 pints of milk etc. The extra food creates a problem, which is the polar opposite of the intention.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:18

Thanks. Food bank visit in order when they leave I think. And I will just eat leftovers for the week.

OP posts:
MothershipG · 04/08/2014 19:19

I know what you mean OP!

I would ask my MIL over for a meal, make a bit of an effort to cook something nice and she would arrive with a pizza! Used to drive me quietly up the wall but fortunately I had a good enough relationship with her to say Oi! Is there something you don't like about my cooking? Are you trying to tell me something??? And she realised how her helpful gesture felt to me. So she started bringing fruit and nice bread instead, which was fine.

Any chance you could approach it like this with your family?

Mintyy Don't you have friends or neighbours who'd appreciate cake? Hate the thought of good cake going to waste! Grin

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:20

They did indeed do it with the best intentions, I know that. Unfortunately they have a long history of well-intentioned thoughtlessness which leaves me feeling awkward and stressed.

I'm really quite introverted so while I love seeing my family I really really wish it could be a day trip. I need my space!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:20

Eternal student I would have been gutted in that situation too!

OP posts:
PomeralLights · 04/08/2014 19:21

I would love it if my family did this! Although, my DM&DD always cost me a lot as they turn up empty handed but expect constant (and decent) alcohol on tap which is expensive! So I'd appreciate a contribution back!

I can see where you're coming from though OP and if this isn't usual in your family, which I assume it isn't from your reaction, then YANBU. Families eh? sigh

WaffleWiffle · 04/08/2014 19:21

Once a year, every summer hols, I take my children to visit my Uncle and family (so my children's great uncle and second cousins). They live on a farm and life if often busy. They generally don't 'entertain' us, we just pitch in and join in with life on the farm.

I don't like to just ask 'can we have lunch', because that seems rude. But we are usually there through lunchtime. I always pack a picnic for us, even though we are guests at their home. If lunch isn't offered to us, I will gather everyone for the picnic (I do enough for their family and ours). If we are offered lunch, we gladly accept and I don't mention the picnic - just unpack it when we get home.

It's about manners and expectations. You said you didn't ask them to bring food. Did you specifically say you were happy to invite them to all meals. Because it sounds like a mis-communication to me - much like with me and my uncle. They find it rude to ask or assume you are happy to cater, so are trying to show you good manners by not acting entitled and expecting to be fed for free.

StrumpersPlunkett · 04/08/2014 19:22

I am totally with you. TBH it even irks me when the PiL let me know that they are bringing food. but they do it everywhere.
I find it odd.. If anyone suggests they go round for dinner FiL ALWAYS tells the person that it is lovely of them to host and he will use their kitchen to cook.
The reality is that he doesn't like food that isn't cooked by him and he doesn't hide it or do polite quiet putting up with it, he just doesn't go if he has to eat others cooking.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:22

Happyagain - lovely idea, really, but I am going away on holiday in three days so no time to invite neighbours round. And I'd find it terribly stressful.

OP posts:
ilovepowerhoop · 04/08/2014 19:22

a lot of supermarkets have trolleys in them to collect food for foodbanks - could you put some of your excess in one of them?

LadyLuck81 · 04/08/2014 19:24

My MIL always does this. I don't think it's rude at all just helpful in the wrong direction. Make some room in the freezer or alter your meal plans a bit. That's what I'd do.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:24

Glad I'm not completely alone in this!!

Usually they just bring cereal (which we don't eat) and a homemade cake which is very welcome. But this time it's like they thought we didn't have shops here!! (2 food shops within walking distance)

OP posts:
SpeckleDust · 04/08/2014 19:25

YANBU!!

Anyone saying otherwise has not suffered like this.

My parents come for 2-3 days and frequently bring an amount of food shopping that would easily feed us for a fortnight as a family of 4.

The fridge/freezer thing is what really gets me. Ours is not large and is usually full from our own meat/veg/batch cooked meals and there is NO ROOM for the random shit they bring. No meal planning whatsoever on their part either, just random elements of ill-thought out ideas. And DM gets huffy when I say stuff won't fit in the fridge Hmm.

I feel your pain Flowers

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:26

Power hoop that's a good suggestion, though I don't think I'll be in a supermarket any time soon!

OP posts:
firesidechat · 04/08/2014 19:27

Me too Pomeral. I appear to be the bringer of food rather than the recipient, sadly. I hasten to add that I don't bring anything like the amount that the ops family did. I'm not that annoying nice.

Original poster
upyourninja · 04/08/2014 19:28

Yes yes yes speckle you've nailed it exactly!! Not planned, just grabbed and stuffed in a carrier bag.

Btw I have been thinking or more stuff as I've been posting - the list goes on and on! Just seems mad when one/two are on restrictive medical diets and two need to lose weight.

OP posts:
ogredownstairs · 04/08/2014 19:33

I wouldn't be happy either. I'd be less bothered about the non-perishables but can't bear food waste and don't have a huge fridge or freezer. Where did they think you'd put it all?!

magpiegin · 04/08/2014 19:34

YANBU, I have a MIL who does this as well. She does mean well but will often bring food we don't really like so it gets wasted.

EMS23 · 04/08/2014 19:36

I understand. My parents do it and my dad gets really annoyed when I have no room in the fridge or freezer.

So I tried not buying anything on one of their visits. And my dad accused me of being cheap and not wanting them there.

I hate having my kitchen counters covered in packets of stuff but my freezer and cupboards are normally full.
So I bought a coolbox to store stuff in when they came and my Dad said I was risking us all getting food poisoning.

I hate chucking food too. I don't think you're ungrateful, I think you're irritated and it's annoying and then you feel even worse because you feel bad for feeling irritated.